|Reviews for Ada|
| mstee5 chapter 1 . 10/18/2012
| InquireTheOrigin chapter 1 . 10/18/2012
Good Evening, (Librablueberry19)
Disclaimer: I would like to apologize in advance if you take offense to my criticism. I would never flame, bash, or troll your works because I find literature to be a very important aspect of life. Also, developing authors such as yourself would need improvement and I'm only here to show you examples on how to advance your writing. If any at all you feel I have insulted you, please feel free to let me know so that I may thoroughly apologize. Well, now that we've gotten that out of the way I shall continue.
First, let me congratulate you on being my first reviewee. I joined the site about 35 minutes ago even though I am no stranger to being an online author. I'm more of an elder in experience, not age.
Critique: You have an interesting plot, but I'd advise you to proofread before posting. It seems a bit rushed and could use more length within the first chapter. On the other hand, I noticed you have a few grammatical and punctuation errors. You may also need to work on sentence structure.
Example: Ada and Kate like every day are behind the bar cleaning down everything having they're usual girl talk.
Explanation For Grammatical Correction: They're stands for they are. The word you are trying to use is Their. Their, They're, and There can become confusing, but make sure to look over each before deciding which one to use.
Example For Punctuation/Sentence Structure Correction: Like every day, Ada and Kate are cleaning behind the bar. While everything is spruced, they begin their usual girl talk.
See the difference?
Your original sentence was a continuous thought. By breaking up the run on sentence into two individual sentences, you can see the clarification of thought.
I also noticed that you have trouble with detail and your constant usage of the same word. Expanding your vocabulary within your literature can make a huge impact on how it is visualized and interpreted. When reading a piece of literature, your audience is painting a picture in their mind. This can be closely compared to a film, no?
If you have any comments, concerns, or would like further advice please do not hesitate to contact me through a PM. I will commit to your reply within a week's time notice. And I wish you happy writing! You have much potential dear and I would only love to see more of your works come to life!
My works: If you don't mind, I've just archived a story called: Un Thai. Its under the genre of Romance and it would mean so much for you to critique/review on my work. I would gladly appreciate your support!