Reviews for Play Dates |
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![]() ![]() ![]() When I saw the title of the chapter, I was like what in the world is going to be in this chapter, lol. I like that the babies are Trey's. At least I'm hoping this means the babies are his. That would be horrible to find out that the children you thought were yours weren't. I mean I'd hope he'd still love them, since he loves Ash, but it'd make him and Julie's relationship worse. But only if Julie told him they weren't his. I like Kevin. He's so full of energy. I'm excited to see where this goes! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Oh, I really like this one! At first I wasn't so excited. I was just like, "It's like chapter two except stressful." But that stress led to such a realization, omigod, so visceral and crushing. It was amazing. It was what I was hoping for. And it's still depressing, because there's so little he can do. But as long as he's not deceiving himself, he can move forward. That's good. This story has such a sense of focus, compared to "More out of life". Everything feels like it has a point. There was something cool about the pointless scenes and details of "More out of life", but this shows you can work well in another context too. It feels tightly wound, dramatic, intense. Also, good job making me loath those two. Julie was a bad guy before, but I was just like "Well, Trey was asking for it, in a way." Now I'm just like, "You awful human being. I want you to suffer." Even more so with Greg. Well, maybe not as much. Comparably. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Wow! Another great chapter. No narration. I like it. If there's more narration in the future, I won't categorically reject it... I will take it as it comes... but this whole chapter where the only narration is seamlessly interwoven into the story is fantastic. It's a perfectly realized segment. I like that Frr... Fred... Kevin. I like that Kevin is super Christian, and I hope he has a total crisis when the inevitable homoerotic desire starts rolling out. It spices things up. And there isn't much in the way of a real exploration of faith here on FP, at least amongst the slash. I like how you veer towards pathos here and there, then pull it back. It keeps me on edge. Seeing Trey humiliated before Kevin will be sweet when it happens, but until then, a threat here and there will do. I don't know why I end up sounding like such a sadist... it's just that suffering is the core of any story. And I hope, when the time comes, you really let Trey have it. Make us all cry! I'd love that. Okay. Thanks for writing. |
![]() ![]() ![]() I just love Kevin's voice! So far I think you're writing him pretty well. I mean, I know how you usually don't do younger character like that, but he sounds like how me and my friends talk and we're only a couple years older than he is. I'm also always really interested when you bring religion into your writing. I'm atheist and grew up in a Wiccan family so it's basically as foreign to me as you can get. It's interesting in that way. I couldn't believe how short this chapter was! Since that's what you're aiming for, good job! Haha I think subconsciously I was expecting something much longer. (That's what she said.) I'm really interested to see where everything with Kevin goes. He seems like a really cool kid so far. Hearts, Maggie |
![]() ![]() ![]() Cool story bro! The whole tone of this thing is much different from "More out of life". I mean, even with many of the same details, like family life, annoying side-characters, SoCal suburbia, etc, it seems like we're in a completely different universe. Like if any of the characters from More out of life showed up, it would be jarring. I'm not a fan of that old hobby horse, "show don't tell", but I think this chapter could use a lot less tell and a lot more show. I mean, all of that narration in the beginning was essentially implied in the scene at the end. If you had started with that scene, we would have known about how Trey relates to his wife, how long they'd been together and why, how he feels about it all, and you could have added a bit about the girls so we understood that perfectly too. It's just that this narration doesn't have much interest on its own, it only matters in regards to the dramatic action that follows. So if it could be painlessly fused into that action... There's a story I typed up that I can send to you on DocX. It's a great example of how to put narration in a story. It's just a great story. Let me know if you'd like to read it. I also think it would be interesting to see you write a really short story - like, an entire story in 1000 words. If you're interested, read the first chapter of my story "I Was Meant To Hold Your Hand". It's like 1200 words, but could stand as a story on its own. I'm not saying I'm the greatest, but if I achieved anything, you could learn from that. I notice, again, you return to the theme of fatherhood. It really seems to matter to you. I'm very curious about how this intergenerational story is going to play out, in that regard. And as for masculinity, it's interesting to take as your protagonist a guy that is so highly emasculated, as you say. Castrato. I'm so very curious. I think this story has a lot of potential to be better than your last one. It has a more tightly wound style, and a highly dramatic premise as well. The characters and situations seem to be in greater focus than before. We have a lot to look forward to. |
![]() ![]() ![]() I managed to not scream when my email told me you'd ALREADY put out a new story. Damn girl. You beast. Can we talk for a minute about how insane your characterization is? It is completely ridiculous how good you are at it. And something about this...the amount of detail that goes into each person, their relationships, thier history, all in a short amount of time...it makes me think of JK Rowling's "A Casual Vacancy". (I haven't finished it yet but seriously. I am directly comparing this to that.) As its just the first chapter I don't really have a whole lot to say. I'm just gonna sit back and wait to see where you take us. Is it too soon to say I love it? Hearts, Maggie |
![]() ![]() ![]() I feel sorry for Trey. I also want to be like stand up for yourself! I think Julie picked Trey because she knew she could walk all over him. I hope Julie isn't based off of you because she seems like a very selfish person and I don't like her. |