Cacophony? I haven’t had to look up a word on for a while. It’s a sign for sure. Geography’s not my best, so are these real places? If not, how did you come up with the names? This is the second story I’ve read within the last few days that’s so detailed. It’s intimidating how you have all these names and all these places already prepared. I can’t imagine how much time it took to get it just right. This makes me feel terribly lazy and makes me think I should spend more time on my stuff.

Anyway, when someone ‘insists’ you take a drink of an alcoholic beverage it’s best not too, so I’m glad Balasar stuck to his guns. It’s too soon to tell if the minister, Abdhi, means any harm, but even if it was just one line, he insisted. I’m wary of anyone totting drinks. Oh no, sacrifices are just no fun and I now officially love Abdhi, even if he does have his own personal ulterior motive. It’s gonna suck to be the Akan people, but at least they’ll have a chance to survive, something the boy would not have. It’s clear that Balasar is definitely the better man and his ability to barter is fantastic. I hope we find out which goddess temple he thrashed. I liked that little bit of information about how the sacrifice was trained in the art of pleasure, *rubs hands together evilly*

I felt for Daja’s situation almost instantly and the scenes with his masters were upsetting. Why does he need to know all these sexual things and even all the studying he’s had to do if his destiny is to die. It’s like a form of torture making him learn all these new experiences, having him gain all this knowledge only to tell him he’s gonna die shortly. It’s more horrendous then what Kaffir did to him, the jerk! They at least could have let him enjoy his last birthday before they took his childhood away from him. I am just pissed off! Aw, Asseo is so cute in his stumbling for the words to ask Daja for sex. While it was cute, at the same time it was almost disgusting that he was being so selfish. Daja clearly didn’t want to so I have mixed feelings about that situation. This is an amazing story so far. You’re details and descriptions are perfect, a little overwhelming at times, for me anyhow, but still very enjoyable.

Aaaahhhh, Another good chapter here.

You do a great job outlining Daja's world and the culture he is a part of. This religion (I can't remember what it is called) is both consistent and believable. It feels like something that could, would, or has existed in our world and not something with random names that you just made up on the fly. Little details about Daja shaving his head every seven days and the necessity for sandals at all points of the day except when sleeping, praying, and whatever else you said, lends tremendous impact to the nuances and intricacies of the religion, while implying many more.

The chapter was definitely sex focused, which was fine, but hearing about all of his "instructors" left me with a question. You mention that they are preparing him for any situation in the afterlife, yet all of the sexual masters seem to be men (I don't think you state the gender of all of them but that was the impression I got). I know it is a slash story and I know that a great many medieval cultures were male dominated, but if they really were preparing him for EVERYTHING in the afterlife wouldn't he have at least one female instructor? Or, hell, a female sex slave they brought in to work with him (if women cannot be ordained priests)?

Also, I understand that, being confined his whole life, he would be curious about the outside world, but IMO he was a little too open minded. If that had been his world for twenty years, the location of all of his living memories, he would be much more attached to it. Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but **generally** religions do a significantly better job at immersing young pupils into the mindset of the faith. Brainwashing, if you will. I can entirely believe that he has these nagging doubts, I just question the extent to which he has them.

As always, your dialogue is excellent and I can almost hear the accents bleeding through the words. Your characters sound precisely like I would imagine someone with their regional dialect to sound. It is believable and fluid and not once was I distracted from the rest of the writing.

Your descriptions are fantabulous and I really enjoyed the image of Daja swaying on the very edge of the tower, completely ambivalent as to whatever might happen. It left a good mental image in my mind. And then him almost falling off in surprise, also a good mental image.

Good writing as always...on to the next chapter.

Completely invested in Asseo. You managed to evoke all the right emotions without having to explicitly portray rape which was impressive. Excited about the plot - and that you updated so early!

Not Daja. 'Daja' was a young man that would soon no longer be. [As a suggestion, I think this line would be more punchy if it read, "Not Daja. 'Daja' was a young man, already dead." Because in the previous line Ramal calls him The Gift - so he already strips Daja of his name with his body. It becomes disconnected from thing/word, and so he's arguably already dead. Hopefully that makes sense. But that's just a suggestion!]

...collapse on the matt beneath him. [typo - mat?]

...arrow pierced its scull. [typo]

Plot - Great so far! Everything is carrying on as I expected it to. You'll see I mention a twist that I liked in the below paragraph (I don't know why I'm writing this one first). Anyway, this chapter was a lot of plot and I think that's a good thing because we've been waiting for this for awhile. But like I mentioned last chapter, your pacing is spot on with this story, I think you did a good job with you patience and it's worth it! I also liked that you waited to introduce Balasar until the end - but it also might've been cool of Daja saw him in the heat of battle earlier in the scene and got all infatuated, perhaps before Asseo pulls him away. But meh. My projections. I like it as is of course, too.

