|Reviews for (first draft) Apoptosis|
| Hunter of the Wicked chapter 3 . 12/21/2012
This is for the Prologue but it will not allow me to post it.
I like this story because of how it flows. I like this story because of how it paints a picture in my head while I read. I dislike some of the character deaths why because they did not even have a chance to fight back. I dislike the assassin because of the way he thinks typically assassins are pretty cold in personality
| Ark Kuchiki chapter 1 . 12/21/2012
Sorry about guest review Internet problems. I like this story because of how it flows. I like this story because of how it paints a picture in my head while I read
| Hunter of the Wicked chapter 1 . 12/20/2012
I like story because of its constant flow.
I like how the story paints a picture in my head.
I enjoy the idea.
And just to say I prefer story's with POV's (Point Of View) Please disregard if you don't care
| Flame Within Ice chapter 1 . 12/19/2012
Amazing opening sentence. Actually, the whole prologue is really good. Questions immediately come up-who is the priestess? who is this person that's trying to kill her and take her soul? These prompt the reader to keep reading so these questions will be answered. I love the aura of intrigue you've set up with this beginning. In addition, you've done an excellent job characterizing the visitor.
| TequilaMockingbird19 chapter 2 . 12/19/2012
Generally, I think this is a nice chapter since it gives me a good view of how Col's village life is.
Okay, technical errors were here and there. Typos probably (?) that may have distracted me just a tiny bit.
[Obtaining the reeds were easy...] I think it's supposed to be a 'was' and not 'were'
[He deposited the pile, then groaned at the pile of baskets...] The word 'pile' seemed a bit redundant here.
[then fell to the crisp grass, riding a non-existent ...over the crisp grass to the stream once more.]
'Crisp grass' seemed a bit redundant here too.
Also, I think that your use of apostrophes instead of quotation marks was a bit distracting.
But over all, I think the image was clear, the dialogues were good. I suppose a bit of revisions and cleaning up the typos will be good.
| Secret Santa chapter 1 . 12/19/2012
Yes, your magnificent, marvelous Secret Santa has arrived to spread review love to you this holiday season!
I shall get the mechanical stuff out of the way first, I do believe. You open this piece with some wonderful description, and carry that throughout. However, I get the sense that the first few paragraphs have TOO much description, as though you were thinking "I have to get this in, so I'll do it now and not have to deal with it again." From a reader's standpoint, the story is much more interesting and engaging when little things like the physical description you mentioned are littered throughout.
There are some instances where I think you're using the wrong terms to convey what you mean, for example "Stubbornness oozed from her soul", "dilated and accommodating nothing", and "she persevered stoutly" to name a couple. While I can sorta see what you're trying to get across, the word choices are a little awkward and not entirely suited to the situation.
The Necromancer seems very competent and calculating, certainly very intelligent and well versed in his magic. But at times, he seems a little too cliched as a villain, mostly in his dialogue and inner monologue. Sometimes, this works for characters (especially the ones that are very dramatic and theatrical), and obviously my exposure to him is brief. But just know that if this is not the effect you are going for, be careful.
Finally, I must compliment you on your schools of magic. Many readers of fantasy are familiar with the white and black magic schools, or at least incarnations of it. Holy power vs. unholy power has been done time and again, because it works. But you've included the red magic, the life force. That's very compelling, and not something I can recall being done before. It's certainly piqued my interest.
Who knows? Perhaps I'll come back and continue reading this when the holidays are over? And now, I must take my leave. Happy holidays!
| Ark Kuchiki chapter 1 . 12/19/2012
Ok sorry about being signed in as a guest my internet is acting guffy and i can't sign in with my phone so here it is. Can't see anything wrong with grammar or flow. I enjoyed this story do to how the idea is clearly written. I enjoy this story on how it puts a clear image in the readers head.
| Xephia chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
Wow, your imagery is excellent! I love how descriptive you are without hindering the pace, which is a difficult thing to master. There were a couple of cases where I felt the descriptions were unnecessary, but they were few and far between.
There were a few editing mishaps, however. I believe "The smirked widened" should be "The smirk widened", and you overuse and misuse the semicolon occasionally (something I used to do a lot).
I also feel as though the ending paragraph could have been a little more powerful, but I'm not quite sure how to explain that one.
| hohoho chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
This had my interest right away with the opening, but then the smaller form and larger form kind threw me off as it didn't really flow, and I had to stop to puzzle out what you meant. my first way through this I thought that the use of the 'single' meant thoughts, and it was only later when you actually said that the visitor spoke that I realized it was actually aloud! Then I had to go back and reread again because the whole time I thought he was thinking to himself, and the battle was largely quiet.
The ending was done very well, and once I reread knowing the speech was speech I found this really enjoyable. I look forward to reading more
| Argentum Vir chapter 3 . 12/18/2012
This is a much better chapter. Though I have a beef with the opening sentence (it drags on much too long and it's a bit confusing), the rest of the chapter is wonderful. The end is especially good. The short sentence carries a note of finality and it really stands out among the other long winded descriptions you tend to have going on.
