|Reviews for Into Daylight|
| Horsemouth chapter 17 . 11/19/2012
I am proud of her. She ditched him. She will start crying now, but she actually did it. Left him standing there.
| Emmett chapter 17 . 11/19/2012
I agree with John in that Lewis' arrival is a bit over the top. It would fit more nicely in a lighthearted spoof or parody about time travel. But I loved the rest and find that it gets better and better after chapter 2 and you really had me wondering what's going to happen with Mandy. The tension between Natty and Lewis is great, keep that up because it adds suspense. But I would do something about his arrival, maybe slow it down or add things that Natty is thinking.
| Horsemouth chapter 16 . 11/18/2012
Two words: Twilight clone. Don't take it the wrong way. It's just true. Interesting choice of protagonist though. A dead guy from history. All in all its okay to read. Kind of funny.
| darkerthanblack chapter 1 . 11/18/2012
The preview is very very promising. I do not know much about Lewis yet (but hopefully will get to know more about him as the stroy continues), but the beginning is captivating, since one wonders what exactly happened there that prevented him from being killed.
| frank n stone chapter 3 . 11/17/2012
I see where you're going, and I've lost interest. As serious SF I'd like it, but as simply one more kind of spicy "romance" it doesn't offer much.
| frank n stone chapter 2 . 11/17/2012
This has the potential to be effective, but I see a few problems.
You have Natty afraid of Lewis-which is wise, since he seems (in fact) to have been a violent and fairly stupid fellow-but wouldn't she at least speak to him? Something like, "You've been rescued Mr Paine, and I'm going to free you in a minute. Be calm, and don't be afraid of anything you see—this is a very different kind of place."
Instead, you have her rush to the computer to consult... The FBI? No. The Center for Psychic Research? No. Some doctor? No... her girlfriends.
The use of crude language doesn't advance the story or enhance realism, and "yawning anus" is out of place. I'm not speaking from the point of view of propriety but because the phenomenon of Paine's appearance is shocking enough that the shock value of bad language doesn't add anything.
Having Natty feel sexual urges toward a dirty, smelly bum doesn't seem realistic. Unless, that is, you aim to make this into erotica.
You change tenses without having a reason to do so.
"...the way I always do when confronted by an unwashed bum in close quarters"
How often does your heroine confront the unwashed? In fact, you make too much of his odor unless... erotica.
You've done a good job of conveying Paine's fear and confusion.
| frank n stone chapter 1 . 11/17/2012
Intriguing premise. At times, however, too many modifiers make a story seem excessively flamboyant. I suggest you eliminate "extremely" and replace "untimely demise" with either death or execution.
"Gaggle" gives an indication of lack of discipline; is that what you wish to show?
"Tall, muscular" is followed by "Well built." Seems a bit redundant.
"Short cropped" is redundant, since cropped indicates shortness. Cropped short would work, though.
Unless Paine succeeded in his assassination attempt, replace "surety" with intent.
| cypress16 chapter 12 . 11/15/2012
These two chapters flow along smoothly. Her buying clothing for him is a risk, especially shoes. The conversation and interaction make sense in the situation. Your final sentence is very correct and it works both ways...
| phantom130 5 chapter 1 . 11/14/2012
Awesome! I love the start and cliffhanger ending! :D
| MysteriousFire chapter 2 . 11/14/2012
I like how lost Lewis is, how he has absolutely no clue about where he is.
The part where Natty rans out her house seemed a bit rushed, I was wondering what her father would think of the whole situation and so, but other than that I liked your writing style a lot!
The descriptions of the world as Lewis sees it is just brilliant. Very good chapter!
| MysteriousFire chapter 1 . 11/14/2012
Very good prologue, you can pull me into 1865 right away! Your descriptions are really vivid and I can't wait to read more!
| cypress16 chapter 10 . 11/14/2012
Overall I like your story. I think this genre is well suited to the combination of angst and humor I enjoy reading and therefore writing.
I did think Lewis's arrival was a bit over the top ... it's a wonder the poor guy didn't have heart failure between escaping death, arriving in an unknown world, attacked by a dog, while chased and yelled at by an outraged homeowner ... all in a matter of minutes. After that, her rescue of him and the motel interactions were more 'reasonable'? I did think this last chapter was your best. You presented more the true angst and human compassionate interaction between the two characters involved in such an incredible situation.
Keep up the humor and angst, your story line has plenty of potential ahead as Natty helps Lewis adjust to his new life in 2012.