I was looking at my fictionpress account and remembered this story. Just dropped by to say it was one of the best stoeries I read on this site and I hope you continue to write and update us of your whereabouts.

This is a very good story, good plot and good is different from the usual m/m stories in FP. I would love to read the continuation of this, so...Please, please, please... can you make my (our) wish come true?
I love the way you write.

This is a really good story, I hope you will continue with it! :-D

I really hope you will update this someday, because this is such a good story.

Please update soon. I love your writing.

A belated fulfilment of my requirement for the September Writing Contest. Dr Self Destruct donated his review to you. I like this chapter a lot, so picked it out to review.

Beginning: Gorgeous descriptions. When you use them, your descriptions are very elegant. The herb garden and water features do all contrast to the Medieval squalor of the surrounding city and we get to know more about Balasar this way too. He really is a fiercely practical person. I wonder what he would make of other examples of inefficiency.

Character and Dialogue: I like the way in which Oz and Balasar’s dialogue reveals a lot about them. It’s a good method, because the dialogue is easy to read and amusing as well. We get that the dynamic between them is that they have to let off a bit of steam now and then. I expect it is like a safety valve. So in contrast to Balasar’s fierce practicality and scorn of the supernatural, Oz really is superstitious. I appreciate the details of his baubles and jewellery. I would do them same as him if I could afford to.

I like how Jaleah rails against the primitive culture of this setting. It does seem like a rather foul place from what we’ve seen of it. Perhaps she has anger management issues and being the journey isn’t exactly soothing for her.

Setting: I greatly approve of how world building is worked into character interactions so that you never have to resort to conspicuous info dumps. Like the role of women in the hell-hole shown – it’s conveyed through Jaleah and Balasar’s banter which first and foremost is about the charaters. Even better, the way the topic of the pantheon is introduced when Balasar and Oz say their piece. Balasar has a point which can be related to reality – so many deities were reflections of the human condition – but the reveal about Versaai and Vhaki is enough to pique my curiosity – could they be real supernatural beings in your world?

Imagery: I would like to single out some of my favourite images. One is Jaleah’s likeness to a ticked cobra or questionably tempered bull. Despite not being a large woman, she certainly gives off a dangerous aura :p

Then there is the image of the goddess crudely carved into the black stone. I suppose I like it because it seems to inforce Balasar’s notion of the gods being warped projected images from their believers.

This story is amazing. Why the hell wasn't it continued?

I think I'm going to go backwards on this one...

Daja what the heck are you doing?! Actually, though, I appreciate that we're seeing more of his bold side. This gives him more depth than the mouse he has been currently presented as. Now we get to see what that he is more than willing to stand up for the people he loves. He's even going as far to confront someone who can easily snap him in half. I'm a bit sad that he's going as far as to suggest that he should be the one to do so, but it's sacrifice he is willing to make. I can't help but wonder if he's taking the gamble because he knows he has Balasar's protection? Anyway, I'm interested to see how Balasar and Iramond will react!

Okay, taking another step backwards, I'm intrigued by the scene between Ismene and Daja. Why is it that Ismene tells Daja about the scars on her back instead of Balasar. Perhaps she finds a similarity between herself and Daja? Anyways, now that we get to see a bit of her past, I find I like her a bit more. She's not as loud as Jaleah, but her words and conscience carry the same heavy weight as the other woman in Balasar's pack.

This chapter I found myself questioning Balasar a bit. When you note that he expects everyone to follow his orders because he is the leader and his orders should be followed. This has happened a couple of times before, but for me it still feels out of character for him. I think it's because I have the idea that Balasar is this considerate leader - but that's not exactly true. He still has orders to follow and he is a leader as well. For me it just felt that he was entitled and a bit arrogant, even though wasn't exactly portrayed as that previously.

Great chapter as always :)

Like an emaciated predator - that was a pretty statement.

I think this chapter was a little bit slower, though that served your purpose well. It allowed us to see more of the camp from an outsider's view. Daja is out of place here and without Balasar's introspection, we get to see the camp in a whole new light. This is a harrowing experience for him, but at the same time, we can see that these men aren't exactly heathens. They're rough, but they follow Balasar willingly, and what Balasar says, they do. He has not been hurt. Anyway, I liked that touch because we're not confined to one POV and we get all these different angles of the story. It broadens the view, so to speak.

I have to say my favorite scene was definitely the conversation Daja had with Asseo. It was honest, and though it wasn't that emotional, it was easy to pick out that that is a huge change between the two of them. Asseo is Daja's mentor, lover (?), and friend. And he's admitting that he is no master here in the desert, with these "heathens". And what's more, is that we find out that Daja might not have been chosen to die for the gods, considering he has been saved. And that's a huge turn considering it's coming from Asseo. What I liked most was now Daja can rest his mind on a bit of the guilt on how he was to die. We're turning a page here, and he might be a bit more willing to do as Balasar says, which furthers your plot.

Another thing I liked was your writing. It's so smooth, and there is never a jolt in the way you write. Despite all the metaphors and the rhetoric - which I sometimes find to be a drag - you make it work to your advantage. It doesn't drag the pace, and again, bolsters your work so that it's colorful and easy to imagine the scenes.

Thanks for the read!