Opening - I think it's cool that the priests and everyone already knows about the plan to kidnap Daja - or at least that mercenaries were brewing to catch him. It makes me wonder in the opening if this is actually Balasar's group or not - and I think that's a good opening because it's an unexpected twist. Will Balasar actually show up and surprise them, merely using the other men as decoys? Or will he be outsmarted? Though since you know, this story is a story and goes beyond this chapter, I'm excited to see how Balasar may or may only half exceed in his Daja-heist. But anyway, I found your opening intriguing with a twist!

Character - Daja! Daja! I didn't think anything of him crying. Probably because I spend most of my time torturing Kit into tears in my own fiction, but hey! So I wouldn't worry bout the overdoing-it feeling. I believe his crying is 100% justified given the shit situation he's in and the action and death that happens around him in this chapter. The death scene was heartbreaking. I like how you handled it in the midst of the kidnapping. I also liked that you brought Asseo back into play - that surprised me, actually. I didn't expect to see him again. I liked his further development when he talked about how he was almost The Gift as well. That was another subtle twist to this foreshadowed situation that I think worked really well.

Enjoyment - I enjoyed this chapter, of course! All the fun action happens! Mostly I also enjoyed seeing Balasar and Daja finally together, and I think that's well deserved. I'm really really really interested to see how they interact with one another because they seem soooo different and seem to come from completely different lives. I'm also interested because Daja is well, duh, out, and I can't tell if Balasar is (like if he considers himself bi or something). But I think you have a foreseeable and doable (lawls) dynamic with Daja kind of being clueless and considering Balasar his new "master" that he must serve in the bedroom. That should be a fun upcoming scene if that dynamic is possible, hahaha. But anyway - more specifics on this chapter. I also enjoyed the language you used and the techniques you used to carry the action sequences in this chapter. The theme of "blood and smoke" worked really well throughout. You again impress me with world building I could never attempt, ha!

Oh, right! i just noticed. You upped the age of Daja, didn't you? I like this. Good move ;D

I think I'd like more of a page break as we transition into Balasar's perspective. Hit that up with some of ur o breaks!

Pacing - Concerning the topic of your author's note, I actually think this story has a really great pace so far because you've done a careful job doing set up. That's great. I would never have the patience for the kind of world building you're doing either. I'm kind of an impatient writer. You on the other hand, I think you establish everything at an acceptable measured pace that does justice for the story. Well done! I like that you've taken time to develop not only characters, but their relationships with one another.

Dialogue - I think my favorite conversation in this was between Isoba and Daja towards the end when they share their last moments together. It was sad, in a good way. I especially felt sad at Isoba's last line. I liked how you incorporated Daja's naivety into his own fear as well, plus how you played the dynamic of doubt within Isoba as a character. But at any rate - in the conversation between them, there was unsaid that was also said between them. Your use of body language and description was good here. I also liked the dialogue between Balasar and Ismeme too, but Isoba really stole the chapter, I think!

Ending - You do a really good job in this chapter with your last-scene lines, I think. I liked the first scene last line, and the last line of this chapter. Both of them were really snappy and they were given proper build up. I just thought I'd say something! Keep up the good wrap up work! ;D

Writing - Overall, your writing is clear and I enjoy reading it. Your descriptions are really well balanced with action and plot, which makes them not boring and your world building techniques even better. Daja's preparations for his sacrifice were well detailed and I got a clear visual with each garment placed on him. I envy your ability to tweak and create a religion of your own in this story, too. You give us just the right amount of new information and show us the rituals in such great ways that it integrates and keeps up with the story really well!

Now I'm definitely looking forward to this well-built up kidnapping ;D

So I decided to just review you for multi-depth, lawls. Hopefully that's okay, xD. Ah yes. I also updated my sexytyme stuff at like 4am and then found a crapton of cleaning up to do in the morning, xD. I relate to that author's note, lol.

Scene - THE SEX. Obviously. Gotta talk about it. Hmmm...I have to commend you for writing an entire scene without actually saying the words for the naughty bits, but I kind of missed that, I have to admit. I was just talking to Sica about this movement of romance writers who argue that using direct anatomy terms for sexual organs in sex scenes is more empowering because it also teaches the reader a things or two about the human body as well, and what can be done in sexual acts - I can see their argument in a certain light, I think. In regards to this scene, the only thing that I will admit is that I know little of M/M sexual relations and what is actually done in the bedroom. I got a little turned around in the language with the three fingers - haha, at first I thought he was fisting, but that was my misread (lol). It became clearer when I went back a second time. I just think you know, details might be your friend and if you could find a way to balance out some of that anatomy language with more implied language, that would be a good thing to strive for. Right now I feel it leans heavily towards implied and not enough anatomy.

