Reviews for The God Slave (Prev: To Walk in the Wind)
Unxious Custard chapter 2 . 7/12/2013
Some wonderful thoughts expressed here, and my only comment on the way you have expressed Daja's feelings is to dwell a little longer on the shameful dread. What exactly does he dread - is it the means, the method, the timing or what lies beyond? I warmed to Daja when he panicked over the loss of his shoes. This make him more human to us mortal readers, not born to be sacrificial lambs, and showed also that the depth of his torment was as much mental as it was physical. Some wonderful writing here.

I do hope you will return the review, with one of your own of my story Psychics v Terrorist. It has a very different style, with much more immediacy and tension in the plot line, but I love having a really good writer offer a review, because I learn so much from it.
Lolitroy chapter 1 . 5/15/2013
Nice setting :) It's not everyday you see something so built-up and different. I really liked it!

I also like you descriptions on it, like the first sentences when you mention "a smell of sweat and sand." That was amusing. I feel like I'm tasting the air in that area. The only thing regarding description is that I'd like to see how the characters look like, if you get it.

Explaining the story with dialogue was also a good idea. Sometimes, the story can get boring if everything is explained through narration.

Good work! And congrats on the almost 200 reviews!
GossamerSilverglow chapter 6 . 5/15/2013
You should update...
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 9 . 5/12/2013
Characters: Ah, poor Asseo. T.T I feel so bad for him. Not just because he's getting raped, but because he actually feels like he deserves this treatment. No, Asseo... I don't care what you've done in the past - no one deserves to be treated like this! D: Man, you're breaking my heart, Ani. T.T But at least he got to see Daja at the end there. I think this chapter really shows us the vulnerable feeling Asseo is going through right now, and while it might not push the plot forward, I think it's great characterization and that alone gives it enough reason to be here. Plus now I *really* want to know what's going to happen to Asseo as well. I cared about him last chapter, but I feel like I care about him a lot more now. I think it's because of the guilt he feels toward how he treated Daja in the past.

Dialogue: I really enjoy the conversation between Balasar and Asseo, when Balasar is telling Asseo to leave and hands him a canteen. I think you impart information through dialogue really naturally and organically (like when Asseo is talking about Daja and how he loves him). There's also a lot of emotion in the dialogue, which is great because you don't try to rely on really flowery speaker tags to show the reader what they should already be getting from the dialogue itself. So yeah, your dialogue is very crisp, easy to follow, each character has their own voice, and it's just generally really fun to read. You also has some really nice witticisms from Balasar in there that spice things up, like when Asseo asks how Daja is doing and Balasar says "better than you." Such an asshole, and although it's such an asshole comment and I feel so bad for Asseo i stilled laughed. ._.

Opening: I think you handle the mention of Asseo's rape in the beginning very tastefully. Like the author's note says, you don't go into anything that happened and yet you're still able to get across the magnitude and the transformation an experience like that can force onto another person. I think using that as the opening is really gripping, and I enjoy those beginning paragraphs where I get to sit and reflect on what Asseo's been through. I think it helps build up the sympathy I feel for him so that when I finally get to the part where he admits his guilt (for "raping" Daja in the past) I feel sorry for him instead of like, "Yeah, how does it feel?" because it reminds me just how horrible rape can be. I'm wondering if this experience will effect him in the future as well, or if it's something he'll be able to successfully suppress.

Enjoyment: Although there really isn't any action in these past three chapters, I think you still do a great job keeping my attention and keeping me entertained. It's definitely a mixture of the prose and the dialogue/character interactions. You do a great job making your character interactions interesting and gripping enough that I actually *care* to see what's going to happen to them next, which is really important. So yeah, usually it takes like blood and violence and a lot of raunchy humor to keep my attention, but you do it so easily with your conversations and character development. I've really enjoyed these past few chapters because I get to see more into the heads of the main characters, which is really important, because I feel like the build-up is necessary to help me believe any dramatic choices any of them might make in the near future. It really helps establish broaden and strengthen my borders of belief and acceptance for your character's choices.

Now that I'm all caught up, I hope you update soon! :)
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 8 . 5/12/2013
Beginning: I think it's really cool how you handle Daja being knocked out and going in and out of consciousness. I have a scene pretty soon that I'm going to write where Eric goes through the same thing, so reading this is giving me all sorts of ideas, and it's really nice to see how another writer handles it. It's always so hard to write when a character is blind-folded, I think, because as a writer (and reader) we rely so much on sight. But the way you handle the sense of touch and smell really helps fill in what we can't see, and I think it's a daring choice for you to tell this scene from Daja's perspective. I think this makes it all the more powerful, though, because Daja is obviously hurt and in a very fragile state. I like seeing how he thinks and his thoughts on death, and what exactly he thinks has happened to him as he slowly comes back to the world.

