Reviews for The Williams Profile
Krast Bannert chapter 1 . 8/10/2014
Aloha from the Roadhouse! And no, I'm not from Hawai'i, I just like the language.

Usually I'm not one for stories about the supernatural and wizards and stuff (and yet I like fantasy. Go figure). But this is a really good story. The only mistakes I really spotted were in the grammar and spelling department, but everyone misses those.

My only other complaint is the nightmare creature thing. Now, I think it's a good idea, but it just seems too much like a Nightmare on Elm Street parody. I know this is only chapter 1 of 25, and so you may have fixed that. I'm just going to have to read and find out, eh?
Vladvonbounce chapter 7 . 5/13/2014
Sorry it took a while to return review I lost internet.

The dialogue in this chapter remains really nice and snappy. The love/hate relationship between the two is fun and is progressing very nicely. The whole holding hands thing was very sweet

I also like the bits of information about things in the magical world but sometimes it feels a bit like passages from a magic textbook have been copied in. But I am very impressed with the amount of detail in the background of the story. You can tell you have put a lot of thought into it and I think it works pretty well. Great work.
alltheeagles chapter 5 . 5/12/2014
For the RG EF

I like how clearly you’ve got the lore of your world planned out, even if it’s still an effort at this point to keep everything straight. So if I ever ask a question that can be answered with “Oh come on, I explained that in chapter 2!” then I beg your pardon. I also like how you hint at Raith’s actual feelings towards Piper through his reaction in the action bit, rather than tell us outright, Hey, this Raith guy actually likes Piper a lot. That O Death O Death ditty, is it a traditional song or poem or something? It could be a motif for your story.
alltheeagles chapter 4 . 5/7/2014
For the RG EF

I was expecting some kind of showdown after the dramatic entrance last chapter, but nope, Raith is just glowering. Fine with me. Right, so I like the balance you strike between telling us things about the supernatural beings and their abilities, interspersed with conversation that moves the plot along. The only problem with that is I feel that I have to remember a lot of new things before I can really get into the story proper, like this is the 101 course that I have to pass before I get to enter the Advanced level. I also like how your characters have chemistry with each other, but I hope this aspect of it doesn’t overpower everything else as things develop, otherwise it’d turn into How I Met Your Mother with a side of weird.
alltheeagles chapter 3 . 5/7/2014
For the RG EF

I like how you have Piper tell her history with Shaun through this talk with Tessa rather than through a long info dump. Good technique there. However, I’d prefer if Piper also had little thoughts about WHY she hates Shaun so much rather than have it presented as an inarguable fact. I like the dramatic ending – it’s a classic hook leading into the next chapter, and it's about time Shaun made an appearance to dispel for us the various possibly unfair impressions of him that have been set up by an obviously biased Piper. Confession: I associate the name Shaun with a sheep so that kind of takes away a little of the bad-boy vampire aura, but that’s just being nitpicky.
alltheeagles chapter 2 . 5/5/2014
For the RG EF

I like your descriptions of people; they are very current and vivid, and you also use the introduction of the new character to tell us more about the MC. That’s a good move cause otherwise if she described herself to us that would sound vain. I also like your idea of differentiating between ‘classical’ variants of supernatural beings and... ‘modernised’ ones I suppose? That gives you room to play around with the conventional lore on particular beings eg sirens are supposedly just pretty women with nice voices who hang around rocks but here you have Tessa the mindreading shapechanger.
Jitterbug Blues chapter 3 . 5/5/2014
So, I really like Tessa. She's such a fun and lively character, especially because of her Irene Adler-like vibes (I garner: she's bi? She seems to like 'Black Widow'). Anyhow, I like her sensuality and how friendly she appears, even if she does read people's minds. I think it works, because it makes her a well-rounded character.

Hmm, I am not normally fond of info dump, but I liked that bit you gave us about vampires eating plants. It's different from anything I've heard before, and it works because it's intriguing. Definitely makes me want to find out more. I also liked that little backstory of the narrator with her ex-boyfriend/vampire - it's definitely intense, and makes me want to find out more. So, it works because it's something that keeps the plot rolling.

