|Reviews for The Hunt|
| not Ross chapter 1 . 10/30/2012
I'm wondering if you have turned this into your teacher yet - that is, if it was an assignment in the first place. There's substance (which is more than a lot of things can say, let me tell you), but I feel like it could be presented in a cleaner way.
It mainly has to do with your style and stuff. I try not to critique style too much, but there are some things you could do to make it flow better. Some of the sentences just feel awkward, mostly all for different reasons - if I, for example, knew you personally (haha) and could sit down with you and your paper, I'd point some of them out. In the second paragraph you switched verb tenses from past to present. Then you switched back to past, and then back to present - it was slightly confusing.
This next part depends on what exactly the assignment was, but as I am a big proponent for characters, I'd like to know a little bit more about the character as s/he is doing this. What is the significance of this hunt? Why bother writing about it at all? Why is it unusual? What distinguishes it from other hunting trips. And, out of curiosity, why did you decide to end it where you did? Seems like an odd place... I know some stories are supposed to be abrupt like that, but I feel like this really is just cut off in the middle of something (like a muse was busy singing away and then got creamed with a large watermelon or something).
Anyway, like I said, there's some good substance, but I think you could work on presentation. If it is for a class, I'd suggest sitting down with someone who you know is really good about the finer points of the craft and talk with them about various things. Good luck with whatever this is! Haha :)
| Ventracere chapter 1 . 10/30/2012
Good idea, just make sure you look out for mistakes like missing words, punctuation, and your verb tenses.
"No sound, random memories" - Here you drop a word perhaps? Are you saying there is no sound and no memories? Or are you saying that there is no sound, just random memories?
"I was confused but" - There should be a comma between "confused" and "but".
As this is your intro paragraph, try to put "I was in a cabin miles away from anyone else on a hunting trip in the mountains" closer to the beginning. That's just my preference, but it is up to you. Having that bit of information will be really helpful to the reader who is trying to capture the complete image of who, what, when, where, how, and why.
"Barely seeing the shape" - Barely able to see the shape?
"My feet stumble through the three foot" - "foot" should be "feet". Noun adjective agreement, plural.
"Sleep is persistent, and I finally give in to its demands" - Throughout the entire piece you have been using "was" and "had", so do the same here. "Is" should be was, "give" should be "gave"
"As I sit there" - comma after there.
This is a good piece of work, just make sure you are careful in those areas. Perhaps instead of telling the reader continuously how tired the narrator is, express it through different ways. Perhaps say how eyelids are drooping, feet are dragging in the snow, etc. The King, as he is referred to, express his aura (I guess) that makes the narrator awed, so struck enough to make him or her put his rifle back. Expand on his majestic stance and beauty to make the reader see what the narrator is seeing.
One last thing, your third paragraph is well written and eye-opening. I can see the images you are creating. The image that you are painting is clear and well described there. Good job!