|Reviews for An Unfortunate Exchange|
| Sierra Horizon chapter 21 . 9/14/2013
I'm not sure what to say about the ending.
But it's interesting to see who gets the exchange, or all the body parts. I guessed, but I see the "productive" ones gets the surviving (the gas that killed Jame's friend and District 6) unproductive people's body parts.
I'd say with few words every chapter, you still convey so much. Good work.
Now onto the spelling mistakes...
One robotic eye peered out from the dark at the mediator who aprouched (approached) them.
And then it happend (happened).
Jerimiah (Jeremiah) removed a black hand gun from his coat pocket and fired three shots at the smileing(smiling) young man.
In the white room behind them stood an army, all clad in white medical clotheing (clothing).
| ultimate idiot chapter 21 . 9/11/2013
Well that was...morbid.
| Sierra Horizon chapter 20 . 9/10/2013
Thanks for the shout out! I also don't think people will read my story anyways but thanks for helping.
If you do get published (that'd be cool), I'll be sure to give you my real name.
I sort of knew something was going to be set on fire; but nice to see Issac and James acting like they are human...
Only one sentence had the issues I believe.
Someone had broken the emergency ax from it's (I believe it is: its) case and was busying themself(themselves) tarring (did you mean 'tearing'?) down the door to the file room.
| Sierra Horizon chapter 19 . 9/9/2013
That must've been a big bullet or something, or maybe several. Maybe both.
Only found one spelling mistake here:
"His boots crunched glass as he entered, there was no silent entrance. One isle shelf had toppled over onto the next, createing [creating] a cleft in which was a nestled body, wrapped in the shop's towels and blankets, motionless."
Yeah I seem to have the issue of people looking at my stuff but not saying anything. I've been struggling for views and when I do get one, it seems they don't care enough to leave like a 2 sentence review (that'd be fine with me.)
People tend to look at the reviews first too to see if it's any good, but when no one reviews, chances are your story isn't going to be read unless someone gets the guts to read it.
Keep it up.
| Sierra Horizon chapter 16 . 8/28/2013
Just a couple of errors...
"They grabbed at him to tug him along, embraced him, and the woman kissed him but he remained stuborn (Stubborn) and afraid and remained where he was asigned (assigned)."
I hoped that you were writing more, and now I hope your lack of inspiration may diminish.
| Sierra Horizon chapter 15 . 8/21/2013
Hi, yeah, I'm losing my inspiration as well.
"I'm guessing your(you're) here because of me."
Hopefully you can write more soon!
| Sierra Horizon chapter 14 . 7/13/2013
This one was short, so there's not much to say other than James's and Issac's sort of behavior runs in the family.
Just one thing: Something like a sob caught in the new fellow's throat, disrupting the pleading song, the remenisant (reminiscent) tune of love and lover.
| TooManyPichus chapter 10 . 7/6/2013
Having caught up on chapters 9-11, I'm very impressed with how you've illustrated Ben-Ben's/James's status following the exchange. Ch. 9, I'm not entirely sure what the dream represented, though I'd like to think the song being played on the piano represents the spirit of rebellion against the society. (Care to explain?) The speech in Ch. 10 was a great way of providing exposition to explain about the society in more detail. Also, the callous, unfeeling tone of the unknown speaker really helped bring out the sense of oppression and hopelessness that James must have been experiencing. Finally, Ch 11 was a great illustration of our broken hero. Your use of imagery to describe James's injuries was simply chilling. You managed to take away everything from the fellow, even his respect for himself and desire to live. Way to tell the story of a dystopia crushing a rebel under its boots!
| Sierra Horizon chapter 13 . 7/5/2013
Three trained men vs. 3 teenagers... Yeah Issac I don't think you're going to win this one.
OK, not much problems with spelling and grammar as I see. Although you missed a period in the last sentence of paragraph 5.
Also I have a slight issue with this sentence: "A thick gloved hand clamped itself quickly and with much force to Isaac's throat, the grip mechanically strong, the fingers beneath masked from their human origin by those cold black gloves." I don't know, it confuses me. Maybe it's just weird, or something to do with the last half...
Keep up the good work, as usual.
| Sierra Horizon chapter 12 . 6/27/2013
Teenagers will be the end of us all. (Joking) Ha, they are in James' old place.
And dang all these song references.
A couple issues:
"As much as you'd like to believe not, you alone don't qualifie(qualify) as 'public'." Isaac stated.
(")But if your jealous I'm sure Isaac can spare a little of his abundant supplies of affection." Forgot a quotation there. I'm not quite sure who said that line.
| Annally Tate chapter 11 . 6/27/2013
I loved this! I can't wait see if or how these two parts of the story come together. Very good.
| Sierra Horizon chapter 11 . 6/27/2013
Well now that was interesting. Nice little short action sequence. I feel that this society here is slowly being unraveled.
I swear if the girl is Emily from James' exchange...
Although I found a couple issues:
Isaac was always first out of bad situations, which was what made him honorary carrier in the group's hiests(heists).
The girl rushed ahead and into the drivers seat of an old light blue Toyota Camery(Camry). Actually I'm not sure if that's how you spell it.
| Annally Tate chapter 10 . 6/26/2013
This is getting more and more interesting. Startin to remind of 1984 just a little bit. I like it though.
| Sierra Horizon chapter 10 . 6/25/2013
Quite the short ending, huh?
But yes, that sounds horrible.
No mistakes in grammar and such.
I am looking forward to a follow-up story, which will hopefully explain the background of this dystopian society, as other reviewers were asking for.
| Sierra Horizon chapter 9 . 6/24/2013
I see you're using more dialogue, which is nice. Intelligent thoughts within it as well, which I feel help out a dystopian world of sorts.
I couldn't spot any spelling/grammar issues, which means you're getting better at hiding them or double-checking.
I'm running out of things to say, but this chapter was good anyway.