|Reviews for The William Profile|
| arashi-chan12 chapter 21 . 1/26
Hoo boy, that was an awesome read. :D There were some grammar errors, but overall, it was EPIC. I look forward to book 2!
| Guest chapter 13 . 1/25
Just wanted to say that I'm really enjoying this right now, even though I am in a groggy state. Staying up just to read this, but alas, all good things must come to an end. ;v; But I will definitely continue reading once I wake up. I really love this! Keep up the good work!
| arashi-chan12 chapter 1 . 1/25
This is pretty interesting so far! Definitely reading more!
| Girlinblue24 chapter 1 . 12/22/2013
I have to say this, because I always have to remark on opening lines, this made me giggle. It was a nice hook. With only reading this one sentence, I have no idea who this woman is, or why she is approaching a broken house in the middle of a dead cornfield a long way away from home; but, knowing that she is armed with a cheery disposition makes me laugh. I like it. I like her. This one sentence had me writing a paragraph about why I liked it so much.
I like the amount of sarcasm in this. I get a hint of serious and a dash of humor form it.
I enjoyed Piper's character the most.
I don’t normally read stories like this. The whole witch/wizard/warlock thing is not my style; however, this was a nice seemed like a different style of sorts. Usually, these kinds of stories are all the same, but this one was different. It was well written, and I more or less enjoyed it due to Piper. I like her.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 10/19/2013
I’d suggest, if possible, either cutting down this chapter a little or splitting it at some point. For an introduction, it’s a little long, and although interesting, not a lot really happens to keep the reader hooked. Yes, it’s good to show us the characters and let us get to know them, but you also need to introduce something a bit earlier on, something for the reader to really get their teeth into and make them want to keep reading. Here, I think you introduce the plot a little late, and you could lose some people early on.
I do like the story and you have a really interesting premise. What I would suggest though is reading over it, as I found myself getting a bit confused in some places, especially when she’s transferring stuff between her old room and her current one. I feel like you squeeze a lot of information in, too, making it harder for the reader to keep a solid track of what’s going on, what’s happened, who these people are, etc. Try slowing it down a bit, introduce the information in smaller chunks. But yeah, mainly just reread it, try to see it from the POV of a reader who is being introduced to these characters for the first time. Good luck, and hope this helps.
| Vladvonbounce chapter 6 . 8/25/2013
I really enjoyed all the action, drama and excitement in this chapter. At some points I got a little lost as to what was going on and why but it wasn't too bad. Like I didn't quite get why a hellgate with a stack of goblins and then later on centaurs and some weird guy just appeared out of nowhere? I also really liked the developing relationship between Piper and Raith. Very sweet. Most of the grammar stuff all looked good!
"Tony hollered as a rummbly in the floor made me think twice about Raith's words and my breakfast in my tummbly."
-rumble and tummy.
"His eyes were fixed on the cloaked man and determined to stand by what he had said. Nothing waivered"- wavered
| Vladvonbounce chapter 5 . 8/14/2013
Another exciting chapter. I liked the way you looked through Makin's different memories and also revealed a bit more about the exorcists. Poor guy at the end though. Great finishing line too.
"fustercluck"? Is this a real word?
"with long blonde curled, layered, and teased hair, especially around her face, that created a volume that must have been popular then" - the words especially and volume stand out as a bit weird to me in this sentence although I don't know much about hair.
"That's the problem with mindwalking, nothing makes logical sense. Everything's topsy turvy; you can be running through a field one minute and end up in the bottom of a lake the next because you took a left at the junkyard rather than going down the rabbit hole to human resources."- awesome description!
""You sure it's okay that we use it to stir paint?" "-very funny.
"Spend a hundred years studying and fighting under a Reaper, protecting the mortal world from whatever man-eating magical alligator in the sewer and the Conclave backs off from you."- "Spend a hundred years studying and fighting under a Reaper, protecting the mortal world from whatever man-eating magical alligator lurks in the sewers and then the Conclave backs off from you."
""Over your dead body." I snared. "Oh, wait."" Should that be snarled? Also it is a bit odd to snarl when making a joke.
"I was hoping that banishing spell while I was under would get her out of the building"- that the banishing spell I cast...?
"There was a dark pool of red blood around his body, sinking into the sheets, like an aura of death. ... The splatter was covering up half of Markin's terrified face, screaming into the darkness, trying to cover up how hyperextended and painful it looked.
