Reviews for Goodbye, Blue Sky (Play)
Complex Variable chapter 9 . 1/19/2013
[EIS tilts his head to look at him. He's a strange man, nearly ageless in appearance. His hair's a color that could be light-blond or white. His ice-pale eyes glint.] - - - The name's pronounced "ice", isn't it? xD That feels just a wee too manga-esque for this story.

[INT. CYRUS'S OFFICE] - - - xo If a word ends in an "s", you don't put another "s" after the apostrophe.

[but quails under CYRUS'S] - - - Every time you do this, one of your Resistance members defects, and joins the Reapers. XD

[A plan roars outside, sending] - - - "plane"?

The "passing by the piano" thing was strangely moving. Maybe I'm just thinking of "The Pianist" (the movie).

So, Ras and Zoya are Reapers who are allied with the Resistance, and they killed Dale to take control? I'm slightly confused about it, honestly.

And... ooh, do I sense a Brother vs. Brother conflict coming on?

True Talker chapter 12 . 1/19/2013
This makes me think. This was interesting to read. (:
Complex Variable chapter 8 . 1/18/2013
Brilliant formatting solution! 8D *Happy happy joy joy!*

[Temp HQ. Cyrus is there! Wouldn't it be cool if we could blow it up.] - - - Ah, the young revolutionary. So full of hope. Hope, and plastic explosives. XD

Okay, Kai is REALLY badass. He should get to dual-weild pistols or shotguns, etc. at some point.

The drama in this chapter flows smoothly and clearly, conveyed accurately and enjoyably by your lovely formatting. It's very easy to follow and visualize. Good job with the skirmish with Reapers, and great reaction from Jack at the ending.

Great title for the chapter, by the way. xD

Complex Variable chapter 7 . 11/3/2012
[Scene V. As before.] - - - - (-_-) Which "before"? Don't be lazy; c'mon, spell it out!

[They stand deadlocked] - - - Uh, what does this mean?

[Else we'll never make it."] - - - "Else"? What is he, an "If/Then" statement in C? XD I think "Otherwise (comma)" would work much better.

[They move off quickly. Andrei... no one comes shouting.] - - - Once again: why are these separate lines? Make it one paragraph—maybe even two!

[If we worked out the times right. If they didn't change the patrols again] - - - I would make that period a semicolon.

[The destroyer.] - - - I would capitalize "destroyer"

[[It's not obvious whether the lack of reaction is due to being completely unperturbed, or being completely scared out of his mind.]] - - - the lack of whose/what's reaction?

[The scenery's like a sleepwalk – or a dream.] - - - I would say "The scenery passes like a sleepwalk—or a dream".

-_- : From [[The others start moving off; only then does Ras let Andrei go.]] to [[Ras impatiently grabs it, pulls it the rest of the way open.]], you have *pauses to count* fourteen lines that are broken apart that don't need to be. Make it into one section, into two or three PARAGRAPHS.

[Ow.] - - - this thought doesn't have a character name-tag with it. This displeases me.

[[The scratching of the pen's the only audible sound.]] - - - this sounds weird. Try "The only audible sound was the scratching of a pen.]

[Hal. "Don't you think that's a little insensitive. Jack."] - - - Though asking questions without question-marks is considered cool or edgy in certain circles, I am definitely not of that same persuasion. I would write "Don't you think that's a little insensitive, Jack?".

["Any personal information, for that matter."] - - - I would make it "Or any personal..."

[ "It's okay, Hal. he can come with us."] - - - "he" should be capitalized.

["Another door opens as soon as one closes."] - - - why not try "Every time a door closes, another one opens." ?

[[He walks off, whistling.]

[Andrei stands there a moment, in the doorway. It opens onto one of the hotel's dining rooms. Kind of creepy, with all the tables empty.]

[He hesitates, looks back like part of him wants to go and find Jack. But the man's disappeared down the hall, who knows which door.]

