|Reviews for The Scar|
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 5 . 1/2/2013
ooh, I like the idea of an epic Halloween party! For some reason I have a bad feeling about it though. I have one question, what is the plot of the story? I get Dominic and his constant torture, and then the girl he's falling for, but is there any really big plotline? You might want to make it more clear.
"Dominic simply glared at the two meat heads, but after a few minutes laughing out of nowhere." Do you mean started laughing out of nowhere? This sentence could use some revision.
Still good though, as always. (:
| Kay Iscah chapter 1 . 12/21/2012
If their father died 17 years ago, when he was one month old, these things wouldn't really feel like changes to Dominic, just how things are. He'd have no memory of otherwise unless he was a very unusual child.
I think maybe you're putting too much backstory into your story. It may be important for you to know the details of the car crash, why Dominic's brother hates him, or exactly how these friends' first meeting at age 11 went, not so sure it's important for your reader to know it. Flashbacks have a way of disrupting story flow, so you want to avoid them if you can easily work information into the present day.
When Emily asks Dominic to tell the story of the scar, that would be a very good time to cover how he got it, without going into a flashback...and it gives them something to connect over. Just don't do it over the phone...have them go sit on a back step or something.
Personally, I'm finding the profanity to be a big turn off. But I don't like profanity in general. To me it needs a good reason to be there, or else it's just replacing real dialogue.
| Link Roc chapter 5 . 12/19/2012
I'm gonna out on a limb here and say that Mike and Lisa are dating each other XD Nice touch with the grandparents and everything. Never is easy to deal with painful truths regarding family and graveyards...
| Richard S. O'Day chapter 4 . 12/19/2012
Good chapter. I like the way that you switch between past and present, the headings make it really clear. The characters are developing well and are natural, love the little brother. The only thing I would recommend, is that you make a new paragraph every time a new character has dialogue. On some occasions you did this, and others you did not. To be proper you need to make a new paragraph every time a different person has dialogue. Besides this minor detail, great chapter and keep it up!
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 4 . 12/17/2012
I found a few little small typos here. Like he says "Yeah I'm sick sure," but I'm sure you meant to say so. Sometimes you also forgot to put punctiation, but I understand you will proofread. These errors aren't too big to fuss over, and I'm no perfectionist. Also, when Ms. Rivera is yelling at Ralph and says "Mr Anderson, is there something more interesting than my lesson Mr. Anderson?" Adding Mr. Anderson on there again just sounds a little bit repetitive. It isn't that big of a deal. Good job still, Dominic is one of the most unique characters I've ever read.
| diannewinter chapter 1 . 12/9/2012
I like the story, it has a good dynamic, interesting charactes and charming dialogue. One objection however, try to integrate the flashback into the story somehow that the reader understands that is a flashback without you writing it such. It looks amateuristic to put "flashback" over there. Otherwise, great start. I'm looking forward to reading more from you.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 12/6/2012
Hi from Roadhouse!
[Even so it had a cursed with it just...] should be "Even so it had a curse with it just..."
[...a constant remind to him...] shoulod be "...a constant reminder to him..."
[...usual morning shit right Zero?] should be "...usual morning shit, right Zero?"
[God what was you were doing up there?] should be "God, what were you doing up there?"
[...as he kept eating trying not to let his emotions show.] should be "...as he kept eating, trying not to let his emotions show."
[...besides its way too early...] should be "...besides it's way too early..."
[Terry Arson and Lisa Arson are Dominic's older twin siblings that were the first children of Dominic's parents...] Cut out "that were the first children of Dominic's parents..." because it had already been stated that their are three children from the very start, therefore, you don't need to mention that they're the first children since you also said they were his older siblings.
["Come on, lets hear it; "My dog got aids and I needed to stay at the hospital?", "My car broke down in the middle of the street?", or here's my all time favorite "My foot got stuck in the window?"] When quoting within quotation marks you need to use " ' " instead of " " ". SO ' instead of ". For example: "Come on, lets hear it: 'My dog got aids and I needed to stay at the hospital?'; 'My car broke down in the middle of the street?'; or here's my al time favorite: 'My foot got stuck in the window?'"
