|Reviews for The God Slave (Prev: To Walk in the Wind)|
| Ventracere chapter 1 . 6/16/2015
Hullo, hullo! Anywho, my first thought was Pendragon - from the name - interesting how the speaker is asking about legends :D yeah. okay. I'll stop right there. Onto the review!
Something that I definitely liked was your opening descriptions. You didn't hit your readers too hard with all these sensory details. What you do tell us of what is happening around Balasar is that enough that we have an idea, but too much that we're overwhelmed.
The pacing of the chapter was a little slow, but I appreciate how you give us an overview of the world that you've set this up in. Abdhi serves as a great way to carry across information to your reader - we get the same information that Balasar is receiving. It puts us right into the story, and we're right along with Balasar as he is accepting the "mission" of sorts.
Last thing I liked, are these lines "'Said the villain to the hero?' Balasar asked. 'I think not, Minister.' He pushed up from his perch against the wall, making to head for the door. 'I'm no hero. I'm working for you, remember?'" This cements the idea that he's aware of what he's doing, the mission he's taking on. In just some dialogue, you've alluded to the fact of just how aware Balasar is of himself. He knows what he's getting into, and where that puts him. It gives him a depth of character I wasn't expecting to see in the first chapter.
Thanks for the read!
| Hedonistic Opportunist chapter 13 . 6/16/2015
I hope I can make this review long, but there are so many things I can say, so many thing I *want* to say, but I still owe you a review 10, but I will also play this for the games, since I've been meaning to catch up. But - in a general sense - I think this is a lovely chapter: juicy in terms of plot, and wonderfully detailed in terms of background imagery and scenery that doesn't just serve the purpose of being pretty, but gives this story an atmosphere that straddles the line between being threatening (at the beginning) to hot and humid and heavy while the troupe resumes their travels. But I'll say more about that later :D
What I really, really loved about this chapter was the beginning paragraph about the air being so heavy and humid that everyone had trouble waking up. I have experienced those kind of mornings, and so the description was realistic and relatable. Moreover, I think it was a great starting ground for Balasar to be a bit sluggish and sort of dazed when he got up, making the later discovery so much worse. What I'm saying is that I liked how you set up the moment of his waking up, to seeing Jaleah there, drinking and telling him to go to church very well. You could kind of sense that something was wrong, but rather than playing up the melodrama, I think you build up this scene in a very quiet and realistic manner - I like that; it makes the pacing more natural. I also liked how Jaleah called Balasar 'Bala', since that - yet again - established how close they are to each other :3 I keep saying this, but I love how you play up the closeness of the cast - especially between Balasar and his closer companions. When Ozzrick came into the scene, I could again sense that he and Balasar were close. I liked how Oz was so quiet and serious and just told Balasar to see for himself, what was in the church...
And that church discovery scene, I must say, was honestly chilling. No, you didn't describe much, but I don't think it was necessary: what you did describe was to the point, grotesque and just vivid enough that you could a clear idea of what had happened/how horrifying the discovery was. I really liked that you used the sense of smell to pinpoint the state of the church, and the state of the corpses. It's horrible to think about, truly, but nothing is as clear, as vivid, as direct to a reader as smell (it's something we experience in our daily lives). Also, it was a great way of not simply relying on sight. I loved the follow up to the discovery: Oz and Balasar's conversations are becoming my favourite staple in this story, but this quiet, honest discourse on their part, especially on Oz's part showed a lot: how Oz is scared, how he's trying to warn Balasar, and how Balasar is, yet again, brushing him off. I feel this will backfire on Balasar, but yes, I love this scene for the sense of foreboding it gives me. I mean, it's somehow unsettling me, and I just enjoy those things :D It's kind of like later, in the story, I will be able to tell that this was a sort of early plot hint :D (...I'm tired, ignore me).
I really enjoyed Daja's scenes in this chapter, because we can, yet again, see how he's growing. This is especially evident in the scene where he's sort of cursing on his god and thinking back to Balasar's words; I like this scene, because I felt that he was further accepting his fate, and becoming even less of puppet :D That's really cool, and I also think you handled his thoughts quite well via the form of italics. I also loved the quieter moment, just as he woke up and considered how warm Asseo was. It was a ...very touching moment and so tenderly written; I loved it for that, because it made me remember how young those two are, and how much they have been through. It also brought to mind how Daja will have forever lost the luxury of enjoying such normalcy and innocence ): Poor Asseo too.