[And then the exhaustion hits. The fact he's been walking all night, more than he ever has at once. And also the mental strain.]] - - - I'm reading these in my "William Shatner. Voice." You know. The kind of. Voice where every. Thing. Is read with unnecessary. Pauses. In-between. Make this. Into. A. Single paragraph.


Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Complex Variable chapter 6 . 10/28/2012
[Scene I. One of the city's main streets. A day of celebration. The buildings are plastered with decorations; the Twisted Cross and Dragon being most prominent.

People line the street, cheering and waving flags. The enthusiasm seems fairly authentic.

Andrei and Aaron sit on the roof of a building, watching the procession go past.] - - - You're not being consistent with your formatting, here. Whenever you have multiple lines of stage directions that are set off from one another by a return, you've been putting each line in brackets. Either do that here, or don't break up the setting directions with RETURNS. It's kind of annoying.

[Yeah, yeah, save it.] - - - I would make that second comma a dash.

Several of (Andrei's?) thoughts are separated from their thinker's name-tag by an extra line—e.g. "It makes me sick.", "How I got through it unscathed.", etc. You don't do this in the previous chapter; you keep your character's thoughts on the same line as their dialogue, without pressing RETURN, or—in the case that the thought occurs without an associated line of dialogue, you put a dialogue-tag in there just for the thought. I would keep this up; I wouldn't want you to start slacking on the your good formatting habits! XD Also, shouldn't there be a question mark instead of a period at the end of "How I got through it unscathed." ?

[Scene II. ... creeps away the way he came.] - - - (-_-) This angers me. The formatting... the formatting. Can't you just make it a paragraph? Multiple-line paragraphs aren't always evil, you know. XD

["Upped security like crazy."] - - - Why not start off that sentence with "They've" ?

[ " 'st time to go then?"] - - - " 'st"? I've read a lot of abbreviations and conjunctions. A LOT of them; " 'st" isn't one of them. What does it even mean? Are you trying to write " s'time" —the "s" sound of "is" slurred up against the "t" in "time"? If so, I would use "s'time", not " 'st"—the contracted sound doesn't stand on its own; it mooches off of the word that it's smooshed together with.

I wouldn't bother giving the cat explicit "dialogue"—just explain its reactions in the stage directions, like you've already mostly done.

Once again, I like it when I can figure out what's going on; the comic-book format really resonates quite well with your writing style, and, with the story itself.

Also—just as a nagging reminder:

Andrei. —» Andrei:
Aaron. —» Aaron:
Woman (Zoya). —» Woman (Zoya):
Zoya. —» Zoya:
Ras. —» Ras:
Cat. —» Cat:
Leader (Dale). —» Leader (Dale):

Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:

Complex Variable chapter 5 . 10/28/2012
Lion. —» Lion:
Nikita. —» Nikita:
Alex. —» Alex:
Reaper 1 (Lance). —» Reaper 1 (Lance): (Also, you should put "#" before 1; i.e. "Reaper #1".)
Lance. —» Lance:

Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:
Period. —» Colon:

I hope I've made myself clear. :P

["Worm's getting cocky. Just 'cause he was promoted."] - - - For some reason, I want to hear "This worm's getting cocky, and all 'cause he was just promoted."

I woud consider using more names instead of pronouns in your stage directions; but, maybe it's just me being dense. XD

[Alex. "Oh god." [covers his face] "What did he do this time?"] - - - I would either italicize "god" of "this".

Also, I like the way you're developing the sibling relationship between Alex and Andrei; this should be an important part of the story all the way through 'till the end—or, until either Alex and/or Andrei gets killed. Also, also—as you do here—I like that you are using their developing relationship as a way of developing Alex as a character; I hope that you keep this up, too—as well as reciprocate it with corresponding developments in Andrei's character.
J.Kuzzey chapter 8 . 10/21/2012
I've been away from FictionPress for too long, I see! This is awesome! Now it really DOES need to be made into a comic! I can see the panels perfectly as I read this. As a script writer, it's format is different then what I am used to, but I can follow it nicely so there's no real concerns over that. Format is meaningless as long as the reader gets it. It's a creative pursuit, not a science. Though I can see why I few people might get a little tied up. They just have to pay attention to what they are reading!

