Reviews for Scream
Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 3/29/2013
I think you have a lot of interesting concepts working here. I'm not sure if your characters are elements themselves or just characters named after elements but I think both either working alone or combined work. I liked that you had a lot of character interaction but I think it would be better to work more detail in here as well. I feel like a majority of this was talking and not much else. I kind of wish that you had polished the edges a bit more, but that would go with editing and you said this was unedited. Again though I like the premise, look forward to reading more.

pollyspocket chapter 1 . 1/31/2013
I really think the writing in this chapter really makes the story come to life.
"The first thing Scream does when he wakes up is put a tick mark on the low ceiling above his bed." Great start! I was wondering about what this world was like and why it was different than it is now. It truly interested me.

"On the other hand, the boy will probably die, and that could put a kink in Scream's day. Also, he's starting to be really late for work."
This is a really unique sentence that you don't read in a regular story -and the whole scene really is unique. I am interested in Scream's life, and the twists and turns that take place within it. Great job at this! Your writing is really great :) it interests me and keeps me drawn in.
The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 1/25/2013
Ooh, nice opening. One sentence and I've already got a good idea of the setting and you haven't even mentioned it. A really nice opening hook and this time round I'm in no want for detail in the least.

Actually, I think, on the whole I'm pretty happy with the amount of detail in this. It might be because of the NaNo wordcount, but I feel you've put a little more depth in than you normally do, but that adds a dimension that's at some times lacking in some of your other pieces. But in this, I don't feel like I want to see more description, more illustration of some of the little things.

The names are quite ironic; it really makes me wonder why you didn't chose to have more conventional names. But it gives an interesting tone to the fic as well; there's something...well, defined about these characters so far, as if they're pawns in a larger game. Makes me interested to see where this is going next.
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 5 . 1/14/2013
I like seeing Scream and Revenge get back onto more peaceable terms. As Scream notes, they have a heck of a lot in common, and they have a lot to offer each other as far as support and understanding goes. They have the potential to make a good team, even though Revenge is still quite young.

Also, while Revenge's turn-around in the begginning felt a little rushed to me, in some ways I think it's realistic. People - especially those prone to bursts of anger - can act rashly in the heat of the moment and still feel genuinely sorry about it a short time later. I don't quite trust him yet personally, but I *want* to trust him, so I'll be looking forward to later chapters to cement my opinion of him one way or the other.

My biggest criticism for this chapter is that certain segments of the dialogue feel blocky to me - a little too stiff in the back and forth where certain sections of question and answer feel like they're specifically set up just to give the audience more backround info (which is what it *is*, but it shouldn't feel like that, if that makes sense).

I really liked the detail about Scream forgetting his brother's real name, though. I think that digs right into the intimate heart of how deeply Prince's actions scarred him (and the other boys involved, surely), and gives us a tidbit of something truly personal to Scream. Very neat.

- Moonstar
lookingwest chapter 1 . 1/13/2013
As per rule 10

The inventiveness with your character names is always interesting to me - I liked that you sort of acknowledge that in this story, by having the narration kind of go, "well let's just call this guy Fever", that added some mystery to what's going on with the naming system in this, and if they chose those names for themselves or if the narrator is being unreliable and hiding something from the reader as far as identity OR if the narrator Scream just believes that names aren't important and it's saying something about identity and how they're all in this together, or that Prince takes away identity with the way the abuse is characterized. So yeah - definitely liked the name thing in this because I thought it brought up a bunch of good questions with the one line you interject that I don't get from some of your other works with more allegorical name systems.

I also liked the parallel between Scream's home and prison - I honestly thought he was in jail or something at the beginning of the chapter, so that correlation with the ticking off of the days Fever has been there (I think) was a good parallel to the fact that Scream is kind of trapped in this life as well. Good contrast with the wide open setting flatlands that we get outside when he rescues the other boy.

