|Reviews for Guns, Bullets and Loyalty (Season 1)|
| Snake333 chapter 29 . 12/2/2012
Hope you update soon :D can't wait for the finale.
| HidenoriET chapter 2 . 11/11/2012
Hmm another review again!
(Sorry, I read chapters very quickly, maybe because I like to read...a lot.)
Just to let you know, I have a habit of reviewing per chapter whenever I can to address some problems that I see from the story. Call it constructive feedbacks because I quite like stories like these a lot.
Organizations of 12 seems to be a really formidable group but when the fight started...I really thought they could put up a better fight. Sure, Creed will win. But make it look like a struggle, to show the intensity of how strong the Organizations of 12 are.
So for this chapter, I would say your highlight is the fight itself and you should really emphasize that.
Some words in your paragraphs are quite confusing.
'"So it's true. This man's precision is really lethal effects." Vexen said.' - You need to change the way it is said or it will sound off.
Anyway, I like the way you introduce them and also, I'm curious about the King and the purpose of the Assassins.
Keep it up! Great chapter!
| HidenoriET chapter 1 . 11/11/2012
Hello there fellow writer,
Was roaming the stories and found yours in particular on the first page. Well, I've only read the first chapter but I have to say that your character carries a sense of mystery around him. Described him rather sweetly, but I feel that you can elaborate better, like what is the striking thing about the Assassin when the people first saw him? (Like his attire or gun)
Next, you used a lot of capitals in your text. Based on what I know, caps in dialogue usually sounds silly. if you have anything that requires emphasis, try italic. Works wonders. *laughs*
Well, I will read on and see how this goes and if the plot's nice, I'll favorite it :) And I have a gut feeling that you are inspired to write this based on Assassin's Creed, no?
Cause I'm a huge FAN of it!
Keep on writing!
| Lynn K. Hollander chapter 1 . 11/7/2012
Some presentation problems:
"Are you ready?" One of the two cloaked men said
"I am." The other one replied.
"Vincenzo La Vitalia is a threat to the Republic and the ORGANIZATION. You must eliminate him immediately." He replied Punctuation problems. In dialogue tag sentences, like these, when what's said is immediately followed by who said it, a period is not used before the closing quotation marks. Nor is the first word following the quotation marks capitalized. More correctly, the three examples go like this: "Are you ready?" (NO CAPITAL LETTER) one of the two cloaked men said(PERIOD at the end of the dialogue tag sentence.)
"I am(COMMA)," (NO CAPITAL LETTER the other one replied.
"Vincenzo La Vitalia is a threat to the Republic and the ORGANIZATION. You must eliminate him immediately(COMMA)," (NO CAPITAL LETTER) he replied(PERIOD).
The man removed the cloak that he was wearing and his real self was now seen. He was dressed like an assassin and had two pistols at each hip. His face was still covered with a facemask in order to keep the secrecy of the task. -Here there are different problems: Two pistols at each hip is four pistols total. Is that was you meant? The mask does not keep the task/deed secret, it merely keeps the assassin's face hidden.
He was in luck because there were little sentries posted on where he was located. -I think what you mean here is 'few', not 'little'. 'Little' is usually about body size, while 'few' is about the small number of sentries.
The Guard shot him again and this time he parried with his own handgun. -Does Creed fire a bullet which deflects the guard's bullet? Or does the guard's bullet bounce off the pistol?
There are some spelling inconsistencies in addition to the goofs with the dialogue tag sentences.
| Topaz Miuki chapter 19 . 10/24/2012
Wow this story is really good, im surprised nobody has reviewed. Creed really should get together with jade they seem so cute together! X3