Honestly? Daja has so lost so much ):
Anyhow, I loved the moment where Jaleah popped up and healed Daja; it was a quiet moment, but I felt that it served a purpose, and I liked that it hinted at more interaction between Jaleah and Daja (and it was a great way to hint at Daja becoming interested in learning Balasar's tongue). I also think it was a great scene that served as a remainder of Daja's growth, and how he's becoming a survivor :D Also: I loved the scene where he told Balasar to burn the corpses; I also liked how he just knew what had happened at church. It shows how he's so intelligent and self-aware (also he did dream about this, if I recall correctly in earlier chapters ...). Honestly, there are a lot of scenes I loved in this chapter, but I just cannot comment on every single one ;_; But I feel that you are very good with those quiet moments - not only because you build up the characters well, but because you always seem to have the plot in mind too (and are building it up further).
I liked that you introduced a time-skip in this chapter that was short and sweet, but also introduced a few new developments; it helped pace the story a bit, and also was a natural way of showing how Daja is growing closer to Balasar's moment (I like that he's trying to learn their tongues, and is also remembering names; it definitely shows that he's wiling to adapt/has accepted that he has to stay with those people). I think you did a great job of showing Daja's intelligence by having him analyse the structure of this group, Moreover, I also thought it was a great way of informing the reader about the structure in a non-clunky manner; instead, it was very elegant and natural. I also kind of like how there are two fractions: between Balasar and Iramond. I sense a rivalry :D?
ALSO THE LAST PART. I like how you describe Iramond as a decent fighter. Still, he comes across as arrogant, and I love that this riles Daja up :D :D :D I further love how this leads to him challenging Iramond :D It makes for a great cliffhanger, and makes me want to read the next chapter pronto :)
| alltheeagles chapter 15 . 6/15/2015
Hmm, SS Dajeo has hit a dead calm and is temporarily not moving. It seems Daja is just feeling sorry for Asseo. Well, okay not exactly sorry but sympathetic, loyal etc, I’m just lazy to define it exactly. Anyway, I’m not going to rant at you about that. I’m fine with them not being a couple, it’s just that what you had presented of them so far was pointing that way so I followed the arrow. This ‘friendship’ (for lack of a better word) is good too. In fact, I like how you lead from ‘I don’t love him’ to ‘He loves you’ to ‘Dang, I don’t know what love is’ – it was so smoothly and organically done.
I like how Balasar is taking a more prominent role now, how he is opening up to Daja so to speak, by sharing his past. The overall plot is also moving with the connection between the goddess and the god, and I like that too because I’ve been so focused on the details of Dajeo and the travails of Asseo that at one point I think I forgot that this wasn’t a lemon, albeit an immensely entertaining and engrossing one. Hence the meltdown into fullblown fangirl mode.
Finally I don’t mind the underlying philosophy of what men do in the name of religion and the undeniable hypocrisy that can be found in some cases, but it’s not something I choose to think about a lot, so frankly, I hope you keep that down to what is absolutely necessary because I don’t want a lecture on morality, I want a LOVE STORY. But please, do ignore this tantrum and very selfish demand, and write the story the way you see it. I’m a pest...
Language: these seem like errors to me – forewent (foreGONE?), decomposure (DECOMPOSITION)
| Itsa Mia chapter 15 . 6/15/2015
I AM SO INTRIGUED
| Timbo Slice chapter 6 . 6/13/2015
I really liked the pacing of this chapter. It starts off deceptively slow with just the tiniest hint of impending danger only to have the scene explode in a fury of swords and blood. The action scene itself was wonderfully written and detailed enough as to not leave anything to the imagination while still keeping your vivid style intact, particularly with the descriptions of the mercenaries being so foreign to Daja.
I also liked how you pulled a kind of bait and switch in dealing with the death scene, as I was sure Asseo was about to be the one to die after his personable monologue to Daja, I kind of figured that as the end to his brief character arc. lol
And finally, Daja and Bala meet up! Can't wait to see their interactions with each other!
| alltheeagles chapter 14 . 6/9/2015
*Applause* What was that for? For the fight scene! Fight scenes bore me usually but this one was nice and brisk and to the point. Elegant even – you made it sound like a dance of some kind and the inclusion of the wind suggested something more was at work than mere training. So anyway, mightily impressed.
