|Reviews for Stray Heart|
| LuckycoolHawk9 chapter 1 . 11/27/2012
I like the last line because it draws in how dangerous the guy is and that he doesn't care who he hurts. I also like how the lines are broken down because it is a cool second person feel which makes it unique.
| flashangel chapter 1 . 11/18/2012
Yep. Continue. I found no mistakes. So...good :D
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 11/18/2012
I don't really like the style you've used with this fic; it feels like you've put up something unpolished, but maybe that's because I think it would work far better as a freeverse poem, particularly with the beginning. Things like user/abuser have a nice stylistic rhyme to it and you could utilise that, and work on meters like alcoholic/parties too hard to have them flow a little better - even if the jerky rhythm was what you were going for.
Some bits, particularly the end, seemed to me to be overly formal. "You are" for example; "you're" would have suited the voice better. That rawness was really good at the beginning and the middle, but I felt you lost it a little towards the end.
So overall, I think you have a really good idea, have the guts to take on something like this, but I think you could work on the style a little more to really bring it out.
| Hunter of the Wicked chapter 1 . 11/18/2012
I like this story because it almost like real life.
I like the simile Targeting you like a vampire.
Why do i like the simile because of vampires being an almost zombie.
The reason it seems so much like real life is that there are people are like that out there in the world and yet almost no one notices them until its to late
| Austin F chapter 1 . 11/18/2012
Very good use of emotion, it really helps the reader connect to what is going on. Also, you have a really good use of detail. It really helps build a connection to the character so we feel what they are feeling. All in all it was very enjoyable.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 11/16/2012
Wow, this was really good; simple, but jammed pack with so much emotion and poetic detail.
I really liked the whole simple diction of it all, how smooth this read from the start to the beginning. But this diction, these words, they had so much power attached to them, allowing us, the readers, to eaisly follow along and connect with the subject and speaker of this piece.
I also really liked how this girl's obbsession grows as we continue reading, growing and growing and just full on exploding by the end. At first, she's loathing this man, but by the end, she's practical his pet, willing to do anything just for his attention. And I like the theme of this all that you got going on, how a girl will do anything for attention from a certain person; it's a common human characteristic, and I thought you did a really good job at conveying that.
Good job! :D
| Mylilblackpen chapter 1 . 11/15/2012
Wow this is impressive and definitely reminds me of the song Stray Heart by Green Day. Can I just say this is impressive and awesome. I love it and I definitely think you should consider this, which makes me glad that you are hopefully. I can't wait to see where you take this. But as prologues go this was pretty awesome. Loved it and can I say that bam line where her ovaries just go boom, well that had me smirking like a loon. And it's kinda relatable...
This is awesomeness right here!
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 11/14/2012
I really enjoy the voice in this piece; it's strong, original, and it has a hell of a lot of character. The slang is used very well to set the tone, which I think is the biggest strength of this piece. The way you take a single moment (this girl looking at this guy up on stage) and expand it the way you did was very well done - I love how you played with emotions, as well as physical reactions (like how this girl is lusting after this guy). You also have some very vibrant images and metaphors, and I think the one at the end of the vampire is most striking. Though, as much as I like it, I wonder if you'd be able to shift the metaphor into something else, since vampires have been so overdone lately, almost becoming cliches (which sucks *no pun intended*, because I love vampires). That's just a thought, though. Either way, I really like the ending.
And I love the beginning. It feels almost like a song, or maybe a poem; the rhythm is wonderful. Which makes me wonder... have you considered turning this into a poem? I bet it would read really well as a free-verse poem if you feel like experimenting. Your specific details emanate really well with the reader, and I think condensing them into stanza might be a fun experience.
I also enjoy the use of the run-on sentences near the end. Gives everything a more stream-of-consciousness feel, *especially* near the end. By the time I'm at the end of that 4th to last paragraph, I'm just as breathless as the girl, which I think creates a really cool experience for the reader and draws them in. That line about the ovaries has to be my favorite - just the right amount of satire, sarcasm, and seriousness.
[And you know you are rambling right in this moment, but you're watching him sing about his stray heart,]
Just one little nit-pick suggestion: I think taking off the "right in this moment" will make this sentence more powerful, as well as making the "you are" into a contraction since you do in the following clause. Like this:
"And you know you're rambling, but you're watching him sing about his stray heart..."
Very nice job! Your writing has come so far this past year - you're producing some really wonderful flash-fiction. I'm have a wonderful time reading it. :)
| wisedec4u chapter 1 . 11/14/2012
If I could retitle this it would be called "Ode to a Fangirl". LOL. I loved it. I think anyone who's ever gone a wee-bit into the obsessive territory over a celebrity (Tom Hiddleston in my case) would find this wonderful piece of work relatable to some way. I love how you show she's sees his flaws and knows that he's a life ruiner, but she can't help herself. He is her addiction and she willing to almost anything to have him notice her in crowd. I also think she wants to stand out from crowd. She has this desperate need to be worthy of notice. I really enjoyed your writing. My only gripe is that this is just a one shot instead of an awesome lead in to a story about rocker and his fangirl. hehe. Great writing!
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 11/14/2012
Oohh, I love the character in this. Though you never learn who 'he' is by name or even hear him speak a single word of dialogue, he gets fleshed out into this extremely vivid character. And just my type of character, too. What's more fun than a bad boy who does the job -right-?
I also like your word choices, kind of just the whole flow of it, really. It's poetic and it sucks you in, and each line rolls into the next so it reads quickly, but smoothly and paints a great picture for the reader. Very nice. :)
| kedros chapter 1 . 11/14/2012
At first I thought it was some poem but later on I believed it were the thoughts about one girl about this stray dog.
I'm certainly curious for more. Will there be a following chapter? Because I would like to see how this girl's thoughts would evolve.
I'm also wondering if maybe this piece is written on your own or someone you might know their experience. You seem to use exactly the right words to get the maximum feeling into the story. That's why I thought you know this situation.
Be sure to let me know whether there'll be a update :)
| OrangeyApples chapter 1 . 11/14/2012
Wow! I can honestly say I'm impressed. You did a good job on this. Maybe you should write more? I don't know to target this as a poem, or just thoughtful words. Either's fine. Good job, very good job, I approve!