Theme: I think this conversation near the beginning of this chapter brings up a great point about your theme. Up until now Balasar has been slightly mysterious in his motivations as to why he resents the gods so much. For awhile I thought maybe something bad happened in his past as a result of religion or whatever, but now I see it's more centered inward (at least, that's what I gather from the information I know about him so far). I really like Balasar's attitude in the whole "you're the only person you can count on" because I really agree with him. I also hadn't yet thought to look at what Daja was doing - sacrificing himself so the gods don't destroy the world - as possibly nihilistic. But after what Balasar said to him, I can totally see it being thought of in such a way. It's pretty true...the way Daja thinks his death will save the world makes him sound like a type of nutty martyr, haha.

Technique: This is probably more about the writing, but I really enjoy this technique you have of bringing the setting into your descriptions and metaphors. Like when Daja's throat is parched, you use a lot of desert-like description, like dry, sandy, scratchy - everything I think of when I think of the desert. And then again at the end you mention the clouds holding their breath like they're about to scream - that's just such a beautiful line to end on. Again, you address the setting and use that description to create some wonderful tension. Although the plot and actions at the end of this chapter don't end in a cliff-hanger, that final line does a great job of making me want to keep reading.

Relationships: I'm glad we get some more interaction between Balasar and his men in this chapter. I think the way some of them differ in how they view Balasar's treatment of Asseo really says a lot about them. I really like that they're arguing over the cruelty of Asseo's fate - I think it shows that while they might be mercenaries or bandits, they're still people with opinions and consciences. I also like the interaction between Balasar and Daja in the beginning of this chapter. It's an interesting interaction, because it starts with Balasar helping Daja and giving him water, then it sort of transforms into this argument between them where Balasar turns more into an enemy than a friend. It'll be interesting to see how the relationship between the two of them unfolds. Even without that great ending tensions at the end of this chapter, I'd still want to read just to see that.
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 7 . 5/12/2013
Character: I really like this part near the beginning where Balasar kind of feels guilty for killing the priests because he realizes that this ritual of theirs is a ritual of "men" and not gods. But then he looks at Daja and his resolve is pretty steeled from thereon - I just think that's a really cool moment of character development that is short, sweet, and very noticeable. It's all about the subtext there, and I think you let the subtext deliver some brilliant facts about Balasar's personality. The fact he's so vengeful against the gods, and that he understands these people are just doing what they've grown up learning how to do, and that he feels sort of regretful (if even only for a moment) really adds a lot of depth to him. I think if Balasar does take a transformation through this story, that small scene right there is a great seed you've planted in the reader's heads to show them that, yes, Balasar does know what it's like to question his own actions, and he knows that what he does is rather unsavory.

Writing: Just like with previous chapters, you really have some beautiful descriptions. I think they really help to set the tone of the overall story, too. It's very...whimsical, almost. Very pretty, but you never stray into purple prose, which is extremely hard to do. I think it's because your metaphors and similes are always so unique and vivid, like the one about Daja's hair being like a section of sky selected because it doesn't have any stars. I love that description so much, you have no idea. It's probably because I love looking at pictures of galaxies and all that stuff, but still, very pretty and unique and very cool. You make everything so easy to picture.

Dialogue: I always love your dialogue. I think the dialogue at the end of this chapter is especially powerful, mainly because of the emotion behind it. Each character has such a unique voice, especially Balasar. You also do a great job with the body language, specifically on Asseo's part. Man, I feel so bad for him. It's been awhile since I read the previous chapter so I had forgotten about Asseo, so when I saw his name, I was like "Oh shit, it's Asseo!" And then I started feeling even worse because I know who he is and what they're going to do to him x.x I also think you end on a really nice dramatic line of dialogue, too. Leaves a lot of, what exactly is Balasar going to do to Daja? I'm sort of afraid to find out. Oh, and as mean as this might sound, I thought it was pretty funny when Ira was threatening to rape Asseo. I know that's horrible of me to say, but you get that devious tone across so well in what Ira says to Asseo. It's great.