I also liked the point system you've got for the karma thing - at the moment I'm not 100% positive that it's literal, but then it wouldn't surprise me if it does turn out to be literal. Things are very layered in symbolism or allegory with your pieces sometimes and it's always an adventure to find out what will happen as the story goes along. At any rate, I think you're off to a great start here! Definitely feeling sympathy for Scream (I'd love to see some character description that goes into more detail later on too!)
Hunter of the Wicked chapter 2 . 12/20/2012
I like this story because of the picture it paints in my head.
I like the idea of the story.
I enjoy ideas like this but i am in the process of writing my own story.
P.S.(To Eatmyawesome) i am sorry for the mistake on the previous review.
wisedec4u chapter 4 . 12/19/2012
I like how conflicted the Scream character is about poisoning Revenge. However, I am somewhat confused as to why he suddenly feels he has to do it in the first place. Did he feel threaten that Revenge might retaliate for their earlier fight when he'd least expect it? It obvious to me that Scream has a slight physical advantage over Revenge so why didn't he just tell him to leave? I'm glad that Scream changed his mind (he should get some Karma points for that- LOL). It shows he does feel remorse and if nothing else, he doesn't want Revenge to compare him to the Prince. My only criticism is how easily Revenge overcame and poisoned Scream. In the last chapter, they were evenly matched. With Scream combat training, it's hard to believe he wouldn't have put up more of a fight. Overall, great writing and good character development.
wisedec4u chapter 3 . 12/18/2012
I loved how you showed the conflict between Scream and Revenge. I particular liked how they kept using their ordeal with Prince to get under each other skin. Using the name Fifteen and Three Hundred Forty-two as way to show they were still being influenced by what happen to them under Prince's control. I could feel Scream anger at being referred to as number, especially when Revenge mentioned the fight to death he must've went through at the direction of Prince. You did an excellent job of building up the tension between them to a fever pitch. It definitely made me want to read on to the next chapter.
LuckycoolHawk9 chapter 4 . 12/18/2012
I truly disliked Revenge at the end of this chapter for what he did because it doesn't flow like the rest of the story and taking revenge on Scream seemd pointless to me. I liked how Scream ahs a conscience though because it shows that even though he lives in a inhuman world, he still has some human traits that most people would have lost. This keeps getting better every chapter.
Hunter of the Wicked chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
i like this story a little and you may wish to work on cliff hangers to make the story more interesting.
Well i can see that you enjoy writing for how well this is made so this will come naturally to you one day.
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 4 . 12/17/2012
Revenge infuriated me this chapter. I swear, I wanted to lash out at him. What a way to repay the guy who just made the RIGHT decision and spared you? You repay him back by drugging him? Urghhhh...*flounders in fury* Anyway, I think - provided it was your intention - you're doing a good job of making me thoroughly pissed at Revenge, as well as making Scream a sympathetic character. It just hurts to see the "No good deed will go unpunished" adage prove true here.

I'm kind of frustrated that Scream is apparently so easy for Revenge to take advantage of, though. I would have thought - since Scream was older and presumably stronger (even if Revenge was more recently trained) - that Scream would have been able to defend himself at least a little better. Maybe a little more successful struggling on his part before Revenge eventually gets the pill down him? Just a thought.

Other than that, I think you left it off on a great hook. I am definitely on the edge of my seat wanting to know what happens next - what the pills effects are and whether Scream will be alright or not. D: I assume the effects can't be too bad since it was given to him (presumably) as a recreational drug, but still. He needs to be there for Fever and he keeps trying his best and getting spat in the face. ;-;

- Moonstar
B. H. Stokes chapter 1 . 12/7/2012
I love the flow because it made the story easily readable. The characterization for Scream is amazing because the affection for his brother Fever was evident without directly coming out and saying so. I love the idea of karma too and how that influences Scream's decision to help the boy. Sometimes in my own life I base my decisions on ones that would make me more worthy. Overall, great story.
Gorgeous4Eva chapter 3 . 11/28/2012
I love this story already, and I think it has tons of potential to be REALLY good. Work on it.
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 3 . 11/27/2012
[He's never really remembered what door was what in the house, and the alcohol isn't being a great help.] Interesting - this makes me wonder how long Scream's been living in his current residence and where he got it from. (And also how big the place is.) I know large houses can get confusing, but if he'd been living there for an extended period of time, I'd think that at least when he's sober, he'd know the place basically down pat.

[But he finds the door on his second try, and goes down them.] This reads strangely. It sounds like he's going down the door. Seems like there's a missing mention of stairs in there somewhere. ;)

Ouch - the argument hurt, though it definitely didn't feel fair to Scream. He *just* took Revenge in out of nowhere and he's been caring for Fever for so long, so diligently, how dare Revenge make all those accusations when he hasn't been around at all? It felt very ballsy for someone who doesn't know Scream from Adam and would have died without his help.

[Best course of action is always when you don't like something, pretend it's not there.] Interesting motto - says something about Scream I think, though he doesn't seem like he's necessarily followed it so far. (He takes a lot more action trying to deal with issues head on to the best of his ability than a motto like that would suggest.)

[Chocolate, fifteen.] Since 'fifteen' is being used as his name, I would think it would be capitalized.

Urgghhhh...Revenge pisses me off. What an arrogant little pr-ck. Sounds like Prince had all these guys as sex toys, but since I tend to consider myself bias in that regard I'm trying not to jump to conclusions. Still, very fascinating. Kind of hoping Scream'll take a swing at him next chapter just 'cause he deserves it.

- Moonstar
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 2 . 11/27/2012
[Scream got approximately twenty seven karma points for carrying the boy home, and he spent about ten of those on disinfectant.] Aw, how unfair. You'd think going to the work of treating him would get him more karma points, not cost him them. Poor Scream.

I like Revenge's instant spark of personality. The name he unintentionally gives himself of course says a lot on its own, but he's also animated and cute and curious, and it makes him stand out and instantly likable.

[Of course, when the boys die, Scream has to make up stories with happy endings about every single one of them.] Aww. :( Scream goes to such lengths to keep Fever happy, it's touching.

The last section was very interesting and informative, although it felt a little rushed for the amount of information it gave. This was the most awkward to me, though: [Yeah. You heard me right.] Up until this point, it felt like strict third-person-limited perspective (told from Scream's point of view almost like it's him narrating it), but when you say "You heard me right" directly like that, it feels like there's a first person narrator just lingering there *somewhere* telling Scream and everyone else's story.

Still, I liked the chapter as a whole. Nice work. :)

- Moonstar
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