It's interesting to read the original and then pop over and check out this script. I think your original prose translates easily over to something like this. Ah, have I mentioned I think this is awesome? I do. Oh, man, or even a film. I can see this as a film...
True Talker chapter 5 . 10/16/2012
I don't like the sound of Andrei being taken tomorrow. It doesn't sound good especially with how Alex is thinking. Yes, I am into reading this.
True Talker chapter 4 . 10/16/2012
Reading this does indeed make me think.
Complex Variable chapter 4 . 10/15/2012
I'm just gonna keep bugging you about this:

Name. Colon. Dialogue.

"Classmate 5: Come back inside." , not [Classmate 5. Come back inside.]

And, I still think you should put quotes around the characters' lines.

[– what are you doing?] - - - even though it's an interruption, you still need to capitalize the first letter of the line of dialogue, e.g. "—What are you doing?"

[Like why do you have to drag your issues here?] - - - I would add a comma after the "Like".

[and so despite the Emperor Calcifax's best efforts, the temple burnt down] - - - I wouldn't put the "the" in front of "Emperor", but it's your call.

[Let's just discuss this] - - - is the "just" really necessary? I don't think it is.

[It seems one of your classmates has been caught with contraband.] - - - I would use "was" instead of "has been"—"has been" is passive tense (I think) and therefore, it's supposed to be bad...

Other than that, there's nothing else for me to say. It's all nice and clear now. :D
True Talker chapter 3 . 10/14/2012
Reading this indeed does make me think. I will also say that this is written quite well. It seriously is.
True Talker chapter 2 . 10/14/2012
In this I felt sad for Andrei that Aaron had left him behind. I was intrigued by those that he had found around him and strangely some of this had reminded me of my dream. Some things anway - like warehouses. Why am I typing about my dream here? Because it MOSTLY seems that when I DO have a dream that is about someone I see things that are similar or certain things from it in stories later. I just do.
True Talker chapter 1 . 10/14/2012
This is indeed sad and reading this did make me think.
Complex Variable chapter 3 . 10/14/2012
[Well tell Them I said 'Hi'.] - - - since "Them" is obviously referring to the oppressors, I would put it in italics, rather than capitalize the first letter; you can do both, however

[If you refuse to correct your ways we'll be forced to take action,] - - - 1) I would add a comma between "ways" and "we'll"; also, why is there a comma dangling at the end of this sentence of Alex's dialogue? If you want to show a character getting interrupted, end their dialogue with an em-dash (—). I like to also put an em-dash at the beginning of the line of dialogue that is doing the interruption, ex:

1: "You'd better not—"
2: "—Interrupt you?"

[Stay quiet, be a good little mouse?] - - - I can't help but want to see this as "To stay quiet, like a good little mouse?". If you do it that way, it has a nice echo effect when compared to the sentence before it: [You want me to shut up?]. You might even add another "you want me"—i.e. "You want me to stay quiet, like a good little mouse?"

[What're gonna do about it?] - - - "What're you gonna do about it?"

Also, it's MUCH clearer now—what's going on in your story. Much more easy to follow. The constant dialogue pointing (saying who is doing what) REALLY helps.
Complex Variable chapter 2 . 10/14/2012
Interesting solution; I daresay, it actually works. :)

I would format it slightly differently, though:
You should put colons between the characters' names and their dialogue; also, the names shouldn't be in italics, AND, the dialogue should be in quotes, e.g. [Stranger. Did you ever wonder?] - - - should be [Stranger: "Did you ever wonder?"]

However, keep the character's thoughts in unquoted italics, as they are now; it's easier to discern them that way, when all of the spoken dialogue is in , keep the stage directions as they are now; they work well the way that you have them.

Also: [Where we'll fit in?] - - - something doesn't seem right about this line of Aaron's dialogue.