|Reviews for Son of Slayer Episode 1: Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore|
| SoRA UNDERDoG chapter 6 . 1/22/2013
d'awww! and i was thinking... someone incredibly lean and smexy for hikaru, like orlando bloom ... *drools* for your cast i mean.
this is good! BRAVO!
| Kenji1234 chapter 5 . 1/9/2013
I got so excited when I saw the ships you mentioned. Sherlock and Watson forever.
| Yuuenchi chapter 1 . 1/6/2013
Hello there! I found your story from the "Story Pimpin'" topic of the FictionPress Round Table Discussion" froum, and thought I'd give it a whirl. (Currently I've only read through chapter 3, so this is really a partial review, more of a first impression than a structured review, so please bear with me.)
As to be expected of a manga style story "Son of Slayer" is very dialogue driven, whether internal or interpersonal, and that's good. The story idea is a little simplified (but then again, so is a lot of manga), it comes across as a 'normal' school-days, slice-of-life drama. I like school-life series by the way (it being one of my favorite anime genes)
Another thing overall, the story doesn't feel grounded -is the best way to put it. Other than not being set in Japan (things like Trapper Keepers, going to different classrooms for different classes, and a school named for Pres (or Sen?) Kennedy being giveaways) I'm not sure where it is set, other than some vague Mid West or West Coast American town.
In terms of Jason and Hikaru being vampire and werewolf composites, nothing in the story so-far says whether or not such 'supernatural' beings are acknowledged, accepted, or whatnot, so
What concerns me in particular though is the action Jason takes in relation to Hikaru in chapter 3..it feels too rushed, to absent of consequences. (that's about as specific as I can be without spoilers)
But, do keep up the good work, and I look forward to reading future installments.
| SoRA UNDERDoG chapter 5 . 12/26/2012
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AY! .
| SoRA UNDERDoG chapter 4 . 12/26/2012
elijah wood would be the best voice for jason . innocent and adorable ...
keep up the good work!
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 12/26/2012
Okay, so this is a play-by-play ABSOLUTELY honest review, and thus it's not "gentle" (so if you don't want a critique, don't read on ;] ), but I want to tell you before you DO read on, that I don't mean any of this in a mean way. I really was just writing the review as I read the story, and going in depth on all the points I thought were necessary. My advice is "take it or leave it" - you don't have to agree with me, but please don't argue with me. My opinion is yours to do with what you will, but I don't want your anger...if that makes sense. x3 Alrighty...
I couldn't count how many times I've read a story that starts off with a blaring alarm clock. It's been done and done and done, and the worst part is, it's not interesting, even the first time it was done. A few chapters in, if it's convenient? Okay, maybe then it's okay. But not for the first chapter. For your first chapter, you want to prove to your readers that your story is worth reading. That it's interesting. That your characters are people with quirks and goals and secrets and habits that the readers should care about.
When you open with an alarm clock, you're opening with a boring thing that we've dealt with already in our own lives a thousand times, and the character's are strangers to us. Why should we care how this stranger's day is starting? Short answer: we don't yet.
Best to try to open with something that sets your story apart. (Just as a word of advice.) Moving on past the first sentence...
Why should I care that he's wearing baby blue footie pajamas? He's still a stranger to me. The color and type of his pajamas are irrelevant at this point. (In general, descriptions of clothes are irrelevant unless they serve a purpose to the plot - maybe if they were a gift from someone important to the character, or they have other sentimental value, or have a certain smell to them that tells us something about the character. Anything that gives us valuable information about who this character is as a person is good. Anything that wastes space listing off trivia is pointless.)
Alright, out of the first paragraph, onto the next sentence. Description of characters can be important - it's good for the readers to have a mental image of what the important ones look like - but you don't usually need to list it all straight up point blank. Feed us details in pieces, and try to avoid passive verbs (not just in physical description - in everything).
Passive verbs are dead verbs - verbs that don't actually show any action, just link sentences together: am/are/is/was/were, be/being/been, has/have/had, do/does/did, etc.. If you find that your prose is littered with these, you are probably "telling" your audience a lot without "showing" them what's going on (show versus tell argument). Passive voice is boring and drags down even the most interesting story unless you are extremely talented. Moving on...
Your third paragraph is also all "telling" - you're telling us more about his appearance and you're telling us more about who he is. Try to *show* us who he is. Let the important details of his past and his background weave themselves into the plot to keep things interesting as you go along.
Fourth paragraph is a little better. This time the description of the clothes he picks versus the clothes he would rather wear feels more distinctly like it's actually showing us a little about who he is. You could argue that the baby footie pajamas were a prelude to that, which makes it slightly more acceptable, (but the fact remains that at the *time* I hadn't been given any reason to care yet what he was wearing). Food for thought - obviously feel free to ignore me, I just feel like leaving a detailed review tonight.
