|Reviews for Dreaming in Color|
| Fictionpress won't delete me chapter 2 . 1/25/2013
Short review this time 'round. I've been a bit out of it lately.
"The faint beating" and "pounded against my ribcage" kind of contradict each other.
This chapter is very well-written in my opinion, but I find it a bit difficult to tell what's going on. Since Maia is a coma patient, that might have been the effect you wanted, but if not, you might want to work on describing what exactly is happening.
I like the way you expressed Maia's emotions and thoughts, but you don't really mention the physical pain at all. If she's on pain killers, it would make sense for her to not notice the pain (unless it's extreme) but the medication might screw around with her thinking quite a bit. If she's not on painkillers, she would feel pain when she frowns because her lips are so dry. Same situation while she's coughing up blood.
Is she dreaming when that guy takes her to the coffee shop? If she's not, it doesn't make sense for anyone to be taking her out of the hospital in her condition.
Speaking of condition, you should probably figure out exactly what injuries she had with her accident and do research on how quickly they heal. If she's been in a coma, some of those injuries might have been healed.
| Fictionpress won't delete me chapter 1 . 1/3/2013
It took me a while to understand why the chapter starts with 'No. No. No.' but I think I get it now. Is that because the patient only says no?
I actually think you did a fairly good job of this piece, but I must nitpick. In the first paragraph, while Haley is talking about the patient, I wonder if maybe the patient's physical appearance might also add to why someone might pity her. How long has it been since the poor girl has been able to enjoy the comfort of having clean hair? What expressions are in her eyes as she stares out the window? How can Haley tell she likes the rain best, besides her getting up and trying to open the window? Is there a certain look she gets on her face or does she seem more relaxed?
And what makes Maia's situation more pathetic than any other cases? Doctors see death and injuries every day. Why is her story sadder than the child with cancer, or the athlete who lost his legs, or the mother who miscarried for the third time? Hospitals are filled with tragedy, so why is her situation so much worse? Has something happened to Haley that makes her feel more sympathetic to this patient?
And maybe you could go into more detail when Haley says that they tried everything. And maybe emphasize the word 'everything' differently instead of putting it all in capitals.
When introducing Maia to Ethan, I think it would help to show Haley gesturing to the patient. When Ethan is listening to Haley with sympathetic eyes, is he actually looking her in the eyes, is he staring into space, looking at the ground, observing Maia?
Is there a deeper reason behind why Haley wants to be different from the others? Also, saying that the patients didn't seem to want to respond seems like you're kind of putting all hospital patients into a box. I'm sure some actually did respond or at least wanted to. Each person is different and has reasons for why they respond to something or not.
In the third paragraph, it should be "A-alright, I won't," he said uncertainly. And how does Haley know he's confused? I find that when people are confused, they get a certain facial expression, like maybe there's a wrinkle on their forehead or their eyebrows scrunch together.
Also, I don't think it would actually be neccessary for a doctor to tell another doctor to not get attached to a patient. They would've already known that before they even got their medical degree. When Haley thinks that Ethan will figure out how the hospital works soon enough, I'd like to point out that he should already know how it works because he would've had to volunteer at a hospital in order to finish medical school. Also, most doctors don't have any interaction with the patients. Most of the time it's the nurses that deal with the patients. My sister, who's in nursing school, actually says it's nearly impossible to find a doctor in a hospital. You might be better off making Ethan a med school student or a nurse.
As for Ethan's POV, I can understand why he might be confused, but why is he staring after Haley in wonderment? Wonderment is a state of awe so why is he awed?
Instead of describing her ringlets as being the color of chocolate, you'd probably be better off just saying brown. I mean, what kind of chocolate are we talking here? Dark? Milk? White? Low-fat? And you described her eyes as cocoa brown orbs! First of all, you told us what color her eyes were only a few sentences before, but you also refered to cocoa (I hate it when people describe someone's eyes as being like food unless they come up with something truly original) and called her eyes 'orbs' while they were presumably still in her head. I also think a doctor would be more likely to just call them eyes.
I think Ethan'd be more likely to yell for a nurse, not a medic, when Maia passes out. Sure, the term medic refers to people practicing medicine, but it's very general, so I think he'd be more specific and ask for a nurse.
And it looks like Ethan is too emotionally involved already... Another thing, I don't think a doctor can afford to be as indecisive as Ethan is, considering someone's life depends on his decisions. To an extent, he needs to be sure of himself, more sure than 'Maybe... maybe she shouldn't be my patient'.
With Maia, she shouldn't be thinking 'No' after she's already blacked out. If she's unconscious, she won't actually be thinking and if she had suddenly gone blind, she'd probably be freaking out.
I feel as though the story is a bit cut-off with the multiple narratives in one chapter. I'm fine with different viewpoints, but I think that it's better to have at least a thousand words for each perspective.
Also, I can't really tell much of a difference between the three characters' voices. I'm sure that will develop a bit in time. But still, if Haley's an experienced doctor, she'll think differently than Ethan, a first-time doctor. Also, I find that men and women have different vocabularies. And Maia's been in a coma for five years... Maybe she still sounds like a fourteen year-old girl.
I know I just gave you a lot of criticism, but your story is actually pretty good. The way it started out was interesting, I want to know more, and you don't jar me with your writing. I just zeroed in on details that other people might not actually pay much attention to, but hey, you wanted a critic. Good luck with the story and I'll be back!
| Justin chapter 2 . 12/19/2012
i don't get it. who's pov is the first chapter from? who's pov is the second chapter from? it doesn't match at all...
| T.S. Atlas chapter 2 . 12/4/2012
Wow...this chapter is amazing...I'm utterly job She-chan, this is amazing...I already said that, but whatever, its true! Now I have to wait for the next chapter, grr!
| T.S. Atlas chapter 1 . 11/23/2012
Fantastic job. The changes that you did from the original were great and really helped improve the story. I know I've already told you this, but, I really look forward to what will come from this story, as well as its characters.