|Reviews for My Love, Hated Luna|
| kaitlin1198 chapter 8 . 11/12/2012
i like it, it is very good.
| Ashley Ayoub chapter 8 . 11/12/2012
love the chapter, i can't wait for the next update.
| GraceSaader chapter 1 . 11/12/2012
how did I know that this was a twelve year old attempting to write a story? You used the word 'slut' to insult the protagonist's enemy. How juvenile. Try describing her things like 'evil snake' or other things that are stronger. Using terms like 'slut' and 'bitch' are so common that they don't even feel like they're insults.
To me, the problem with this story is that it is plain, you're not using the correct terms - they're, there, their- and you have an issue with keeping a tense- are you writing in past, present or future tense?
How do I not make my work plain? Well that can be easily achieved!
use a variety of short and long sentences- these help to change the pace of the story. You see. It's quite easy. All you have to do is figure out where it needs to be used. Usually in scary or dramatic scenes.
Your character is 15 in this scene, right? Make her appear to be just that. Your writing seems to formal and it reads like 'i went to the shops, want me to tell you how?' Nobody wants that. Make her personality appear within the text. Is she funny? I bet she's got spunk inside of her- spunk to me means a dangerous funny bright girl and not 'shit'... Well hopefully you understand that.
'Show' how character's speak. Is the character 'brushing away specks of dirt from their trousers as they mumble'? An alpha has a strong authoritive* voice, correct? So you'd want to highlight that. 'His voice like lighting strong and... ' Tension may arise between the inexperienced alpha and the experienced alpha, correct? They would feel uneasy with each other's presense and immediately rid themselves of each other... Well that's how I assume it'd be.
Your protagonist is a warrior. Does she act like a normal girl? Would she really care if some measly little thing would bully her? No. She'd be indifferent. That's how they're usually portrayed, unless you're showing us a slightly more dramatic, emotional wreck. Oh gosh, I hate it when I get like this during reviews, I apologise if I'm hurting any of your feelings...
Anyway. Catch your main characters light. She is tough and spirited, so there's going to be tension between her and the alpha. Does she answer to authority? Or does she do her own thing?
I'll let you think about all this info I gave you... Don't come back to bite me if you don't like the review. I'm only a internet user, your words of distraught are best kept to yourself.
| x L0ST IN DR3AMS x chapter 8 . 11/12/2012
Awwww, why Rosa gotta leave?
And poor Mikey. Be making me sad, bro.
| x L0ST IN DR3AMS x chapter 5 . 11/10/2012
This is your Nanowrimo story...
I love it!
Especially that whole part in Landon's point of view.
So I'm like officially stalking you.
And this story :p
| Ashley Ayoub chapter 1 . 11/7/2012
damn her mother i bitch