|Reviews for DISCONT|
| Lord Slayer chapter 4 . 7/28/2013
I thought your ideas for this chapter were interesting. Definitely the right time to introduce a major villain who's a credible threat. But it still feels like you're trying to describe too much in the battle sequences. Short sentences with strong, precise verbs are what you need to really ramp up how a reader perceives the action without changing how it progresses. Other than that, good job on this one.
| Y. S. Wong chapter 4 . 7/27/2013
Looks like we've been introduced to the big bad main antagonist here. And oh dear, straight to the gore scenes we go. Yummy.
Have to say, the gorey, bloody good violence was a nice change of pace to add some tension to your story.
But damn, so Akira is the top dog at Black Smile, huh? Didn't see that one coming.
Cue training arc.
| Y. S. Wong chapter 3 . 7/27/2013
A few tense inconsistencies this chapter. Also some instances of telling where you should have showed.
So not much this chapter other than the introduction of Tiers. Rather sooner than I expected for Shotaro to get an upgrade, but all right, let's see how this goes.
| cmaej chapter 4 . 7/27/2013
I didn't expect this chapter to have such a dark opening, but I do love a good villian. I'm glad Kikyo made it out alive, thought. I hope Yusuki died with some peace of mind.
I am quite surprised that Akira is the best of the best. Shouldn't he be tracking down and fighting Balmung instead of training?
| cmaej chapter 3 . 7/27/2013
When I think of Shattereds, I imagine the Twili from LOZ, Twilight Princess. I'm not sure if that's the image you were going for, but that's in my head. I would also like to see more of Akira. He seems stronger than he's letting on.
| cmaej chapter 2 . 7/27/2013
The Black Smile does seem cruel, but it's logical. I was expecting Akira to come to Shotaro's rescues as a way to build their relationship. Your approach is alot better, though (and not cheesy).
I also like that Shotaru has to work and build his skills, instead of being all-powerful right off the bat. There are way too many characters in anime and manga like that. Shotaru was just getting full of himself before Akira noted that the shattered was a small fry. "Try it again!" LOL
| Y. S. Wong chapter 2 . 7/27/2013
"It's going to sway and you've got to learn to sway with it, otherwise it's just going to die down and stop." Ohmai. Cool line Akira to the rescue.
Oh. So using Impetuses is actually just a crazy drug trip. I suppose this is where the title comes from?
I can already imagine the AkiraxShotaro yaoi fanfics and fanart.
So... the pills are Shotaro's medium? Druggie. I guess you're this week's unique weapon winner.
And talk about trial by fire. Glad Shotaro managed to work everything out in time.
P.S. I hope I'm not the only one imagining Takei as George Takei.
| Y. S. Wong chapter 1 . 7/27/2013
Oh, that's interesting. A hero outright rejecting the call to action. Many times the main protagonist just says "Okay!" to everything without questioning what's going on.
Sucks for Shotaro though. Drawn into something he doesn't want anything to do with. This Takei strikes me as a rather suspicious character though.
I'm guessing we'll be meeting the other members of Black Smile soon enough?
| Lord Slayer chapter 3 . 7/26/2013
Hmm, not much seems to have changed. You're on the third chapter right now and you really need to work on developing your characters. I feel like I know exactly as much about Shotaro now as I did when the story started. The fact that he doesn't seem to have anyone he trusts, or even likes, at school or in the Black Smile makes it very hard to relate to him. Worse, the only side of his character that we've seen so far is this sarcastic, rebellious guy who seems to lack any motivation for anything and has this knee-jerk reaction of being a jackass to anyone who wants him to do anything. i.e. He isn't very likeable. Everyone needs a friend, especially in fiction, because interactions with someone the character can trust and let his guard down around- as compared to when around everyone else- shows the reader that the character has many different sides to him. Is there anyone Shotaro cares about? A best friend, parents, a sibling, anyone? If so, then you need to show them, and if not then you need to give him something.
| Lord Slayer chapter 2 . 7/25/2013
One thing you really need to work on is that you tend to over explain things, to the point of being redundant. Even when setting up the scenery. For example, this:
"There was a ground so to speak. If ground means something that felt solid that one could stand on, then yes, there was a ground."
What you're basically doing here is saying that he's standing on the ground, and then explaining what that means. Sure, you go on to say that he's also not standing on anything, but you don't elaborate, you spend more time talking about how to stand, and it comes off as really condescending.
Another example is this:
"On the right sleeve of his leather jacket was a white arm band. It read, in black lettering, "Black Smile." In between the words "Black" and "Smile" were black lips that formed a large, open smile showing white teeth, the Black Smile's emblem."
Context clues make it fairly clear that this thing on the arm band is supposed to be the Black Smile's emblem, and you don't need to spell it out. It also occurs to me that you could say the same thing with fewer words, (i.e. "A band was wrapped around his right sleeve, white with the words Black Smile printed on it. A wide, black-lipped smile was set in between."). Less is often more in writing, so I strongly recommend that you work on communicating your ideas in as few words as possible. I would also suggest when proof-reading that you check very carefully to make sure you are aren't repeating yourself.
| cud-b-better chapter 3 . 7/24/2013
I like the ideas of the tiers and the explanation regarding it was also easy for even me to understand. But the shattered are starting to just appear and die off like roadkill. I'm hoping there are going to be some opponents that don't get destroyed so easily and in the same chapter they appear in.
| cud-b-better chapter 2 . 7/24/2013
Learning through real combat is always more entertaining than training! I got the feeling that shotaro gave in a little to easy with how much he originally wanted no part with the group. Although short the action was also well written and interesting but some of the explanation regarding the five natures went a little over my head, but that is probably due to me being dumb.
| cud-b-better chapter 1 . 7/24/2013
Hm, I'm not liking the main character too much at the moment due to his attitude. I'm hoping he is going to mellow out slightly as we go further in. The story itself though could be promising depending on where it goes from here.
| Lord Slayer chapter 1 . 7/23/2013
Not a bad start, though the plot feels really similar to D-Gray Man, with a dose of Shakugan no Shana thrown in. One of the most important aspects of a first chapter is the opportunity to demonstrate how your story is different from others of its kind.
| cmaej chapter 1 . 7/23/2013
Admittedly, it took a moment for Shotaro to grow on me. His "douchbag-ness" was a bit over the top. However, now that his apathy is explained, it's easier for me to bond with the character.
What I do like is that you chose a seasoned, old warrior to compliment the over-powered, inexperienced guy. It reminds me of a couple of my characters. Furthermore, I appreciate the realism portrayed when Shotaro denies the invitation to the Black Smile for the reasons he stated. Too many anime/manga-inspired characters simply jump the gun way too soon.
I'm sure that will be some tension between Shotaro and Takei, since Shotaro was seems to be forced into the Black Smile.
With the shattered attacking Tsubaki, does that mean she also has impetus?