Reviews for The God Slave (Prev: To Walk in the Wind)
borderlinecrazy chapter 7 . 1/20/2013
Well, Daja, whom has been a slave his whole life, and used by those whom 'train' him so that he can be a better slave when he's killed, is finally getting some sort of justice. Asseo, whom is the same age, and sort of feels for him but still used him (and only realized how much after he tried to have a romantic encounter, only to find it wasn't to Daja, to him it was just another rape - regardless of what they called it) is now about to become a slave himself. Good. Now he'll get to know just how horrid he's made thing on someone else, while being grateful it wasn't him.

I just hope Balasar is kind to Daja - he deserves something after the hell that has been his life so far.
Petals at dawn chapter 1 . 1/16/2013
I found your story through fallingstarawards. I'm loving it, you don't get to many good fantasies here from what I've found (or not found rather). Looking forward to reading more of it.
professional griefer chapter 7 . 1/15/2013
Only error I found (it made me laugh pretty hard): [Explains his feinting.] I do believe you mean fainting...:)
I really enjoyed Balasar's interactions with almost everyone this chapter, you do a really good job of showing how he interacts with different kinds of people, and you certainly made the dynamic interesting. And naturally, your dialogue is flawless.
I didn't like that moment where Balasar (to put it inelegantly) fangirled over Daja, though. It didn't feel too accurate or natural. I figure you're just setting the slash up, but it just didn't work for me.
I thought you could have used a bit more setting detail in this, the location didn't seem entirely clear, and I just pictured them in a wide open space.
But I have to try really hard to find things to criticize.
You are seriously, seriously awesome. I am very appreciative of everything you write, and I'm super-happy you joined the RG, else I wouldn't have found your stories.
Um, yeah...
Great work!
Chancer On The Scene chapter 1 . 1/14/2013
I can't even begin to adequately describe how much I enjoyed reading the chapter, more specifically the dialogue of the Minister. I found his character to be absolutely fascinating, and the diction within his speech was both empowering and consistent, leading to a great character. I think one of my favorite lines that speaks to this is: " 'I am hiring you to kidnap a boy,' the Minister corrected. 'What happens after is no part of the deal. I chose you because you do not believe in miracles, Mister Pandrigon. If you are half the man your reputation suggests, you make quite a show of how little you believe.' " Dialogue is definitely a strength within this chapter, and you do a good job at telling the story about this place in a way that allows a first time reader to follow the history in a way that seems vital for later comprehension.

I think the only thing that I would suggest is developing the character of Balasar a bit more, since I'm assuming he's the protagonist. Although we do get some insight into his thinking, and his interactions with the Minister do reveal a lot about his position in society, I almost feel as if I was unable to identify with him as much as I would like to. He just seems to be a figure who is supposed to complete a task rather than a man who we will be watching complete the task. I know it's a subtle thing, but I think it could be something that strengthens the piece as a whole. More lines such as ["Said the villain to the hero?" Balasar asked. "I think not, Minister." He pushed up from his perch against the wall, making to head for the door. "I'm no hero. I'm working for you, remember?"] are something that I think would be looked favorably upon, obviously to a point, that is.
professional griefer chapter 6 . 1/14/2013
Holy goat, I cannot tell you how happy I was when I saw Kaffir's name. It's like whenever you have a Zyric section. I freaked out.
Okay, I loved Kaffir. You set him up really well in previous chapters, building up anticipation (or at least, my anticipation) of his introduction, and you do not disappoint. He doesn't have to do much for me to get a good sense of his character and make him interesting. I genuinely am into him. Please, give me more...
I also really liked how you conveyed Daja's thirst in this chapter, the way you describe it makes me feel it too.
And Isoba's death was definitely not butchered-I loved that too. You made it really heartfelt and touching, and his last words made me cry and internally freak out because...just...oh my god.
I actually didn't care for Daja's reaction, though, because the minute after Isoba tells him to live longer, he wants to die. I got kinda mad at him for that. I know it's justified, but c'mon. After that he just seemed selfish.
I am officially totally in love with this story and pretty much everything you write.
Epic chapter.
(Okay, so, if you did a crossover between TCatT and this, you know that you would need to have Kaffir/Zyric, right? :))
Whirlymerle chapter 5 . 1/14/2013
[According to tradition to help 'speed his meeting'] I don't really like the use of single quotation mark here. I think your readers are aware "his meeting" is an euphemism without them, and the quotes, especially written from Isoba's perspective makes the ritual seem less legit.

