|Reviews for Hearts Become One|
| Rumors of War chapter 3 . 1/17
I read this 46 years after the fact and the pain is remembered, "Been there, done that!" applies here. I re-read this a couple times, and every time it brought back a lot of unpleasant memories, but it is an incredible story, nonetheless, excellent work.
| ruelariat chapter 2 . 7/13/2013
Hello. This is ruelariat from the Writers Untied review contest.
I kind of just realized that the first poem and this poem are related to each other. In my previous review on chapter one, I think you can ignore what I said about the concept of two hearts becoming one. This poem better explains the feeling you were trying to convey. Since these two poems are related, I would put them in a single chapter and separate them somehow with a page break or something.
What I think this poem is doing is speaking from the girl's point of view-the girl who was the subject the speaker of the first poem was talking on. If so, then by all means, please put these two poems in a single chapter. If you're observing two speakers who are the subject of each other's poems then I think it's important that you put them together. They're partners, pairs, etc.
Over impression: excellent in that you've conveyed the same pain and emotion of the first poem, and have even characterized it more.
There's really only one thing I see that's kind of wrong, and it's completely up to you if you change it. In the first line you say, "In this cold world there is no noise or cracked smiles coming through; just distant sunlight." This line conveys the feeling that nothing is getting through to the speaker, but she is aware that there is another world outside. In line two you say, "...when I was younger the world seemed brighter, now the sun rarely shines." My problem is that in the previous line you've established that yes there is sunlight, and it seems to be constant even though it's far away and perhaps hazed. Yet, in the second line, you say that the sun rarely shines. This bothers me slightly. I would, perhaps, say that the sunlight the speaker sees isn't true sunlight, or I would just take out the part about the sunlight in the first line, or just say something that doesn't feel contradictory.
And yeah. I think that was my only problem with the poem. Everything else was pretty spot on.
Line 1. "The world seems to sit in a translucent state, like glazed ice on a river. In this cold world there is no noise or cracked smiles coming through; just distant sunlight." I admire the imagery here. The idea is that the speaker is trapped in a frozen wasteland, and she can't really see even the distorted images from the outside world; which she doesn't feel part of, or she feels isolated from. The chill and the cold are nicely conveyed here.
Line 2. "I remember happier times; when I was younger the world seemed brighter, now the sun rarely shines." I like that this line established that the speaker was once happy, and that she once felt warmth. The key word here is "brighter." It contrasted the cold of the first line, and also explains that happiness is a warm feeling while sadness is a cold feeling.
Line 3. "I feel alone though there is a boy standing beside me." This and the fourth line is what told me that these two poems had to be related, and the this boy must be the speaker of the first poem. This line is a sort of shift, because you've established that the speaker is alone, but then you invade the speaker's isolation with this boy's presence.
Line 4. "He says his face was once like mine, but he shines so brightly that it's hard to believe." I like that you once again contrast the cold of the speaker's world with the bright, warmth of the boy's world.
Line 5. "How could he have seen what I've seen and still make it out?" One minus here. I think there is a tense shift here. You said "I've seen and still make it out." I've is short for I have obviously. I think in order to keep the tense the same you should say "and still have made it out." Otherwise, this line is nice in that it once again establishes the both the speaker and the boy feel and have felt the same kind of pain.
Line 6. "Friendship and love is all that I've desired, but those words have already been crossed out of the dictionary in my mind." This line makes me feel like you did intend there to be something of a love relationship between the speaker and the boy, and that wasn't particularly defined in the first poem (perhaps because I thought the speaker of the first poem was a girl and not a boy, and perhaps because I didn't get the vibe of a love relationship in the first poem). Yet, you did say "friendship and love" so I think that what you're trying to say is that friendship must come first before love, and that's a powerful thing for your speaker to say. Second, I love the phrase "but those words have already been crossed out of the dictionary in my mind." While the phrase is a bit long, and you have to read it all the way through to understand what you mean, I love the way you said what you said. The idea is that the speaker doesn't even know what friendship and love is anymore. The speaker is aware that it once existed for her, but since she has been so absent from the world and from happiness, those words have lost meaning for her. They are void.