Still think you could condense those chapters/the prose a bit, just to make it flow more :) I also think the scene shift to Lori was a bit abrupt.
Jitterbug Blues chapter 2 . 5/5/2014
I liked how described Tessa: I thought it was going to be random at first, but seeing how's she a siren, I thought it was lovely how you linked her physical attractiveness with her powers. I think it made sense, and really made sense (especially for the the narrator to be attracted to her :3). I also liked the mention Sherlock BBC and Irene Adler - that was fun, because I'm a fan of the show and Tessa definitely gives me Irene Adler vibes too. It gives her more edge. I also enjoy how she's such a sexual creature, confident but also smart and powerful. It makes her interesting, and also establishes her as being an important asset to the group.

I find the story interesting so far - I like the hints of all the creatures and all, though I'd wish you'd condense your prose a bit. Or make the chapters shorter. It just seems like a chunk of a lot of information that could be presented differently (though I like this 3).
alltheeagles chapter 1 . 5/5/2014
For the RG EF

I like the premise of your story in general because I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of what if magic existed today in our world of google and instagram and all – how would they be able to prevent their existence from being found out by a cameraphone-happy bystander at any time? I quite like Piper’s dry humour, though I’m not entirely sure about the constant disparaging of her mentor since it doesn’t really seem to be the affectionate type of insulting. There’s a lot of information packed into this first chapter, which can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, if you managed to hook the reader, he/she would only be too happy to read on, but on the other, it could be all too much, too much, and thus too daunting to continue with. For improvement, I’d suggest overall editing – missing words, etc. Just to start you off: the word ‘creek’ which should be ‘creak’, ‘closest’ should be ‘closet’.
Jitterbug Blues chapter 1 . 5/4/2014
I like the beginning if this, with the introduction and the description of the town - it's all very visual and easy to envision. It works because it's easy to get into. I also am intrigued by the plot, this being the second wizard story I've seen around, and I think you've got an interesting spin on it. I also think the plot pulls you in, what with the mission and all. I like the writing style, because it's fluid and easy to read; I think you especially do a good job with the first person. I'd prefer more scene breaks, but's only me.
arashi-chan12 chapter 21 . 1/26/2014
Hoo boy, that was an awesome read. :D There were some grammar errors, but overall, it was EPIC. I look forward to book 2!
Guest chapter 13 . 1/25/2014
Just wanted to say that I'm really enjoying this right now, even though I am in a groggy state. Staying up just to read this, but alas, all good things must come to an end. ;v; But I will definitely continue reading once I wake up. I really love this! Keep up the good work!
arashi-chan12 chapter 1 . 1/25/2014
This is pretty interesting so far! Definitely reading more!
Girlinblue24 chapter 1 . 12/22/2013
I have to say this, because I always have to remark on opening lines, this made me giggle. It was a nice hook. With only reading this one sentence, I have no idea who this woman is, or why she is approaching a broken house in the middle of a dead cornfield a long way away from home; but, knowing that she is armed with a cheery disposition makes me laugh. I like it. I like her. This one sentence had me writing a paragraph about why I liked it so much.
I like the amount of sarcasm in this. I get a hint of serious and a dash of humor form it.
I enjoyed Piper's character the most.
I don’t normally read stories like this. The whole witch/wizard/warlock thing is not my style; however, this was a nice seemed like a different style of sorts. Usually, these kinds of stories are all the same, but this one was different. It was well written, and I more or less enjoyed it due to Piper. I like her.
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 10/19/2013
I’d suggest, if possible, either cutting down this chapter a little or splitting it at some point. For an introduction, it’s a little long, and although interesting, not a lot really happens to keep the reader hooked. Yes, it’s good to show us the characters and let us get to know them, but you also need to introduce something a bit earlier on, something for the reader to really get their teeth into and make them want to keep reading. Here, I think you introduce the plot a little late, and you could lose some people early on.

I do like the story and you have a really interesting premise. What I would suggest though is reading over it, as I found myself getting a bit confused in some places, especially when she’s transferring stuff between her old room and her current one. I feel like you squeeze a lot of information in, too, making it harder for the reader to keep a solid track of what’s going on, what’s happened, who these people are, etc. Try slowing it down a bit, introduce the information in smaller chunks. But yeah, mainly just reread it, try to see it from the POV of a reader who is being introduced to these characters for the first time. Good luck, and hope this helps.
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