Relationship - I really liked how you developed the relationship between Asseo and Daja in this chapter. I think this was a fantastic move because you've given Daja someone he can refer back to when he thinks of his past, and someone the reader will know as well. That relationship is good - and the technique to draw out another chapter illustrating their relationship was well justified, I think. Poor Asseo! I really got the sense that he was head over heels in love with clueless Daja, but I liked the development that Daja felt as though he was missing something and felt almost agitated that Asseo was treating him in such a bizarre way. His confusion/frustration was very evident and a strong point in this chapter for his development, I Think.

Setting - Great job with the opening setting descriptions and Daja's curiosity about the rest of his home that he'd never even had the chance to see. I got a very good image of what you were describing. I liked that Asseo's abode was very modest and I liked that Daja made comments about it. Good way to bring in the setting that also develops something about your world building as far as the priests and their characteristics. On another note conerning description, I like how you later tie in the setting to being comparable with Asseo's skin tone, and also Daja's.

Enjoyment - Overall, hey, I liked this chapter! I think it was wise to put this here at the start of the story and I think it was wise to illustrate Daja's relationship with Asseo and vis versa. Showing Asseo's attachement was good, and I think addressed some of the questions I had about doubting their religion there were posed in my last reading. I came away from this chapter feeling like Asseo doubted more than Daja though - Daja felt more certain of his duties here, but I also got the sense that he doesn't like them very much and doesn't kno why he doesn't like them, so I'm interested to continue to watch his development. Also, yay dreams! I'm guessing pale rider is an absolute foreshadow ;D Aslo - dream is justified, I think, since Daja has this weird spirituality about him. I think it shows that perhaps the fantastical beliefs of the gods, etc. are actually true, though - because the ending dream felt a lot like a premonition of sorts. Anyways, onward!

Lovely meeting Daja, you did well to convey his feelings and we got glimpses of his past too. I also really liked the fact this chapter began to shape the world for us, with concepts and places taking form. I'm interested to see more of Asseo next time, I didn't quite get a handle on his character here. Another nice chapter!

Beautiful exposition and crisp dialogue. I probably sound silly, but I thought that opening line of dialogue was genius, and hopefully sets the tone for the story to come. A lot of information here, but I think you did well to not dump it and rather space it through engaging dialogue. Great first chapter, will be favouriting!

For some reason that opening line really made me want to keep reading. I know the line could be seen as somewhat cliche but just something about it made me interested. I think it might be just how unexpected it was to see it in used in such a way.
I could honestly write a depth review on just the first few sentences. It might be that I haven't read FP stories in a while but this one really caught me. The description of the scene just made me care. Balasar isn't some who I know very well yet but I still feel a sort of need to know more about him. I really think you do a good job of using the setting to build your scene and it has me very interested in the beginning of the story.
I don't know how I feel about the story overall. The names and concepts will take some getting used to but I'm totally willing to read the next few chapters based on what I've read.
Balasar is sort of witty for my taste, but I'm sure the personality will wear on me. I think what I like best about him so far though is his disbelief. I wouldn't say it makes me feel like he has depth, but I would say that based on his situation it makes him more interesting. I also like his exchanges with the Minister, I think they give me a good idea of what's coming up in the future for their relationship.
Finally the concept of the Gift and the cycle is definitely interesting I think the pleasure line tips me off to who Balasar's partner will be but I'm not upset by the reveal so soon.
I liked this as a first chapter, I can't really complain about it. I'll be sure to read the next few chapters.

Right off the bat, I love the name Balasar. Maybe because I love the name Salisar or Salizar, but either way, it is a good name that rolls off the tongue and I approve. In fact, I like all the names so far. Bhepal, Surrhi, Abdhi. Very middle eastern sounding and I do love the middle east and it's cultures, especially during the middle ages (though, to be honest, I haven't read far enough yet to be able to tell if your story is set during said time period). Moving onward.

You do a fantastic job with your dialogue. I can play the whole scene so clearly in my mind. Abdhi's psuedo-wise arrogance, Balasar's quiet, speculative indifference.

It is ironic that your Middle Eastern based character scoffs at the westerner based character for not drinking, given the constraints of Islam regarding alcohol. A good touch though and one which I find highly entertaining. I have many Muslim friends and acquaintances.

I do so love it when writers create their own languages, especilly when they sound convincing and not just like random words the writer made up. You do an excellent job. Do you create the whole language before you start? Or do you make rules for it and create it as you go (as I do)? Or do you simply make up words that sound similar?

