|Reviews for The Night Goes On|
| Kurt Kyre chapter 1 . 11/1/2012
Not bad at all:) A simple story, with a setting that controls the characters movement. The antagonist's ability to stop time seems out of place. There could be a much simpler reason that they are trapped inside and no one could get to them... a huge storm brewing in the distance, for instance... downed power and telephone lines... Storm comes in fast, no time to get the kids anywhere but inside. They are trapped.
It reads kind of like a ghost story. The Mack character almost seems like a ghost... the way he seemed to appear and disappear. Maybe... maybe not... Stranger things can happen, right?
You might consider padding out the background of the mental institution a bit. The kids would know about it, and maybe even tell stories about it, which would feed on their fear as the go to work there. Changing it to a paid job would give the kids more than ample reason to challenge their fears, as well. (sometimes accidents can be happy ones.)
So, I see it like this... he kids go to work there... say they are just working outside the asylum, even in 1963 the wouldn't let kids work inside with dangerous patients... for the groundskeeper... they see the Alexander being brought in, and the groundskeeper tells them who the guy is, (keep the part about Heath hearing the voice in his head ( and that chilling laughter) at the beginning... sort of a creepy premonition...
The hide and seek thing is awesome... That is Alexander's hook. Everyone is locked in because of the storm... Alexander kills the guard with the keys, then the nurses and maybe some patients. He plays hide and KILL. You might consider drawing out the game a little bit... The kids initially hide together, then maybe get separated... opportunity for some good scares there, with lunatics running around and all.
The electric chair is a bit of a problem... too many things to hook up to get it to work properly, to finish off the bad guy... Mack helps them out there... having personal knowledge of electro shock therapy (even if he is a ghost... he might have died that way, hmmm?) He could show them how to set up a trap, say with a big metal tub full of water...?, common in hospitals and asylums like that...
A push, a splash...and throw the switch ZzzZZzZzzzAaaAAap!
The ending after that is fine. Having Alexander breathing on Heath's neck in the middle of the night was cool...
Anyway, I like the story! I hope you don't mind my kibitzing a little... keep up the good work!