Very nice and graphic description.
| Vladvonbounce chapter 4 . 8/11/2013
Another cool chapter. The interactions between the different types of supernatural characters is well done. Although I still don't quite understand why Piper hates Raith with so much passionate hatred. I also didn't understand when Tessa started going on about Wednesday but I guess when she looked into raith's mind she saw that he actually likes Piper. As he doesn't seem to be returning the hate towards her. Am not sure how I feel about Chuck. Seems a rather unusual character but may warm up to him. I think you have tried for something quite different which is good.
I felt like they sort of moved from the café to the house to the hospital without breaking from conversation. Maybe some line breaks might help break up the chapter a bit.
"and then use it to hold down an establishment where lots people can be without drawing a lot of attention"
-Should be "lots of people" but also the rest of the sentence needs to be something else depending on what you meant?
"Generally speaking, there are good people, when you strip the layers off and look underneath; even they have an inner sociopath that wants rip your face off hidden somewhere."
perhaps "Generally speaking, even the good people, when you strip the layers off; have an inner sociopath hidden underneath."
Although I think this is a bit of a generalization there are many people who don't have bottled up anger issues.
"Tessa nudged him again as he looked over at her like Riot does as videos of puppies." - at
"You told me to look for what could rip an hole in a healthy adolescent Thai man"- a
"This is usually due to the fact that women were just more open emotionally compatible to handle the idea of all the knowledge of all of creation burning away their brain from another female."
I didn't quite understand this sentence. What exactly do sylphs do?
"because despite what Darwin told you"
I don't think this is really accurate. Darwin didn't mean physically fittest
"Elementals basically burn out the personality of their host but leave their natural responses to stimulus behind, like what they found funny or what could upset them. You could say that there was a spec of the original mind still behind the eyes of each host an elemental burned out." I think you could have explained this above. Either way it is an intriguing and original concept. I wonder about the morality of creatures doing this?
"He looked up at me like one of those puppies in the adoption commercials with the sad music; scared, alone. Frightened. Beaten. Terrified."
They should all be individual sentences I think there.
""I do not know." I think he would say don't . Not using the contraction seems very formal.
"missing stained glass of some religious figure" I am not sure about this. you used and rather than but. however missing means it was unusual. What are you trying to say here?
""Yeah, okay, just force your way in." he doesn't seem very upset?
Nice ending leading on to the next chapter. We might finally get to find out what is going on!
| RisanF chapter 2 . 8/2/2013
-Do you know how many things in the universe can inflict nightmares and can leave you a hollowed out corpse eternally screaming into the darkness? If you do, my psychiatrist's cell phone number is 555-2368. She knows her crazy, so call her maybe.-
Ah, the good ol' 555 number, famous for not existing as a real number in any phone book. ;)
I'm wondering if Piper and Tessa are distinct enough from each other. They both have nonchalant, wiseacre speech patterns, and they talk like they've known each other for years (except for the part where Piper points a gun at Tessa). The zippy narrative and word-play works to keep our interest in the story (especially when it livens up expository information about magic and monsters), but it's a bit much when both character are clever in the same way. In contrast, scenes with Tony tend to work smoother, since he acts as a straight-man to all the young-adult banter.
There's some issues with punctuation and capitals in your story, though the formatting on the whole is very good. I do like the insights into the legal system concerning magical creatures.
| Vladvonbounce chapter 3 . 7/28/2013
Another cool chapter. Still loving the casual conversation and pop culture references. A lot of your writing makes me laugh. I think your vampires are quite interesting and different without them just not being vampires anymore. Which is pretty hard to do with the number of vampire stories out these days. I think you ended the chapter really well with Piper and Raith meeting up. Nicely dramatic.
The amount of information is still a bit overloading but I think this chapter was a bit better. Although I didn't quite fully understand how the ghouls work. Maybe we will find out more later.
Some of the grammar could do with a bit of work. Although I know from experience writing story is considerably more enjoyable.
"even that draws day a teacher of mine wanted to talk to my parents and walked me home"
This needs to be rewritten a bit.
" I didn't want to, but, one you start a memory, it's really hard to stop thinking about it." Should be once.
"Dad more or less told him to shove off as dragging me into the house" Should be "Dad more or less told him to shove off as he was dragging me into the house"
"But huge iron bowls you boil lizard guts in is heavy." should be are heavy.
Overall it was great read.
| Vladvonbounce chapter 2 . 7/24/2013
I like your pop culture references. they are always a laugh.
Your descriptions and dialogue are really good, often quite funny to read and easy to picture. The chapter is a little bit long, it's one massive conversation, it would be fine I think in a book but on the screen it starts to drag a bit unfortunately. I like the way you keep introducing new creatures like the Siren, she is pretty cool.
"That would considered be hard work because they'd actually have to do something."