I like this "Gift," su Vhaki Balhia, it reminds me of the way Buddhist priests search for the Dalai Lama, only with your own, dark, delightfully twisted little alteration added to it. And it fits in perfectly with the culture you have created. I am impressed and equally delighted.

You said in one of your reviews on The Wind Dancer that you are envious of my writing, but I cannot, for the life of me, imagine why. Your writing is fantastic, I wish I hadn't dragged my feet so long in reading it. I really like this character Balasar. He is cold, cunning, intelligent, and devious, though not without some sense of morality (even if he chooses to ignore it). He is exactly the type of character I like to follow.

I looked for convention errors but could not find any, and there was little I would want to change based on this chapter alone. Your pacing was perfect. Your writing, though not overly flowery or flamboyant, was concise and a delight to read. Your characters were convincing. Your dialogue was excellent. If the rest of your chapters are as delightful as this one then I have eight more chapters of good entertainment awaiting me.

Well done.

-Infected.

damn they are fucked up for doin that n hope daja gets power over the wind to chop they balls off

Rule 10 Review:

I commend the emotions that you displayed in this chapter. Rape is never something that is easy to describe, although there are standard ‘emotions’ that come with it, ultimately everyone’s experience is different. I do feel a bit odd about Asseo at this point though. I understand that he is close with Daja, however he still was his master, would that not make their previous sexual encounters a type of rape? I understand that when you break it down it’s not the same but that scene still left me wondering. I like Asseo, don’t get me wrong, but still….

Daja is quite the prom king – everyone wants to be around him. I remember reading him for the first time and being dazzled by his personality, but I do feel like a bit of that spark has been lost in recent chapters. I’ve seen glimmers of chapter two Daja but not many. I’m really looking forward to seeing more Bas and Daja interaction, and maybe a bit of a triangle between Asseo/Bas/Daja. I do look forward to seeing what happens. Keep up the good work.

Much love,
Juliet.

I liked your descriptions and the set up of Daja and his world. We get an idea of his past as well as his relationship with Ramal which is great for the second chapter. The dialogue is as natural as ever.

However, I felt that some of your descriptions were more extravagant than they needed to be. You do this very well in the beginning and it's very poetic, but it loses its charm when used too frequently. Some descriptions can be cut down a little to be more concise. I do how poetic it is, just doesn't need to be used all the time in my opinion.

As usual, the characterization comes across very strongly in this chapter. Isoba gets his time in the limelight, so to speak, and we get to see him run through a variety of emotions - worry, sadness, resolution. It's all very realistic and believable, especially when it comes to certain events like how he resolved to follow his sense of duty, the way he changed after his family died, and how Daja was able to influence him unexpectedly. His dialogue is particularly fitting as well. In particular, I liked this line - "Go and return to them. I will catch up at the pace of an old man." It struck me as very characteristic speech. In less than half a chapter (aided by his earlier appearances in previous chapters), you've managed to create a very human character - in fact, I'd go so far as to say that Isoba is one of the best crafted characters so far, and he barely got any words dedicated to him.

I do question the intent behind your decision to do that, seeing as how the story should be leaving Isoba and the other priests behind after the kidnapping presumably succeeds. Is there a reason then to develop their characters? Of course, considering the amount of effort you've put into them, I would give you the benefit of the doubt and guess that the priests will eventually come back to play their role in the story. It only remains to be seen how and to what effect such a development will have.

I also feel that the scene where Daja is being prepared as the Gift stretches a little too long. It's a minor issue, but there isn't much that draws the reader in during that scene, and it lasts too long in such a case. It adds verisimilitude to the story, but the only real attraction is the strength of the description, and I don't think it's strong enough to carry that entire part by itself. Consider condensing it a little. It'd make it easier for readers.

I really enjoyed how you opened this chapter – with Daja thinking that *this* was death. Previously he was in the mindset to die, so I think it was perfectly placed here. I also liked how you showed Daja’s (I’m going to call it PTSD, even though that’s not exactly what it is) because he *was* in shock but I like the idea of his guilt as well.

I feel like there was a lot of stuff going on in this chapter, but all of it was needed. It did feel a bit limp at times, but nothing too slow. I liked that Asseo is alive, and in the same location as Daja. I’m a bit conflicted with Bas though. I would like to see more commentary on why he feels so conflicted. He is a multilayered character but so far I feel like you’ve only really given us glimpses and snapshots, ultimately by chapter eight I would like to understand him better than I do. I feel like he’s at odds with himself, but I also feel like you haven’t really told us why – or at least, the deeper whys, than what would normally be on the surface. Keep up the good work.

Much love,
Juliet.