Mrrrr, pancakes. Deja vu to every other story ever where a kid wakes up to an alarm clock and walks down to find their mother making pancakes.
[Breakfest is almost ready" she said,smiling.] Comma after "ready" and a space after the comma after said (before the word "smiling"). Also, it's spelled "breakfast" not "breakfest".
["Sweetheart, you haven't eaten in four days.] Oh yay. Another story about a kid with an eating disorder. Isn't he half-vampire? Does he even have to eat? At least that's a point of interest. I look forward to finding out how you handle that.
["Good morning, little buddy" Alix said ] Comma after "buddy" before the closing quotation.
Urgh. Do I have to get a list description of the appearances of every character the instant they're introduced? The answer: I'd rather not. But you're giving them to me anyway. Make me care about who these people are before you list off their eye color, hair color, and body build like it's a role playing game. Or a driver's licence ID.
["That wouldn't do me any good! Besides, it'd make everyone suspicious if they saw what I can do."] I'm taking this to mean he has some kind of super strength thanks to his powers and he's not even using a *little* of that to defend himself. Wow. I'm sorry, but my respect for him as a person just dropped. I like the cute quirks about him - the clothes he likes, his bear, and the way he addresses his father (hell, I still call my dad Daddy, pshhhh) - but I would like him a helluvah lot more if he weren't such an absolute mope/pushover. I want to root for him, but I can't root for him if he isn't even fighting for himself and putting some effort out there.
[...letting it's contents fall out onto the floor.] *its (possessive, not a contraction)
[Fabrizio] XD Omg, what the hell kind of a name...all I can think of is "Fabreez"...laughing...can't stop...*deep breaths* Dunno if that was intentional or not but whatever.
I will say those girls making that "autistic" comment *did* piss me off, so you get kudos there. The hating high school part though...eh. I think we can tell by that point that we hate it, so it's not really necessary to write it out, and it doesn't exactly leave us with a 'hook' that makes me want to read on.
Your goal at the opening of the first chapter is to make your story stand out and immediately work on making me care about your main character(/characters). Your goal at the closing of the first chapter is to leave me with something to gnaw on - leave me unsatisfied, leave me wondering, make me me for whatever reason really *itch* to find out what happens next. There are a number of ways to do that, so fiddle around with it. Try stuff out.
But whatever you do, don't give up! It always always always takes practice - I sucked *balls* when I first started writing (I still am fully aware I have TONS of room for improvement), and everyone starts that way. I believe in telling people what's what though, so they have the information to work with to improve.
Keep working on it! And Merry (belated) Christmas! :D
| Kiame-Hime chapter 6 . 12/24/2012
I think this is the most adorkable story I have ever read! Jason is just so cute! you have me roflmao-ing at the, " If you ask a fanfiction writer they are." Although I really love Hikaru and Jason, honestly the character I like the most would have to be Alix because c'mon having a dad that sensitive and accepting would be awesome! I just love how Jason still calls his dad "daddy" too, again adorkable! keep writing!
| Valkyrie99 chapter 6 . 12/24/2012
*sniff* Aww and they lived happily ever after... For now anyway. :3 Good work!
| Valkyrie99 chapter 5 . 12/18/2012
AHAHA I love the end with the whole Kirk, Spock thing. Aww they're all safe, but that can't be the end of it! Keep up the good work. :3
| Valkyrie99 chapter 4 . 12/18/2012
Uh oh, who's the blue haired lady? On to the next chapter! End question: You mean the voices?... I don't know.
| Alyksandra Barqada chapter 3 . 11/29/2012
Hehe, that was übercute. XP
| SoRA UNDERDoG chapter 3 . 11/25/2012
nawww! this just keeps getting better and better as it continues!
| Nero Fotia chapter 1 . 11/24/2012
I know how the heck that feels like.
I feel like you've brought out the candidity and awkwardness in someone. Good job.
Well, I'd call Jason childish, and yes I have black hair and no, my eyes aren't two-colored.
They act a lot alike though, minus the teddy bear. He brings his twin sister's stuffed dog.
Hey! That's uncalled for.
Oh well, Gambatte, Calico Productions- sama?
| Valkyrie99 chapter 3 . 11/23/2012
Awww How will the two face each other now when Jason's avoiding Hikaru and Hikaru is being dragged away. Keep up the good work! :3
| PCheshire chapter 3 . 11/23/2012
Gotta love the parents.
might want to lighten the treatment of other students on Jason
Good Read anyway