Considered and be are the wrong way around.
| Vladvonbounce chapter 1 . 7/23/2013
This looks like a pretty cool story. Choosing wizards is an interesting choice and I think you have written them up quite nicely. I like the feel of their magic. It's quite powerful but cut useless by modern technology.
Monsters that kill through nightmares are pretty scary but I felt you could have introduced it a bit better. it was a bit too casual and then as the conversation continued on it got more and more serious.
"I walked lightly over the porch not to make a sound" Should that be 'not making'
"It was just as much wood of the house showing as the light blue paint "
Should that maybe start with 'There'?
"I'm a wizard by trade, a witch if you'd rather identify me by my gender, a sorcerer if you'd rather insult me, a mage if you wanted to be specific, spellcaster for those so incline, and I'm an Exorcist in training"
I really like this. it sets up the sort of magic terminology quickly and simply. Although it should possibly be inclined?
"subtle and quick to anger" Love the LotR reference.
"She picked up a pair of shoes off the ground, and politely pushed past us."
Who is she? Is this a random bypasser? I am pretty sure it's not Piper?
"I liked my wand. It made me feel like a proper wizard when I pointed it at things."
Love this. Gives a great description of Piper's personality and also the attachment between a wizard and their wand.
"I have fought the scumbag before I could tell time" This could be worded better.
"I fought with the scumbag before I was able to tell the time."?
Overall I think it is a pretty good start and I want to read more so well done.
| HopelessGenius chapter 20 . 7/21/2013
Aww this was such a perfect ending...I love Raith. I can't wait for Piper to realize just how perfect they are for each other :) Anyway, anxiously awaiting the next book!
| RisanF chapter 1 . 7/21/2013
-It was just as much wood of the house showing as the light blue paint that was slow chipping off-
("slowly" chipping off)
-tanner then it normal, somewhat pale complexion.-
-"Would you quit it?!" He glared down at me as light footsteps came around the corner. She picked up a pair of shoes off the ground, and politely pushed past us.-
(I'm not sure who "she" refers to. Is this a new character entering the scene? It seems like that's the case, but there's no description of the mystery person. I think something's missing here)
-hosting more conventions of books.-
(I don't think this is the right usage of "convention")
-The offender was a handle and I pulled on it, because it only takes something shiny for me to forget that Tony's house is full of loaded weapons.-
-"Just use your magic."I didn't have to look over to know Tony was shooting me looks."You could jump it, levitate, force it. C'mon slow poke."-
(This needs a few spaces)
-"'ou 'ill 'no owta oz un a o's?" He asked with his mouth full. I took a moment to process what he said and attempt translating Bacon-ese.-
(I'm not sure I understand Bacon-ese , either...)
-"Sorry, think you can come give me hand and just jump all this stuff from FSD?"-
(come give me "a" hand?)
-With that done, he jingled his keys, went to the stairs, and headed down. I grinned when I realized that he was going to the airport in a car. I told you, wizards have no use for conventional transport, especially airplanes.-
(This is a little confusing. If wizards have no use for conventional transportation, why is he traveling in a car? Isn't a car conventional transportation as well? I understand from the next paragraph that Tony is somewhat of a motorhead, but the first paragraph almost seems to imply that traveling by car is LESS conventional than some other method.)
Good atmospheric writing. The readers get a good view of the surroundings, and some nice, poetic turns of phrases linking everything up. Tony seems pretty cool; the kind of grizzled, old softie that's always a mentor-type in these kinds of stories. The magic system and history you've devised is interesting, and helps distinguish the tale from Harry Potter.
| little egret chapter 1 . 7/16/2013
I dislike the length of this chapter because I think it's too much in one go - I could see it being broken into at least two separate chapters. I like the subject of wizards and using wands because I think there's little of this written after Harry Potter - not many have wanted to approach the archetypes since then, so it was refreshing to see another take on it.
I enjoyed the narrative voice of Piper (Charmed reference?) because I thought at some points it balanced humor while still imparting information about your wizarding world. Plus the sarcasm about Harry Potter was great. I did notice that you have a lot of punctuation problems with your dialogue - perhaps you could try correcting it just for sake of flow when the character's speak, but I didn't find it too distracting.
Because of the length of the chapter, I also felt it started to drag in some points, especially when Tony and Piper are talking about the bacon sandwich and the summoning of Gatorade - I kind of just started fighting the urge to skim, but I don't know if I'd be doing that if I knew there was a closer end in sight, sorry. I did like the very end though, because you ended with a snappy line and it makes me wonder what might come next, especially how Piper might get the book.