There are more mistakes, but I'll let you find them and correct them.
The flashback scenes should be fleshed out more, with more detail and a better job of connecting them to the rest of the chapter.
I think Dominic's character is alright, some good parts and some bad. I feel like this chapter can't get a bit angsty when concerning Dominic, so maybe making a way where such painful emotions are written out better will be good.
Terry is a good character as well; he has that mean vibe to him.
Anyways, I can't really comment on the plot because so far, all there has been is basically an introduction to characters and how he got the scar.
Just fix up the mistakes and i'm sure this will turn out to be a nice read. :)
| Richard S. O'Day chapter 1 . 12/5/2012
I'm here from the Roadhouse.
First of all, I like the characters and personality that you have established. You have a quite a few characters to work with in the future. Your descriptions are solid, and chemistry between characters is believable. There are some minor grammar and word choice issues, but I am sure that someone has pointed this out before.
All and all, great start to a story, and I will look forward to reading more in the future.
| Link Roc chapter 3 . 11/28/2012
In all honesty, the story has promise, it just has those grammar problems and other things that keep popping up in these chapters. Not a bad story, really, but it's like a rough cut of a block of wood, you need to sand it down and polish it to make it really show it's greatness that's hiding down in there. Keep at it!
| Link Roc chapter 2 . 11/28/2012
Okay, I'm no expert on abusive family relationships, but there's gotta be SOME point where SOME member of the family suspects something about all this going on between Dominic and Terry. Do they just think he's a really clumsy person his entire life? Does Zero ever growl at Terry when they're with other people and don't they ever wonder why? I know there's threats, but there should be SOMETHING needing looked into here, right?
Same thing as before, grammar problems and what not. I don't think that the conversation side of the phone call NEEDS to be in italics, but that's just me. Oh, and there's not actual bone in noses, it's just hard cartilage, if I remember my biology classes correctly.
| Link Roc chapter 1 . 11/28/2012
Saw your post in the Roadhouse and out of both curiosity and hope that you'd read some of my own work XD I thought I'd check this out.
So far? Well, there's quite a bit of grammar problems with the proper marks to use when writing. Also, it feels like a number of sentences run on and on just to fit something in. The protagonist is interesting enough. Fair backstory, memorable trait and goal...
It could be better, however. I don't mean this in a bad way, far from it, but I would suggest that you put some time in reading. Study how other writers construct their work, you may get some insight. Another problem is that there is some redundancy. I think I must've read that his brother hates him for a specific reason explained in the same part of the story three times, when it's only just one time that's needed.
Off to read the other chapters!
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 3 . 11/28/2012
I saw your request for a review, so I decided to check this story out! It is a good story, and I couldn't pick out any errors besides some grammatical ones, but those can be edited. The characters are all very unique, especially Dominic. I feel bad for him! That's good, by the way, to be able to get the reader relating to the character and his situation. I'm wondering where this story is going to go, and i'm looking forward to more!
| AJ 96 chapter 1 . 11/23/2012
This is a good first chapter! The plot is good and though I did notice a few errors, it was nothing very major.
I like Dom's character and feel sorry about what happened to his dad. Also, his brother is a dick :P I hope something happens to either teach him a lesson or get them closer together. Great beginning! :)
| Rainera chapter 1 . 11/22/2012
The story seems to have promise, but there are a number of redundant sentences and grammar errors that make reading your story a little difficult. For example; "Turning it on he looked at the small photo he kept of his Father above him and smiled. Turning on his car he looked at his review mirror touching his scar. I wonder why something like this has had much effect on me" I would recommend double checking your sentences to make sure that you don't repeat the same action. So far character development seems fine, although I would like to know more about Terry's motivation constantly abusing his brother. I understand that Dominic was in the car but you never say how far apart the siblings are in age so it's a little difficult to know how well Terry knew his father, or how well their relationship is. I will definitely follow this story, it has potential.
| Bookworm67 chapter 2 . 11/21/2012
Terry is a douchebag jerkface.