Reviews for Empty
Animel chapter 1 . 12/29/2012
I really like this story. It is packed with that raw emotion of desire, and that horrible feeling of messing it up. I especially like the writing in the very beginning. A great description of the girl as he sees her, I love the line about her hands. Poor fellow. I just reviewed another of your stories, but I think this one is significantly better written. Really enjoyed it. Only small criticism is that the dialogue doesn't strike me as completely realistic or natural. Love the way her anger is like he imagined.
Kay Iscah chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
This reads a bit more like an outline than an actual story. If you want me to engage with this guy, I think it would help to actually take me through his process. Don't tell me he didn't mean to do it, take me blow by blow through the accident, so I feel his anticipation as he falls for this girl.

I'm not really sold on this being a traumatic enough of an event to make him a drunk for 15 years, reliving the same sad scenario.

If this is intended as a cautionary tale, as in "don't be this guy", then I'd be tempted to skip straight to the party, let him bungle it...then maybe focus a bit more on pulling the moral of the story out. Otherwise it's just sort of sad but not particularly interesting image of a drunk loser.

Also as authors we develop personal cliches that we need to look out for and break away from. For you any description of eyes as pools needs to be rethought and/or avoided.
A. Nonymous1234 chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
Same as your other piece of work I reviewed. I'm in love with it. You are a very beautiful and talented writer. Even though the ending is depressing, and the guy comes across as a flirtatious douchebag, you feel for him at the end. You see how he truly loved the girl. It's heartbreaking but beautiful. Applause, once again.
nickding chapter 1 . 10/25/2012
Wow. From your description, I half expected him to murder her. The added touch of Lori being a Lori, a person with a name and a face, really shows his three days unshaven sleazy nameless figure. That's how I pictured him, anyway.

Third person portrayed so well it gives that nice first person illusion, but while still being third person upon further inspection. Comforting, somehow.

"Practically salivating for her" shows his proper obsession. With some hint of future drunken desperation, but in a flashbackish way. Nice.

His cursy/ballsy anger over his want for her is tasty.

I root for him in the begining while watching his dire need for her, but was angry at him by the end. Tough to do that with a main character. Really liked it all.