Line 7. "Can there really be a way for two hearts to become one?" I like the way you ended this poem with this question. It's very moody and emotional. In the first poem you convey a sense of hope, that this girl can be rescued from her pain. In this poem, that last line pretty much obliterates that hope. It is full of such doubt and hurt. Yes the speaker of this poem wants to be happy and find friendship and love, but she is so full of pain and doubt that she can't even imagine becoming happy again. I believe this line is paramount to the two poems, because it conveys the subtle theme that nothing is as easy as it seems or as easy as you want it to be.
Overall, I think you executed this poem better than the first one, and I love that the emotion is this poem is deeper than the first. I think that you really should put these two poems together with maybe an asterisk or a page break separating the shift in the speakers. These two poems rely on each other. Also, you don't want stupid people like me thinking that there isn't a second part to the first poem.
| ruelariat chapter 1 . 7/13/2013
Hello. This is ruelariat from the Writers Untied review contest.
Overall impression: rather emotional and somewhat moving. Everyone's been in a situation where they feel down and out, but in this poem you explore the theme of helping someone else out so they don't have to go through what you've been through. Not a completely unheard of theme, but still a great one to explore.
There are only a few small issues I have with the poem, and most of the time it's just word choice.
In line 2, "I move closer, catching the last glint in her eyes disappear," the word "catching" throws me off. I couldn't quite grasp what you were trying to say about the girl's eyes disappearing. Is the speaker trying to say he/she is looking for the girl's eyes? Is the speaker trying to say he/she happened to glimpse the girl's eyes disappear? Is the speaker trying to say he/she actually caught the last glimpse in her eyes? It isn't that confusing, and it's not much of an issue. However, to make the poem flow smoother so the reader doesn't have to reread that line a few times to understand what you're saying, I would change the word "catching" to "watching," or something of that nature that better explains what you mean.
The second instance is word choice. Line 4 states, "In it I see the suffocation that the mask brought me along with a feeling of being too far down to stand back up." Well, firstly, I would put a comma after "me" and before "along" so there is a better flow. If you read this statement straight through then the excerpt "the mask brought me along" feels like the mask is literally taking the speaker somewhere. If you continue to read the line, the reader realizes that this isn't what you meant, and most readers will catch this without a problem. I'd just add a comma to be safe. The word choice problem comes from the excerpt, "being too far down to stand back up." When you say "being too far down," I imagine someone who is in a hole, or someone who is underneath something. Then you continue the line as "being too far down to stand back up." First time reading this, I was confused. If the person is rather far down than shouldn't he climb back up? Upon reading it again, I felt like the person isn't actually that far down, and that to get out all he has to do is stand up. This takes away from the emphasis you're trying to create with the phrase "being too far down." You obviously want to convey that the emotion is deep and like a chasm, so don't say "stand back up," unless you want to say instead that the emotion knocks you on the ground. I would say "climb back up," or something like that.
Third is word absence. Last part of line 5, "Maybe if I could reach out a hand to her, I could stop her falling again." When I read this statement, I feel like the speaker has already helped this girl from falling, and that the speaker is going to help her again. Yet, the rest of the poem conveys the feeling that this is the first time the speaker has encountered this girl, and this is the first time the speaker has desired to help the girl. I would say, "I could stop her FROM falling again." This way, the reader knows that the speaker hasn't helped the girl before, and also that this girl has fallen many times before the speaker has found her.
The only other thing is a very small issue. It's about the title and the last line. Usually, when you say "two hearts become one," you are implying that there is a love between the two hearts that goes beyond friendship. Obviously this poem isn't above love, but about helping people out because you know what they're going through. I get what you're trying to say about the hearts becoming one in the sense that the speaker and the girl are trying to heal and become friends. Yet, when I first read it, I felt like there was a love relationship forming between the girl and the speaker. I seriously don't think that's what you intended to convey, which is why I'm pointing it out. It's only a small issue because I did get what you were trying to say. It may be something to consider if you decide to edit this poem.
Now for the good stuff!
Line 1. "She's sits frozen in in time like a silent statue, alone in the cold while the world whirls past her." Just noticed this so slightly negative comment. "She's sits frozen" is a confusing phrase. I think you meant "She sits frozen." Otherwise, I like the image you're conveying about a silent statue being alone and detached from the world. It characterizes the emotion that the girl and the speaker are fighting against. Also, for me, the mention of a silent statue being alone evokes the image of a lonely graveyard, which helped me personally feel what you were trying to say about this emotion. "...while the world whirls past her," is a nice use of alliteration.