This chapter didn't suffer from the same problems of descriptive prose as your last one did. The words flow really well and I didn't feel a sensory overload from the things you describe. Overall you did a great job with this one.
The only problem this one suffers from is the slow pacing. Again I felt the chapter putting me to sleep (maybe not the best story to review at 3 A.M. but whatever). I hope you have a bit more action in the coming chapters.
| Argentum Vir chapter 2 . 12/18/2012
In this chapter there's quite a few differences from the first. One is the beginning hook. It's almost non-existent. Which is what I expected. At this point the quick and descriptive action of the prologue has been discarded for a slower paced storytelling. It isn't bad, but some people may feel as though there isn't much reason to continue.
The end of this chapter is also lacking a hook. Though it does make me wonder why his grandmother avoided the question which the end of a chapter is supposed to do.
Your descriptive writing style always seems to get in the way. I have many a friend who likes to describe every little thing as you do. While it serves as a decent way to keep the imagery in the reader's mind, it also slows the chapter's pacing to a crawl. Since this is your style, I'm not going to tell you to change it, just advise you to find a better way to arrange the words to flow better.
As for the relationship between his grandmother and himself, it reminds me a lot of how my grandparents and I used to interact. I like the feeling of nostalgia it brings.
| Argentum Vir chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
The beginning of this chapter was interesting to say the least. I wanted to find out why this beautiful woman looked so dead. So I read on and the hook did its job. With the end of the chapter, I find myself wanting to follow this Necromancer. To see where he goes and what he'll do next. So I decided to read on and the hook yet again does its job. Bravo.
Though the concept of White Magic vs. Necromancy has been done many times over, I feel you bring a small amount of freshness to the mix. You don't just say he takes their soul or body, you tell it in real time. You don't just say he's evil, you make the reader feel it. While it's a fresh take on an overdone concept, I feel it needs to provide a bit more to keep me interested. I'll keep reading in hope it continues to "wow" me.
The vivid imagery you write makes the read a bit of a chore at times. While it isn't anything major, the issue is there. Something like ["After a moment it swirled within, filling the confines like gas spread evenly in all dimensions available to it."] is a bit too descriptive for the action at hand. If I were writing it, I would simplify it to it to: ["After a moment it stirred within; the white filled the container completely like a gas."] This way the imagery is still there. I mean when I imagine a gas, I automatically think of it spreading around the container.
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 5 . 12/14/2012
Oh, I really like several things about this chapter. I think you handled Col's talk with his grandmother magnificently, for one. It felt so realistic in most parts I felt like I could feel her tired voice speaking right there in the warm night air. The tone was perfect for it, and many of the things she said really felt brimming with hard-earned insight and wisdom.
I especially liked the way she explained living in the future, present, and past as one ages. When she first said "not all people are meant to live in the present" I was confused, but I think the way she spelled it out is really neat, accurate, and a thought-provoking way of looking at things.
I also liked one of the last few things she says to him about "choosing" and how he "chose" her and Col's grandfather over death alongside his parents. An interesting simile to set up with his current situation.
I still felt like this chapter did drag in places and could do with a little condensing to keep the pace of it up, but not nearly so much as some of the earlier chapters and this one is probably my favorite so far just for all the little gems of wisdom in their chat. All around, very nice job. :)
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 12/14/2012
Howdy there! :D I owe you a review, so here I go!
[She could have been beautiful, if she didn't look so dead.] I really like this opening line. Not only is it beautiful, it's packed with emotion and a hook that instantly draws the reader in. As of now, I'm already highly curious about who this 'she' is and how she came to looking so dead. :D Overall, I think that was a wonderful opening line.
I also really liked your level of imagery in this. It was very descriptive and very errie/creepy, making it even more interesting to read, at least for me. I just found that your usage of imagery and diction so alluring and just sucking me into the drama/action. :DDD
This is a very interesting plot. I'm curious as to who this man is, and the priestess, and how they are connected.
| GiveItTime chapter 2 . 12/13/2012
Ok, so your first sentence is something i find i'm having the same trouble with at the moment, trying to cram too much into one sentence and it comes of a little confusing.
"A tan face swam in the water amidst the reeds before fading into ripples as a hand snapped the stalk and pulled it to the surface, adding it to the pile he already carried" You could separate this and still convey the same message :)
"The river's saline water kept it most and somewhat softened;" I assume you meant MOIST and somewhat softened. :)
"His grandmother looked at him. 'Those reeds won't clean themselves, Col,' she said.
'I know, Grandmother.' He picked up the first reed, then paused to brush fair hair from his forehead.
His grandmother looked at him. 'Those reeds won't clean themselves, Col,' she said.
'I know, Grandmother.' He picked up the first reed, then brushed fair hair from his forehead." You repeated yourself :)
I felt at times it was a little info-dumpy. There was a lot to understand and perhaps, a little too much for the first chapter. Also on occasion you tried to put too much in the one sentence and i had to read over it several times to understand it.
However, this story has loads of potential. It's interesting, intriguing. There seems to be a magic element which i like. I also like Col. I'm keen to see what happens with him and choosing the 'right girl'. I look forward to reading more :)