Pacing: I think this is a really nice transition chapter to allow the reader some time to breathe. Now that all the fighting is over, you still don't let the pacing lag behind with a lack of action - I think you fill the action echoes really well with this situation between Balasar's men and Asseo. It creates some new tension and new questions so that although the battle is over, there's obviously a new part of the plot beginning. So yeah, I think you have a really nice overall pacing for the story in general - I feel like I know all these characters enough and care about them enough to really hunker down and get ready for the plot to move forward.
HellPup chapter 9 . 4/11/2013
I desperately want to find out where this is going, the characters are so tragically realistic, it breaks my heart. I nearly cried when you wrote the scene saying Asseo was being raped...and you mentioned from the bandit's POV that they slaughtered everyone, but never mentioned the other priests, if they got away, or in fact died, and I'm deadly curious as to what happened to them. If I recall correctly, the mean one (can't remember his name) was a really great swordsman right? And the other seemed like one as well, did they simply get overwhelmed by the numbers?

Anyways, I will greatly anticipate the next chapter! :3
DeaD-VoRTeX chapter 3 . 3/28/2013
Again, cool chapter. I definitely think one of your strong points is building up images and rich descriptions of places and people's actions, particularly in the sensory imagery of the marketplace. I've fallen in love with your setting... It reminds me of a book I'm reading at the moment, which takes place in a similar environment. I also think you've done a good job of separating the city atmosphere from the of the desert with Daja, as the latter is altogether a lot more tranquil and calm, despite being in the same region as the other.
One thing I'm a little confused about, however, is whether Balasar is a foreigner to the city or not. You depict him working in a shop at the beginning, but his men are outlanders. I'm sure it'll be explained later on, or it's just me missing a line, though.
Hmm, I have a feeling chapter four may be awkward... Okay, I shall review as soon as I can. Keep up the awesome story!
Adrenalin chapter 9 . 3/28/2013
This chapter from Asseo's PoV feels very similar to Daja's in the previous one, with the character waking up and taking some time to realize where they are and what happened to them, and also their inetraction with Balasar. The best thing about it is that it shows in a pretty obvious way the difference in their treatments and the value Balasar considers they have. I found it interesting that both of them turn back to their God at the end of their chapters.

As a character, Asseo definitely benefited from this chapter in my appreciation of him. I wasn't really convinced by him as a priest, or as a potential lover for Daja, but now I've started to change my mind. His resilience and the choice he makes to stay near Daja, despite the consequences to himself, shows great strength of character.

I thought his refusing Balasar's offer to escape was a bit stupid, though. Why couldn't he just go to the next town, save himself, use his status as priest to gain supplies (the cult of Vhaki seems to be pretty strong in the desert, probably even more now that the rain is about to return), and then follow the caravan from afar?

["I am many things," Balasar replied, "but a liar isn't one of them. Not that I expect you to believe me."]
I don't know if you intend this to be true, but that's not very convincing. First off, Balasar did lie to Daja in the previous chapter, about not hurting Asseo - stretching the truth so far and playing with words is lying, he must realize that. And also, a mercenary who doesn't lie? I doubt he would get that much work. Even bargaining involves some amount of lying.

Concerning the rape aspect of this chapter, I thought you handled it very well, representing the horror but without dwelling too much on it or trying to enhance it.
DeaD-VoRTeX chapter 2 . 3/27/2013
I guess this was the MxM you were referring to? XD
Poor Daja... He seems like a really sweet character. The way you've set him up makes him seem like a caged bird (cheesy, I know, but it's the impression I got), particularly when you were talking about the maps. I pare specially like the way you managed to give him such a strong inner voice and a revealing monologue that lasted most of the chapter - it really established his character and kept a nice pace.
...And then he gets raped by priests every night.
That added an interesting then to the story... It really made me pity him, as it they were violating his innocence.
Keep it up! I take it the third chapter returns to Bhepal.
DeaD-VoRTeX chapter 1 . 3/27/2013
Yay! I finally got round to reviewing your story! :D Sorry it's been a couple of days - I hope to be more regular in the future, though you'll have to bear with me. ' I'm quite slow.
Anyway, onto the actual story.
I loved it. Your writing style is detailed in that it creates solid images, particularly with the sounds of the market at the beginning, but isn't waterlogged with description. The sentences are structured nicely, too. I just had to pick out one phrase... "Then, with the disconcerting immediacy of sliding on a mask, Abdhi's expression cooled." I absolutely love this line - forgive me for over-analysing the writing, as I usually do, but it makes Abdhi seem very two-faced and sly, as well as a person who hides behind his public image to get by, which is the image you wanted to create, isn't it?
Another thing that I particularly enjoyed was the geography you've included in your setting: I'm really not a fan of books that create areas on a large scale, but then put in nothing as to how they work. I've done the same in my own story. I just think the actual plot flows better when the setting fits together better. Like Skyrim, with all the holds and the administrative forces, as well as all the resistance groups... Sorry, I'm waffling.
Before I finish, I would just like to congratulate you on your choice of names. It sounds very Middle-Eastern, and they all fit in well with the setting you've created. Sometimes, the names of characters can be all over the place, which is acceptable for a fantasy book, but in yours, which seems to be slightly more realistic, it works better to establish a solid atmosphere through your place and character names.
You've set this up to be a fantastic read, judging from your beginning - I'll be checking out the second chapter soon.
Sombrette chapter 3 . 3/25/2013
So, lots of good world building in this chapter. Your detail is awesome, this chapter just reminded me of that fact. The little trek through the marketplace(I'm pretty sure it was a marketplace...) added a lot of rich description, with the smells— but mostly the sounds— you continued to emphasis while they made their way through was really nice to read. It's very close to seeing these images just lain out in front of us, so close ;) Something I admire.

