Reviews for Outside Your Window
Kenna-Kat11 chapter 2 . 2/28/2013
Wow that was intense, I'm just as confused as Brandon. It kind of seems like he is addicted to the game or on drugs or both haha. Now I'm really interested to see how this plays out

E
Kenna-Kat11 chapter 1 . 2/25/2013
This seems interesting so far. There's enough that the reader knows what it going on and just enough mystery that keeps them wanting to read on and find out what happens. The chapter flows pretty well too. I look forward to seeing how this continues. Happy Writing!

E
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 2 . 12/9/2012
I don't know what to make of this chapter as much. As promised you definitely turned down a different path than I expected; away from the emotional but easy-to-relate-to complexities of relationships into...someplace else, teetering between spiritual and supernatural I suppose?

It makes me wonder what message is trying to be put across. While I liked the first chapter for its balance between religion and agnosticism/atheism, I'm a little iffy about this if only because it feels a little like the theme of it could be "atheists need to be taught the error of their ways" and I can't really get behind that. As long as it sticks within the realm of "respect others as you would want them to respect you" and "appreciate what you have" "be willing to fight for what's important", then it'll definitely have something going for it in my mind.

Right now I feel like it's kind of walking that line. But maybe that's just the wildness that is NaNo. I will say I have no predictions now as to where this might head - it could go anywhere. :) (Not a bad thing.)

- Moonstar
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 12/5/2012
I like the way you open it. It sets up a very personal, specific image of the girl we're dealing with as well as already presenting something that's important to her. I also really like this line: [He knew the only reason she wore it was to piss him off.] It caught me off guard, but again, instantly gave a strong impression of who he is by contrast.

I think you handled the tone well throughout the chapter. Both halves, each in their own way, are personal and true-to-life in ways that really drag the reader into the experiences of the characters. The second half was especially jarring for me since Brandon reminds me a lot of my ex-boyfriend in ways that make my chest hurt.

All in all a very nice job, especially for something written as "on the fly" as NaNo requires.

- Moonstar
Fading-Scream chapter 8 . 11/27/2012
Still brilliant writing... But I feel like it's dragging now. You need to have something to recapture your readers attention.
Xxx
Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 11/27/2012
Hi from Roadhouse! :D

I like where this is going. I really like it since it's from the pov of the person who seems to be the main reason the relationship failed. Usually with break up stories, it's always about how heartbroken and jaded the girl is, but this is totally different, and I like the spin of it. :)

Brandon seems like a typicaly normal guy, which is good. Your characters are very believable/realistic, like for expample, the girl and her cross. She was radiating with emotion, and simple things like grasphing the cross helps show this in a realistic manner. It shows that she is human, with human actions. And I like the idea of her turning to faith, yet at the same time wishing for the spice in the relationship they once had. And for the briefest second, it seemed like everything was going to go through, that things were going to be alright.

But then two months passed and everything seems to have gone down for the worst for Brandon. That was a nice twist that helps keep the readers interested. :) So far the plot line, diction, imagery, emotions, and characters are great. Keep up the good work!
Deserthawk chapter 1 . 11/25/2012
Hey, just read this and thought I'd leave a random review.
I thought it was well-written. It's weird, I usually don't like romance (it was the sci-fi that drew me in, have to admit). So it was little hard for me to get through the intro (but totally not your fault). But it seems necessary, espec if she's going to be a character in the future ... not to engage in crazy speculation.
I'm curious to see where this is going, especially with the game aspect of it. Maybe he's going to get 'sucked in' somehow?
Good work :)
Fading-Scream chapter 6 . 11/19/2012
Heya :) I'm actually really enjoying Brandon's progress as a character and I couldn't stop reading (which was good since I had a bit to catch up on). My only critique would be regarding the second and third chapters... They just seemed a bit disjointed and didn't flow into the rest of the story which made it difficult to follow. Looking forward to your next installment.
xXx
YasuRan chapter 5 . 11/17/2012
Well, things have taken a surprisingly new twist. It seems that Brandon's been sent into the future where he's struck it big as a financial whiz kid? Interesting. I'm wondering how the ex-girlfriend will figure into this strange, possibly dangerous new world or if she's played a part at all in his future. Though it looks like Brandon's on his own for the moment. I have to say that the transitions between the switches in time felt rather erratic and were a bit confusing to follow, but I'm assuming these'll be ironed out during the editing process.

On the plus side, this future setting intrigues me. What on earth has caused this destruction? The presence of masks and medics make me think of a post-apocalyptic scenario similar to a Resident Evil movie, though I'd like to see your unique twist on things. Keep it up :)
YasuRan chapter 3 . 11/11/2012
An exciting premise, to be sure. I can relate to a lot of the things Brandon experiences, such as feeling more connected to his online past-times than the real world and his confusion on experiencing heartbreak. I also appreciate that you gave the girlfriend some backstory before continuing onto the break up scene. I felt it made their relationship seem more balanced, with understandable hurt on both sides and seeing what different worlds they each come from.

What I've read so far makes for a great draft. I love the idea of time-travel as a plot device used in conjunction in making sense of relationships. I'm wondering how that's going to pan out, especially given some of the 'angels' possess a sadistic streak, making Brandon endure all that time period hopping XD. I'm guessing that these past events are all going to be connected with him making sense of the remnants of the love he once shared with his girlfriend or at least of who he is as a real-life person, rather than an online entity. I'm really looking forward to reading more :)
Fading-Scream chapter 1 . 11/4/2012
So far pretty alluring. A few minor grammatical errors but nothing too major. I did feel like Brandon is quite a weak character though... So you may want to look at strengthening who he is.
Looking forward to reading more. :)