Reviews for The Darkest Hell
VelvetyCheerio chapter 2 . 12/14/2012
Review courtesy of the Review Marathon. Link in my profile!

I felt like this chapter ended rather abruptly, like it was a thought that went unfinished. There was no hook here to make me want to know more, whether he lived or died or found the answers he would need to decipher Goodfellow's journals. I think if you revised this chapter it would be a good idea to throw in a hook at the end to leave the reader in a state of suspense.

The situation the narrator is in now is very delicate, but I like how the plot keeps on progressing. I feel like if too much time was spent looking at the detail of the forest or the water or whatever it would bog down the entire story. With this type of writing, I'm easily able to create whatever type of tribal, militant people I want. I can imagine the cannibalism and conjure up the types of horrors that I'm familiar with and the plot doesn't suffer for it.

I'm glad to have read this story. Keep on writing! :)

Velvet.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 1 . 12/14/2012
Review courtesy of the Review Marathon. Link in my profile!

Wow, your writing really reminds of "Heart of Darkness" by Conrad. It's that whole, going into the jungle on a boat thing that gets me, I guess. It's very creepy. But still, I think the way the narrator speaks is typical of the times, so you pulled that off really well. I actually felt like I was reading something from a scientific journal in 1899.

I do want to comment on your punctuation and sentence structure, though. Your ideas are smooth, and the story flows, but there are several things that stuck out to me as I read that started to distract me from the overall story.

[Strangely, Goodfellow had emptied his bank account and sold his house before he'd departed on his final expedition, a part of me whispered that he knew he wasn't going to return.] A semi-colon after "expedition" would make this sentence flow better. Or, you could just end the sentence there and have two completely separate sentences.

[But I don't have the foggiest honestly," I nodded again to the professor] The comma should be a period. You tend to do this a lot with your dialogue. I suggest going back over this chapter and editing out all this mistakes in the dialogue.

[I sincerely doubt anyone else in the hemisphere could've even found a comparison for…this"] Again, here's another example. There should be a period at the end, after "'this'".

[His cheeks were rosy-red and he was puffing contentedly on a pipe his anger had disappeared quite suddenly] I'm not sure what you were trying to say with this sentence.

And you have this Dr. Lewis's name spelled "Lewis" in one instance, but then "Lewiss" in every other mention of his name. Are those typos or did you forget to tag on the extra s the first time?

This has certainly been an interesting start. I'm worried for the narrator.

Velvet.
Krystal Watters chapter 2 . 12/9/2012
Sorry for the delay in the review. This chapter is sufficiently creepy and disturbing, but I'm not sure how this brings us closer to the protagonist's goal. It seems like he's mostly just wandering in bloody Africa and then becomes a hostage of sorts, which could be leading him away from his goal ...
Krystal Watters chapter 1 . 11/28/2012
1st prg: "a man I'd thought dead " - is there a reason for us to suspect that he's not dead?

"I quickly realized, as I read Goodfellow's papers..." - part of me wants to see your character settle down and sort through the papers. It will give your reader a chance to see the surroundings. At this early in the story, it sounds a bit victorian in tone, as a reader I want to know if the setting matches it. Also, are the papers orderly or dissordered? that would give us an idea of Goodfellow's character. Sometimes subtle characterization is better than bluntly stating that he was paranoid, etc.

"I don't know what drove me to buy a ticket on a ship heading to Cape Town..." - seems a bit abrupt in the narrative. Did he do this directly after seeing the Prof? Did he wait a few days? Can we have some sort of hint as to what caused him to take such a drastic trip (especially if this is in the Victorian era)

"a neatly clipped moustaches" - isn't moustache singular?

"The following day, I took the train to the university which I taught at." - should probably be part of the next paragraph.

A definite creepy setting, but I feel the pace is a little fast and the description a little sparce.

Just my two cents though.
Felrain chapter 2 . 11/26/2012
Very interesting, update soon!