I really, really liked the ending of Isoba's POV, I thought it was a beautiful sentence. Maybe you could even give a bit more details about Isoba's family at the beginning of the chapter to make the ending stick even more.
Whirlymerle chapter 4 . 1/14/2013
Damn that is one long sex scene. O_O I enjoyed it, because I thought the scene flowed really well. And I thought it didn't feel as long as it actually was, because a lot of the focus is on Daja's feelings and not just about the physical act of sex.

I don't know if you'd mentioned it and I missed it, but I would like to know what kind of lessons Asseo was responsible for teaching Daja. I thought it was interesting how he's naturally submissive, but you make it clear that Daja didn't need to learn to be dominant, so I'm just curious.

I enjoyed the setting of the bedroom. I thought I got a very good image of it. The fact that it's plainer because it's Asseo's private quarters made the scene more intimate and genuine (at least on Asseo's part), I think.
Whirlymerle chapter 3 . 1/14/2013
[He dodged to the side of fish wagon and narrowly avoided stepping on the stray cat] a or the fish wagon? Also I quite approve of Bala's avoiding stepping on the cat.

I really like the Oz's character. I think he's a great sidekick—a funny but also a smart one, if Bala can trust him. He also delivers some great lines; I especially like the one about how he says Bala believes in gods or otherwise he wouldn't go about ticking them off.

I was confused by the appearance of Jamiss. It threw me off a little how we see his horse and his back but behind Jaleah. All your characters seem to know him, but reading it, every mention of Jamiss was a bit unsettling, because the reader really doesn't.
Whirlymerle chapter 2 . 1/14/2013
Hey! This is for the RG Multichap EF. I thought I'd let that thread see 2013. :D

[Daja considered it a testament his love for said art] I could be reading it wrong, but shouldn't this be "testament of"?

[than he did gritting his teeth and baring through them in the bedroom] Do you mean "bearing"?

Great chapter! I like how the wind is like a character of its own and is constantly present in the scene. I thought the way it interacted with him showed how he's a character who's been brought up in a spiritual setting.

I like Daja's interaction with Asseo. I could totally feel their awkwardness, but it was also sort of sweet in a twisted way how Daja consents to have—I don't know what you'd call it…pity sex(?) with him, I thought.
professional griefer chapter 5 . 1/14/2013
Okay-what I didn't like in this chapter was the POV switch. I thought you could have had it as just Isoba this chapter and saved Balasar for the next. I thought it was long enough as it was. I also wasn't quite sure why having Isoba was entirely necessary, I thought it might be more interesting from Daja's.
What I did like was the detail you went into with the cleansing rituals. Not just that, but really, every little detail you use seems to be supporting the world. You do a great job of setting it up.
And as always, your dialogue is flawless:)
Great work, as per usual!
LuckycoolHawk9 chapter 1 . 1/10/2013
(Freebie)I like the characterziation of Balasar because it shows that he is not perfect, he has a fate flaw in his beliefs since he believes in nothing and displays no heroic qualities. I also liked how vindictive the minsiter is becuase it gives the story a sense of danger before it starts, that nothing in this story will come easy for any one. This is a nice and fun read!
Highway Unicorn chapter 7 . 1/2/2013
Howdy there! :D

Thought I should drop on by and give ya some reviews :DDDD

[Balasar frowned. "You think he'll attempt suicide."] That's actually a good deduction to add in. I'm glad you thought that up :) It really makes this piece more believable.