Oh. The opening was completely different that I thought it would be. When it came to Asseo, I thought he would be aware of the experience he is going through, or would be feeling more than he did. I’m glad that he isn’t, and I like what you did here. It’s a nice surprise to see that Balasar didn’t necessarily go through with what he originally told Asseo he was going to do. I’m glad that Balasar listened to Jaleah (I think he did, or I might be reading this completely wrong, which by all means, correct me, hahah). Which goes to say that Balasar is kindhearted, and he does think through his actions first?

As for Asseo’s character, I’m not sure what I think of him. On one hand, I feel bad for him, on the other I’m not sure why he doesn’t run. He’s devoted to his god, for sure. He prays instead of running as soon as he can, and he doesn’t run immediately when Balasar gives him the chance. I can respect that and I think that’s what’s strong about his character. You show that he isn’t stupid, he’s moderately intelligent, and not completely blinded by his “love” for his god. Though, after this ordeal, I don’t know how much faith he will have in his god. OR, it might just grow more and more.

Scene: Ignore what I said in the opening about how he did go through the whole ordeal. While it’s depressing/alarming to see Asseo so frightened/punished for what he didn’t do, I think you characterized his actions well when he is confronted by Ira. Ira scares him, and I liked how Asseo scrambled back instead of confronting him. It’s realistic. Had he been able to stand up and face his tormentor, I would have said that was less realistic, but what you did here, describing his thoughts and his fears was great. He still has some bite in him. While Asseo does back down/is afraid of Ira, Daja takes the forefront of his mind during this time.

Ending: Again, I’m glad that Asseo stays true to himself. The last line, “Vhaki, my god, give me strength” encaptures his faith. I said at the beginning how Asseo would either lose his faith or put more in his god, and it seems like he went for the later. I like how he does. This isn’t enough to protect him, but it gives him piece of mind. And that piece of mind wraps up the chapter with his determination. The determination is something that I’m interested in seeing more of to be honest, and that’s what gives me the hook.

Thanks for the read!

Why do i prefer asseo and daja together? It just seems more... Natural. Id prefer to see daja rescuing asseo from the asshole who tried to rape him again. I kinda like reverse couples... So... I guess its just me and my army. Would be fun to see daja become the top. :)

Ohhh update please! I love this!

Fictionpress ate the original review that I had for this chapter T.T, so I'm sorry that this is a little shorter than the other ones I've got for you.

Your opening was a good lead in from the previous chapter. You had Daja fainting, and you open here with him waking up. It's a lot of description, which does slow down the chapter a bit, but it complements so well how he feels. You capture how waking up feels like for Daja, the dryness of the desert, and how he confuses it with Death. Death is something he was so prepared for, but what comes for him instead, is something different altogether.

Scenically, I like how Daja is so adamant with trying to protect Asseo. He attempts to bargain, so much, with his captor, even though he knows that he can't. That it won't do much. What surprises me the most is how Balasar does try to appease him and gives him a calming draught. Daja's desperation contrasts so heavily with Balasar's calm demeanor it's a bit like a clash. When the calming draught washes over Daja it's like the scene has closed that he's basically lost this battle, even though I know it's far from over, hahah.

So in a nutshell, what I had written was how I liked that Balasar two sides to him. He's obviously intrigued by Daja, enough so that he's going to save him from Asseo's fate. It's not so blatant where I'd be rolling my eyes. I liked what you did here, that Balasar is interested in Daja, his beauty, and curious. On the other hand, we see the other side of him. He's unyielding, willing to play with words and make "empty promises". I honestly didn't think that he would actually go through and let Asseo get picked apart by his men, but I guess that's where we see that he's a "heartless" leader with a bit more heart.

I also liked how he took in Oz and Jaleah's opinions. While he doesn't necessarily listen to Jaleah, it's obvious that he respects her. Again this gives us insight as to where Jaleah and Oz play. They're Balasar's "council" of sorts. He respects them, and they respect him for the most part. HEre, we get to see how Jaleah doesn't respect him for his actions, and she's not afraid to let him know what she thinks. That's respectable and that shows for both Balasar's and Jaleah's characters. Jaleah isn't afraid to speak out, she knows that Balasar respects her and trusts her to tell him what he's doing wrong. And that trust goes both ways. It gives them a depth of character that we wouldn't see otherwise.

As for the ending, it's not as much of a hook as the previous chapter, but I appreciate the significance the weather seems to play. "Overhead the sky roiled with clouds back as ink, but did not rain, and the air was impossibly still..." It promises ominous things to come, and I think that has something to say for the next chapter. It's like a little push to go on and see what's going to happen..

Thanks for the read!

I wonder if Balasar also has a mark upon his body, a mark that completes /ccompliments/ or somehow fits with Dajas mark?

Its interesting that Asseo recognizes the attraction between Balasar and Daja (dont bait him Daja... he is dangerous) even though Daja does not recognize what these feelings and reactions he experiences when he hears/sees (and im sure) smells Balasar - Daja is hyper aware of Balasar in a heart pounding, breath stealing, can't keep my eyes off you sorts way. I feel that Daja will never allow himself to be used by the men again - he has found something he is better at WEAPONRY! ! - I was totally blind sided by that -so cool - and maybe its just me but Daja flirts with Balasar in a such a settle sweet way - I can see Asseo noticing and informing him of this.