As far as conversation styles and basic outlines go, this first chapter follows a rather commonly used pattern. Two characters, one lord something-or-other, and some guy are striking a deal, etc. That's the only thing I didn't like about it-the fact that the conversation flow was too predictable. I'm not saying you should twist and turn so often that the reader gets confused, but I think a subtle change in the way the conversation progresses would bring about a deeper interest in the story-it would keep me wondering what path you were going to take next, and prevent me from guessing too far ahead.

Other than that, I really like this. It advances characterization of the, er, characters, and sets up the unique setting and background you have to the story.

So I love the first sentence here. It give excellent fore sight into the possible depths of this story, and how such a thing might be at the very core of the plot. It was rather hooking, but I literally floundered through the second paragraph. I felt it was jumbled full off too much info in the form of a list. I was thinking "market blah blah blah".
The dialog was rather fitting in this, and I liked the way it filled out the characters. It gave good contrast to what Abdhi wanted to portray, and what he potentially really was from Balasar's observations. It wasn't too thick or stiffing, but it really set the richness the man had while flowing well. The dialog also really fits the relationship that these two men have. It shows how each knows their place, and the power of that place.
Overall the writing was good and well structured. There very few places that it felt bulky, but even in most of those it was full of good information. I think over all you balanced the need to set the world and the plot in this new world with the need to keep it interesting.
The ending was quite perfect for this nearly dull conversation between men. It gave it this spark and life that I didn't realize was lacking until I read the end. It was perfectly done to hook into another chapter. it also gave us another good look into Balasar and what his power is in the relationship.
I think, considering I am expecting this to be a 100k long story, that you have good pace here. You give the needed info, and still keep us interested. As much as i feel that there were a place or two that dragged it wasn't unbearable.
I found this enjoyable, and will likely be reading more. I hope there will be more excitement to come, and we will get to see just what kind of man Balasar is. There were a few places that could be touched up, but this was really solid for a first draft of Nano!

Holy crap, this first chapter is incredible. It's almost something straight out of Aladdin and the Arabian Nights. I was hooked the moment I read the first sentence. Legends? No, I do not believe in legends, but they make great story telling potential.

The characters thus far are pretty cool. Balasar seems to me like a man grounded in reality. He may be a bit unscrupulous, but I like him. He's quick witted and drives a hard bargain. The minister is one of those people in high places that take advantage of others. I already hate his guts.

The writing flows really well. Each character's musings and thoughts seem to fit right in with the flow. Nothing feels too out of place in the prose and the third person perspective is consistent.

The vocabulary and descriptions are well done and vivid. I can see Balasar fingering his dagger with a sort of nervous impatience. I can see the Minister's subtle emotional changes. You do a very good job in these descriptions.

Can't wait for the next chapter!
Please write and update soon!
Katy

Just another one of your stories to love3 upload soon please, I'm absolutely in love with Dana.

'breezes cut up like nervous laughter.' - i really like this comparison :)

I liked this chapter. You could really see where Daja's thoughts where and really empasize with his desire to live and desire to explore. I feel sorry for him. It's like his entire life he hasn't really been given any freedom and whilst he wants to fulfill his duties he yearns for greater things just like the rest of us. The descriptions of the.. pleasure.. he had to give to his masters is disturbing but at the same time, you wrote it in a tasteful and discreet way. I applaud you for your modesty.

Overall, really good chapter again. I look forward to reading more :)

OMG! This was so beautifully written, that I can't even find the words. I love sensuality and innocence of this love scene. What was most interesting to me was the reversal roles between the dominant and submissive. I could see that by the Asseo giving himself over to Daja, his feeling went much deeper than a teacher/student and master/slave. I think that was endearing how nervous Daja was and wanting to take special care not hurt Asseo. I also liked then part where you could Asseo wanted to confess his feelings to Daja and did not see it as just another lesson. It made fond of Asseo and not see him as just another Master wanting to use Daja for his own pleasure. Wonder writing.

Whoah man, Vhaki seems like a total badass. Who knew weather powers could do so much?
So this chapter, what I really loved was your worldbuilding. It doesn't seem forced at all this time, it feels more like a natural conversation. And just, the vibes you give from their names and your descriptions are really vivid and I feel like I'm getting sucked into the world. (I was about to make a really bad joke involving the title but I decided not to.)
I also liked Jaleah, I feel like even though she has been around all that long you're starting to build her up fairly quickly and she feels like she could be rather well developed. (For a female character in one of your stories, that's impressive:P)
There were a few passages of dialogue where I felt like you weren't quite keeping with the tone of the story. I don't know, but your word choice seemed a bit off here and there. That was really the only thing I didn't like.
Great job, as usual.