The other thing I like is that Daja is getting Bala’s attention through his fighting ability and not (merely) his prettiness and obvious carnal experience. It goes both ways too – Daja wanting to know how Bala thinks – and I think that’s a better foundation for a relationship than if they were all over each other from the word go. Incidentally Bala’s been portrayed as pretty straight so far, orientation-wise. Is that a significant point, I wonder? Is Daja going to ‘turn’ him, so to speak…
The ending was sweet (‘us’ – nice!) and serves as more wind in the sails of SS Dajeo (pun intended, not matter how bad…)
Nnnnnooooo! No more chapters...
| alltheeagles chapter 13 . 6/9/2015
I still don’t know if you’re doing this as a fantasy (taking the angry deity aspect further) or a ‘factual’ account (explain everything rationally) but I guess it doesn’t really matter at this point since we’ve been sidetracked into Daja and Asseo’s love(?) story. It will matter in the end, I suspect – if Bala gets cursed by the god or something, whose side will Daja be on? Assuming it’s still about Bala and Daja then and not Daja and Asseo.
I take back what I said about Isme’s wound being insignificant cause of the ‘foreign energy’ incident. Still no idea how far or how wide the plot gets, but if it’s of saga proportions, then I think Isme definitely has a larger role to play in future.
I like the latest development – Daja gets to show that he’s good for something else other than as a substitute for a woman. That should change the dynamics between him and the men. I hope Asseo gets a chance to show his stuff too. But wait he already did that in the fight and it didn’t impress anybody… wonder what’s going on.
Eeeeee I'm almost out of chapters to read! Arggh...
| alltheeagles chapter 12 . 6/7/2015
RG EF review
I was wrong – not Bala to the rescue but Asseo! Not that he did such a great job at that, but hey it’s the thought that counts. Right now I’m not so sure if Asseo did that out of a priest’s sense of outrage or if it’s personal, but he gets major points for trying. He’s rising fast in my like rankings, anyway.
I thought you’d hold off the rape but I guess it makes more sense for it to actually happen. It illustrates how little worth Daja gives himself, and also there is that flash of resistance in ‘I accomplished what I intended.’
The ending part was a good contrast to the madness. It made me feel all achy in the heart and now I’m definitely keeping SS Dajeo afloat. It’s interesting, really, how Daja and Asseo have become the centre of this story when it was presented as a Bala-focused piece in the summary but maybe this will change later. *GASP* You’re not going to… do something… to Asseo? To get him out of the way? Oh poorpoorpoor Asseo!
| alltheeagles chapter 11 . 6/7/2015
Nice balance here between the spookiness of the abandoned village and Isme’s story of how she got her scars. Not sure if this figures in the grand scheme or if it’s just an interesting anecdote. I’m thinking the latter, since GS (lazy to type out the whole title) is now shaping up to be an at-least- twice-around-the-park jog rather than a brisk walk around the block. There are at least two questions to answer after all: Will Bala keep Daja for himself, and will the prophesied destruction really come to be? Incidentally, I’m assuming that news of Daja’s snatching has spread already if the villagers are already panicking. Nobody mentioned it though…
That was a superb ending line. Ooh was the only thing that came to mind when I read it, but after I’d blinked a few times, I came to my senses and predicted that you wouldn’t carry through with it, based on the way you’ve been writing this. Instead, I’d say it’s about time Bala stepped in, and it’ll also be an indication of the degree and style of authority that Bala has over his underlings. Now let’s see if I read you correctly…
| alltheeagles chapter 10 . 6/7/2015
Ugh, who’s this blob of pity putty? Yes, I know he’s been conditioned all his life to obey and yes I know he’s just had his entire world destroyed. My point: I understand WHY he’s behaving this way but emotionally I don’t LIKE it. I want sparks and ‘Yes master’ spat out with a hiss not this… meek little slave girl. Okay, I’ll stop ranting here, and just conclude by saying that I hope he snaps out of this soon.