I also really enjoyed the introduction of Oz, he has the proper 'sidekick' persona and his actions toward Balasar are reasonable and believable. How it was mentioned that he looks after Balasar's needs, since Bala couldn't be bothered by them was what gave me that impression. I like him as a character, he seems quirky with his trinkets and the description given to him was good as well.

[...waiting with a dubious look on his face and a curious glint in his eye that he did his best to mask{ }Ozzrick shuffled through his newest jumble of trinkets...] - This section seemed off. I looks like their should be a period there or something like 'as' between 'mask' and 'Ozzrick'.

This chapter also hints at a bunch of history your world contains and all of it's really intriguing. How you present it as well is nice because it's not done in a boring manner that would make me want to skim, it's blended in with the dialogue which makes it much more interesting in my opinion.

I enjoyed the talk about Balasar's thoughts regarding gods, and I'm interested to find out what happened in his past that caused him to have such a sour attitude towards them. Apparently he goes around pissing them off on purpose so...something must have happened. I also liked Jaleah's plight with being a woman and the culture differences showing through here, women not allowed to walk in the sun unless they're holy? That has me curious.

Another good chapter :)
Elaine Riggins chapter 3 . 3/24/2013
Okay, Vhaki is a male god. Now I understand the previous chapter having all male trainers.
Here you give good descriptions of both the surroundings and the characters. Loved Oz having all that jewelry on! His interactions with Balasar give a great illustration of how close these 2 men are. Excellent how you used the description of the surroundings to also give us an insight to Balasar's character.
I like how you make good use of this chapter to not only introduce the characters but also give us the history of the local gods thus the title. Here you show how brazen Balasar is to go against such a formidable god and also the parallels he has to the human that Vhaki once was for he also defined the gods of his time.
Your grammar is very well done! Again I don't see any errors.
So far all of the characters come across as interesting giving a realism to the story.
Elaine Riggins chapter 2 . 3/24/2013
The description of the temple is very well done! You give enough info so that the reader can see the surroundings. You have a way with words that is almost poetic!
It was also enjoyable to have Daja mulling over why gods would be turning to him for input on matters. Is this giving a suggestion that he is questioning his faith?
Daja's character is presented clearly. How he is of 2 minds about his role while still being obedient it. The descriptions of his pleasure training is presented without being pornographic. I was curious as to why all of his pleasure trainers were male or is Vhaki a male god?
I would like to have more descriptions of the physical appearance of Daja and perhaps some of the other characters mentioned. as well.
You give a hint about the wind and Daja. Makes me wonder if he has a certain power or if perhaps Vhaki is using it to touch his chosen one.
Elaine Riggins chapter 1 . 3/24/2013
Loved the exotic scene description! I can see myself in the room with the 2 men. Perhaps to enhance you could add descriptions of the furnishings and decor in the room. Not necessary though. Since this is taking place in a world of your creation you do well with listings the names and giving just enough of the social structure for this world! The under class/upper class struggle is well explained.
I get a good feel for the characters of both the men! Would like to read more of how they look. Color of hair, etc.
Grammar is not my strong subject but I personally didn't find any obvious mistakes.
Loved the almost poetic wording you used as you describe the city! The opening is intriguing enough I want to continue reading!
Very excellent story plot! Original and different! Enjoyed how the Minister, who appears to be accustom to being in control, has the tables turned on him by Balasar! Good work!
288 | « Prev Page 1 .. 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 17 .. Last Next »