Line 2. "She's left isolated in her own thoughts, which trap her in a haze of screams. I move closer, catching the last glint in her eyes disappear." Once again, you emphasize that the girl is alone, but there is another. You've introduced the speaker, and there isn't any confusion in this introduction. I like the imagery of "a haze of screams." That was very well put.
Line 3. "I recognize the mask she wears; it's like staring into a jagged mirror of the past." Nice sentence change up with the semi-colon. This line is very important to me because it begins to colorize the theme. Up to this point, the reader only knows that someone is in pain and feels isolated. Now, the reader understands that the speaker has felt this pain, too, and perhaps that is why the speaker is drawn to this girl in pain. "...like staring into a jagged mirror of the past," is the key phrase, and it's rather nicely put.
Line 4. "In it I see the suffocation that the mask brought me along with a feeling of being too far down to stand back up." I've already made my comment on this line. The good thing about it is that it further explains to the reader that the speaker has felt the same pain that the girl has.
Line 5. "I've already been hurt. Why does she need to feel the same? Maybe I could reach out a hand to her, I could stop her falling again." I like the variation of the sentence structure here. It has a nice flow, and there is an order as the ideas transition and a clear thought is related. This line is basically a statement of the theme. If you've gone through something awful, then you know what it feels like and you know what this other person is going through, too; and why not help this other person out? I think this line is very essential to your poem and it was executed nicely for the most part.
Line 6. "And before my mind can echo the thoughts of my heart, I realize that maybe with her our hearts can become one." I admit, the first part of this sentence is somewhat confusing, but I get what you mean and I wouldn't necessarily change it completely if at all. While I already had my spill about the hearts becoming one, I like the idea that you put into this last line: that by helping someone else heal, you yourself can heal even if you thought you were already healed. In other words, a nice way to the end the poem.
Overall, a good poem with a few tiny issues. I love the emotion you're trying to convey, and I think you executed the theme fairly well.
P.S. It's good practice to never read a poem only once. I'm sure you've heard this before, but felt like sharing.
| Sarah-Brighteyes chapter 2 . 1/19/2013
These are beautiful pieces. Great imagery and smooth. I loved them. write on!
| Mylilblackpen chapter 3 . 1/18/2013
I like the additions made, very nice and talented. Great addition to an already great piece! :)
| FtXNn chapter 3 . 1/5/2013
Cool! :D hehe
| FtXNn chapter 2 . 1/5/2013
This really makes me think..as if it's talking to me! :D
| FtXNn chapter 1 . 1/5/2013
| CRAZEDbySUGAR chapter 3 . 1/3/2013
and...let the water works begin...
holy swiss cheese and crackers...you friend Sean is goooooooooood
this ties it all together quite nicely..
CbS doesn't know what to think anymoreXD
| PeNgUiNs lover98 chapter 3 . 12/25/2012
I love this so much. it is like the greatest thing I ever read. that how go it was. and most the story's I read or boreding but your stories are awesome. deep up the good work.
| MysteriousFire chapter 3 . 12/25/2012
I like the additions he made. Congrats to your friend! And to you, without you the story and this poem wouldn't have existed!
| MysteriousFire chapter 2 . 12/25/2012
I like the point of view change! It really makes it perfect.
I was wondering what you would do with the second chapter, but I surely didn't expect this.
It's so sad that she crossed out the two most important things in life in the dictionary in her mind (which is a really nice way to describe that btw). I feel sorry for her.
| MysteriousFire chapter 1 . 12/25/2012
Even though it's very short, I you say so much in this chapter! I like it very much.
And I can really recognise past-me in the girl.
| ChibiJinchuuriki chapter 3 . 12/24/2012
This last part of the story really fills you with a sense of faith and hope. I felt happy reading that last paragraph :)
| DarknessesDownfall chapter 3 . 12/23/2012
Your friend is very gifted! The flow is amazing and it pulls you in. I'm glad you posted it OAO my heart is feeling some more feels