[He was beautiful.] And it begins. (O/3/O)

[«are going to rape you.»] :O ["Do try not to break him."] (OoO) ASSEO D: NOOOOOO. His bum D: I weep for it D:

[Ira's grin spread like a virus across his lips.] Nice simile. :D of now, I'm not the biggest fan of Balasar and his little group. Not as in your way of characterizing them, but in what they do, like kill priests. D: Balasar has an awesome personality and all, but he's kinda heartless (Not as much as the others though.) But that's just a good charater trait, isn't it? :D Ok, what i'm trying to say is I like Balasar, but not for the sole reason that he's one of the main love interests/main character. I like that you make him *real* by his rough/cruel actions, but I still dislike that he does that. CONFUSING, ISN'T IT? :D

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeee



Good chapter. A little shorter than usual, but still good. :D
XeeWrites chapter 1 . 12/27/2012
Ah, I always end up starting new stories and apologising too! How did Nanowrimo go?

I found the names Pandrigon and Balasar were a little off-putting at first. Due to their similarity, they seem like parodies of Pendragon and Balthazar, which are both popular names in fantasy. I found, if parody isn't your intention, the names a little... I'm not really sure how to explain it. Distracting, maybe? Unsophisticated in comparison to the rest of the story? A little silly? It's probably just my personal taste though.

Some of your wording also feels a little bit clumsy in your attempt to sound old-fashioned. For example, "After determining that his answer likely would not affect the outcome of their transaction either in his favor or otherwise, Balasar answered honestly", could be worded "After determining that his answer would likely not" or (better yet) "would not likely". I also wasn't sure whether or not "The slave offered up gilded tray littered with edibles." was worded like this intentionally? But for the most part, I found it very well written.

I do really love your dialogue. I think it's very natural and realistic, and tells us a lot about the characters. Usually I really dislike stories that open with a history lesson, but your characterisation here - particularly through the dialogue - keep it interesting and fun to read.

I think the most interesting part of this story was the idea of the Gift. I found the story well written up until this point, but this is where I became interested enough to consider subscribing. I've never read anything where human sacrifices are raised so specifically, and I think it's a very interesting idea. I'm very curious to see how you handle this new character - assuming we meet him - psychologically.

I also think you did a very good job on the flow. There's a good amount of everything - dialogue, wit, information - and you set up the plot nicely. I'm very interested in your plot, which is unusual for me here on fictionpress. I look forward to reading more c:
TequilaMockingbird19 chapter 1 . 12/27/2012
[ The bray of mules, cluck of chickens, whine of cats, and the constant tinkle and clack of belled carts and wagons.] I don't really think this is a sentence. Considering sentences need both a subject and predicate, I see only subject here, no predicates. I think it would work better if you ended your previous statement with semicolon.

[...Akan's other provinces. Crops, trade, minerals.] Same-ish issue. I think a colon would be more appropriate than a period in the 1st statement.

Although I think the scene itself paints a good picture, I find myself slightly confused. Confused in a sense that I'm not sure of when the story was set (modern or pre-contemporary) and because of so many foreign terms used. I think the chapter was a bit overloaded with those, making me a bit distracted from the story itself.

I think the ending is non-conclusive. Which is good in my book. I think it makes me want to read the next chapter, partially for clarity on the confusion I'm experiencing but mostly because I'm excited for the next one.
professional griefer chapter 4 . 12/26/2012
Wow, I have to say, this is the first time I genuinely haven't liked the plot of one of your chapters. I just...I feel like you were having too much fun with the sex to see that it's actually not all that interesting. I knew it was a Daja chapter, and I was looking forward to that, was a bit of a letdown, to be honest.
As always though, I love that even in your sex scenes you manage to get some worldbuilding in, again the whole atmosphere is gorgeous and thick with the culture of your world.
I'm still quite interested in Kaffir.
As important as sex scenes are (:P) I don't think they should take up whole chapters. I thought you should have tried to move the story forward a bit more.
Sorry if I sound overly cranky, I didn't have a great Christmas. I mean, your writing is beautiful, but I was disappointed.
I'm sure the next chapter will be awesome, though.
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