|Reviews for Successor|
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 2 . 3/26/2013
Hi there, Kori! Sorry for the long wait! Here is your long belated CC review!
As always, my reviewing style tends to be more of a general overview, but hopefully the points raised would still be useful somewhat.
First of all, I'll touch on the premise. It does give me the fairytale vibe with a modern twist, with the setting and instead of having the stereotypical meek girl we always see in those older Disney flicks, we get a sarcastic and rebellious MC. Actually, come to think of it, sarcasm seems to be your name and game from what I've seen from Aria in the prologue and Krys (with his interactions among his brothers) in the second chapter. While I absolutely dig sarcasm, I get that the feeling that the characterization so far is kinda blurred and not distinct. It's like almost everyone wants to take a shot at throwing jibes at one another so far. So perhaps this is one thing you might want to mull about. But generally speaking though, I enjoyed the dialogue and chemistry. It flows well, which clearly shows you have a gift for that, so a thumbs-up on that front.
Secondly, I'll touch on your writing style. Like Wong mentioned earlier in his review, it's solid and factoring in your age and how long you have actually embarked on your writing journey, I'm really impressed. At this rate, you definitely make an amazing writer one day. That said though, I'm not so sure about the utilization of different points of view using 1st POV. I always felt that you could pull the same thing off with 3rd person limited, because 1st POV has the potential trap of lapsing into the "I did this, I did that, I felt like this' syndrome, which will really bog down the pacing and lull the reader. While you avoided that trap for the most part, there are certain cases where you could alter your sentence structure a little.
Take for instance:
[I could feel as a glare settled on my back and I chuckled one last time before finally halting and turning towards my hot-tempered brother.]
- Feeling a glare settling on my back, I chuckled one last time before finally halting and turning towards my hot-tempered brother.
When you do your revisions, try to cut down as much instances of 'I' as much as possible. Be liberal with the grammar (after all, we are telling a story, not writing some research thesis) and experiment with sentence fragments. Speaking of which, your sentences tend to be a little run-on at times, so some shortening might be in order. And like what Wong said in the first review, cut down on the adverbs and adjectives, and stick to good old 'said' in your dialogue or use action descriptors. It's inherent in the dialogue that someone's tone is sarcastic or hurt or angry etc.; you don't have to "bark" or "snigger". A little variation is good sometimes of course.
But overall, it's a good start! Have fun and keep writing!
| Y. S. Wong chapter 1 . 3/6/2013
I lied. Here's your constructive criticism now! I can be sort of a demanding critic, but you said you like the stuff, here it is!
I'm not sure if you've got it planned for later on as you draw out more of the backstory, but I think it would have been helpful if you'd explained exactly how Aria (like the name, btw) insulted the prince. Fleshing that out could make your world more vivid. As of now, it seems a bit vague. But since I haven't read all of your chapters yet, I'll reserve my final judgment for later.
Thanks to Katsu Roll for diverting my attention to this - adjectives and adverbs. Try to be aware of how you use them. There are many instances in which you don't need them, because they don't add any more to your description. Instead, show and not tell. Instead of saying someone said something 'mischievously', show it in their dialogue. Or their actions.
Which brings me to Jaclyn's character. I get the sense she's supposed to be the evil crazy stepmother, but it's not clear to me. I'd like to see you make that even more apparent in the things she says, and her mannerisms.
As for the technical aspects of your writing, for the most part, you're pretty solid in that area, so I don't really feel the need to go too far into detail. What I will say, though-and to me, this should be the biggest takeaway from this review-is that some of your paragraphs I'd recommend splitting up into shorter ones. It makes for easier reading. Especially for dialogue, you'd be surprised how often just that simple change can quicken the pace of a verbal exchange. For example:
"I'm so glad," Jaclyn breathes, almost laughing as she shakes her head in disbelief. "I'm so glad he's taken an interest in you. What else would we have done? How would we have survived with such a disgrace?" She turns to look at me disapprovingly, and I shift uncomfortably in my seat. "You should have known better than to have spoken out of turn! And on their returning day, no less! They must be exhausted from their long journey, and then they have to deal with the death of their father!
"How could you have even thought of insulting even one of them? Everyone has their faults, but you have no business to tell our princes just what theirs are! What would have happened had he not stepped in? We would have been banished! Shunned! What can our neighbors think of us now? Oh, but that dear prince has saved you—taken interest, no less! Oh, and the sheer wealth of them! Their crowns alone hold a priceless jewel that could pay off all of our house!"
First paragraph, I'd split into two right after 'disgrace.' And actually, this is a rather long spiel by Jaclyn, isn't it? You might consider shortening it for more brevity. Or perhaps insert a one liner by Aria after 'death of their father.'
The point is to make the pacing snappier. Just like in real life, people's eyes start to glaze over when they get confronted by a long speech. Having Aria interject can also make it sound more like an argument.
| heartworkmechanics chapter 4 . 2/17/2013
Great chapter! I wonder who's side we'll see next! I am so excited! :D
| William Kayspear chapter 4 . 2/15/2013
Wow the sly SOB haha, he has to be my second favorite; after Gail. Keep updating!
| heartworkmechanics chapter 2 . 2/9/2013
Krys is adorable but so far I like Dalek more. It's just his childish attitude! :D So cute!
| heartworkmechanics chapter 1 . 2/9/2013
Awesome prologue! I am reading on!
| x-Omega-x chapter 2 . 12/28/2012
I like your story; it really captures my interest and the dialogue is witty, two of the main things that makes me enjoy a story. I'll be faving and following ;). Keep it up!
| heal me forever chapter 1 . 10/10/2012
its good update soon :)