Aaw, poor Asseo. I really hope that they will not be too harsh to him. And poor Daja as well, I wonder how he will react when he wakes up, can't wait.

Compelling. I loved every second of it. It was well written and it showed a lot of character development and the dialogue revealed a lot about their beliefs/ the place they live in. LOVED it. :D

Ahh! Asseo is still in the picture (yay!). It is interesting that Ira was so persistent about keeping him Nice chapter!

finally! realistic chapter, although I think letting Asseo live will cause trouble later on (unless he breaks)... but, that might be what you want... lol

Waited so long for this! I want more! Please?

My only criticism is how long it is, but even then, it's not a huge deal. I usually hate having to read excessively long stories but your first chapter was very, very intriguing and flows very well. I envy your writing style, you're very good at painting a picture with the way you write.

I really like your character, Balasar. He's rebellious, snarky - exactly what i like in a story. You need that one kind of bad character that despite how evil their actions may be, you can't help but enjoy it.

I loved the dialogue in the story. I felt like I could imagine this perfectly in my mind's eye. I loved the friendly banter and then, the threatening way the Minister spoke with Balasar without it affecting him. I really liked the way you 'showed' rather than 'told' with your character's reactions. You weren't straight out telling us how they felt, you were using their expressions, body language.

Over all, very well done. I legitimately look forward to reading more :)

GiveItTime :)

Hey again!

[A wind cantered in from the open air balcony to his left] I really liked this line. It adds energy to the piece, I think.

[soon to set sun looked like an orb of melting gold awash with a backdrop of blood] LOVED this, both for the aesthetics of the imagery and the way it acts as a foreboding foreshadowing as we learn more about your world

[the streams the flow from our mighty river] "streams that flow"?

[The slave offered up gilded tray littered with edibles.] "offered up a gilded tray"?

[a desert lion, coiled to pounce] I don't like the word choice "coiled." It makes me think of coiled springs and snakes, and I feel like lions are too stocky to coil, if that makes sense

[a smear of excess stained his mouth in the aftermath. Watching him wipe the surplus on an embroidered napkin—the embodiment of waste] I really love the first part and the idea of "excess" smeared on his mouth. I thought the "embodiment of waste" was a bit of overkill though. Instead, I feel like the idea would be a lot stronger if you went into more detail about the embroidery (thread color and design and the like), and maybe have Abdhi toss it aside or whatever to show the wasting that's going on.

The Gift. I really like how they refer to (I presume) Daja as the Gift. It works really well in dehumanizing him, I think.

[Is it true that you poisoned an entire bathhouse of senator's wives] I think you mean {senators'} unless it is one senator who has that many wives, in which case it would be better to make it "a senator's wife" or something.

["Said the villain to the hero?...I'm no hero."] I really like the way you assign these identity roles to your characters. However, this line sort of came out of nowhere for me. I honestly did not get the impression that Abdhi was particularly villainous (though I definitely got that he was a bit of a jackass) or Balasar heroic. So when Balasar followed with "I'm no hero," my reaction was "Well, whoever said you were?" Maybe if you have Abdhi mention in the beginning of the chapter about Balasar's heroicness, then this line, and the following comment about Balasar working for Abdhi—which I also really like— would be more powerful.

(Just a heads up, a lot of the suggestions in this review are likely the result of my being obscenely nitpicky.)

Anyway, I am extremely intrigued by the premise. I can't wait to see where it goes. Back to the heroes and villains thing, one of my favorite aspects of this chapter thus far is actually the fact that both your characters seem to be in a gray area as far as their moral stances are concerned. I mean, I feel like I can admire Abdhi for daring to provoke the god in his quest to reunite Akan. His motives kinda remind me of that of the emperor's in the movie Hero, which was criticized for being pro-totalitarianism, so I don't know if I should draw that comparison and say I appreciate what Abdhi's trying to do, haha. But my point is, it's nice to have a villainous character who's not evil for no good reason. Sorry about the tangent. Er hem.

I think the way Abdhi and Balasar acted, constantly calculating each other, was really well done and realistic. You portrayed their tense situation but seemingly informal/casual conversation really nicely.

Thanks for the excellent read!
Merle