|Reviews for Name Thy Ways To Die|
| Leila Archer chapter 1 . 12/3/2012
Hey! It's been a while. So here's my thoughts on your new story.:)
1. You need to finish Gone Squared FIRST! XD
2. It's good, and I'll tell you why in a minute.
3. It still needs a little work, and I'll tell you why as well in a second too!
Okay, so, this piece is very descriptive. I feel like I know a part of their lives REALLY well... but I don't exactly remember their looks, because they were kind of overloaded on me all of a sudden. If anything, this was TOO descriptive. Their was nothing but exposition in this first chapter. At the same time, the exposition is good, but it didn't exactly catch my eyes as well as it could have.
I like how you quite obviously conveyed the nature of their relationship. It's cute, but you might want to work on exactly HOW you portray this, because again, your main character is starting to sound Naive and childish. "The whole wide world"... NEVER use this phrase in ANY serious fictional work... unless it is dialogue from a five year-old.
But I LOVE the way he's like... she's MINE. THat's the best part... She's mine. It says a lot. I love how you put in his a way, that's the most memorable physical description in here. It's the one I remebered. The only thing I remembered about Alice is that she's petite. Because you made that memorable. When you suddenly describe her looks, all at once though... readers only hold on to the details that seem to stand out the most. In this case, it was the fact that she is small. Why does it stand out? Because she's eating a TON of food, it seems like a completely contrasting idea. Which added some humor for sure.
I like the contrast between her and him. Is there any insecurity because of this descrepency in "desirability?" If so, you should include that! It would add some tension to the story right away, and it wouldn't interfere with the laid-back, first out date in a while, kind of feel that you're going for. Honestly, I think that's all this chapter REALLY needs at this point, is some tension.
Speaking of tension. I love the way you ended the chapter. I definitely want to see what happens from here.
The last thing I would suggest is to rename things. You repeat your words A LOT. Napkin, ice cream (Oh yeah, that's two words BTW), and more noticably... girlfriend. He can say her name every now and then. And if he calls her his Girlfriend TOO much, then he begins to sound possesive, wwhich isn't quite what you're going for. At least, it doesn't seem to be. If it is, make it more obvious.
In closing, I just wanted to say that I'm definitely reading your next chapter, I read your summary, and it's an interesting concept. I'm excited to see what you're going to do with it! The first chapter's always the hardest to pin. I've re-written mine four times, and I'm working on the fifth re-write right now, so, don't think this is me being stiff-nosed. I just wanted you to know some of the things that would make this the best it could be.
Do NOT go back and re-write anything right now though, just keep writing. It's a really bad idea to start full-blown editing this soon. Get more words down on paper, find where you're going to be ECAXTLY first, and then much later, find out what you need to do in the beginning to make the end more powerful, or even the middle. :)
Keep writing this, I want to know what happens! (BUT YOU BETTER UPDATE CHAPTER 16 FOR GONE SQUARED REAL SOON!)