I have a thing for hurt/comfort too and that was a nice nod to it there in the Asseo-Daja reunion. Asseo is really shaping up as a major player in how he’s the source of doubt, so to speak, to Daja’s faith. That makes this piece a ‘thinking’ piece rather than an exercise in titillation, clappity-clap. Oh what the heck, I may as well launch my ship now: I hereby set sail on SS Dajeo! Unless you convince me that Bala is having second thoughts about his latest source of income.
Finally: the door breaking like brittle bones – nice line, that.
| alltheeagles chapter 9 . 6/7/2015
I’d thought that Asseo was a single-use character like Isoba and the others but now that it’s clear he isn’t, I’m glad he’s still around. He’s the reminder of who/what Daja is and while he’s still around I don’t think Daja will be so willing to have a happily ever after ending with Bala. Not sure how much more complication you plan to put in but hey, I’m along for the ride! Only I do hope you’re not gonna have a Asseo-Daja-Bala triangle cause I don’t like those.
On Asseo himself, he’s turning out to be a rounded character as well with clear motivations and internal conflict, and surprisingly likeable – if I were in a shipping mood I’d give him and Daja a shot. The only nitpicky thing I have to say is that he’s in amazingly good shape after a no-holds-barred gangbang. Unless you meant that they’re taking turns to have him – but then in the previous chapter it was implied that he was already public property? By Jaleah I think, going ballistic on Bala for allowing it.
| alltheeagles chapter 8 . 6/4/2015
I was expecting Daja to be all hysterical on the ‘I’m gonna kill myself right now’ scale. But I like this much calmer waking up scene. Daja’s acceptance of the fact that he was alive was not completely unrealistic because you’d already set up in earlier chapters how Daja had doubts about his fate.
Daja’s concern for Asseo was of course an Awww moment but I think you could have milked it a little more – I think Daja should have wondered what the vial contained, and spent a bit more time thinking what might be happening to Asseo, cause both of these would heighten the tension of the moment. Bonus: it’d show Bala that Asseo is important to Daja and that would be the seeds of jealousy. Yeah, yeah, I just want some fangirl UST…
Having said that, good on you for not describing the rape. I don’t mind really, so long as you make it clear that it’s not being glorified, but it’s a sensitive thing for a lot of people so I predict that if you had gone into details, no matter how subtle, it will draw you more flak than anything you’ve written so far.
| alltheeagles chapter 7 . 6/3/2015
Right, so this is the gut-reaction chapter. Well, it’s much shorter (but you know that already) but I think that’s not necessarily a shortcoming (haha, bad pun!) because it gives us breathing space after all that madness. I do like how you insert the moralizing (of sorts) – it sets up the question of whether Bala will get a guilt trip later over what he’s done.
The other interesting (wait, that should be INNNNNNNNNTERESTING) point is that you kept Asseo alive. Heh. Oh what a lot of mischief that could lead to. I hadn’t thought of him as being so small in size though based on your earlier descriptions. I had the impression he was a little larger than Daja. Maybe Daja’s small too. Hmm. Yeah it makes sense that Bala’s men would be larger than the priests on grounds of ethnicity really. Suddenly I get an image of hulking westerners and dainty easterners.
| alltheeagles chapter 6 . 6/3/2015
RG EF review
Oho! You’ve set up a skirmish! I thought it’d just be Daja languishing in the desert and then Bala swoops in and carries him off and he maybe thinks Bala is the god so gives in to him. I like this way too – it brings up different implications and possibilities as to the plot direction, but I’d have chickened out from it cause I can’t write action scenes. I did wonder how the plot was discovered, but that’s a VERY minor point.
I like how you surprised us with the attack, that was well done, the initial priming (Be alert! There’s a attack expected...) and then the slow talking with Asseo and then suddenly Wham! Action... Or well, suggested action anyway, haha... I should have expected that from you, really, based on your subtle lovemaking scenes. Anyway, it’s no skin off my nose cause action scenes bore me and I tend to skip them anyway.
And finally, in spite of what you said about taking so long to introduce the MCs to each other, I think it works here. You took time to show us how and why Isoba and Asseo and all the rest of them were important or significant to Daja, and that makes it all the more powerful when he loses them, as well as setting up for motifs of revenge and all that later.
| superninjamonkey10 chapter 3 . 6/3/2015
Nice! A woman, finally! It's interesting how different this culture is to ours...keep writing!