|Reviews for More Than Meets the Eye|
| Helen Cole chapter 16 . 2/13
I like the line "Head warrior, err pete" - reminds the reader that it's not just a narrator and makes it sound more like her. Nice touch. Lines like this and when she said the demolitions expert was really going to make her day.
You changed tenses in the 2nd sentence of the 2nd paragraph.
I appreciate that you reintroduced some of the characters rather than just saying their names and assuming we remember who they are. That makes it a lot easier to read, without having to turn back to the previous chapter. Gizmo's name really seems to suit him, by the way.
It seems you have this story very well planned out because you have an expert involved in each area. Some stories just make the main character amazingly great at everything, which simply isn't realistic and can be annoying. I like that you have an explanation for everything to make it real. I'm very jealous because you wrote somewhere that you didn't even need to put much thought to this story. :)
When she said she overestimated the flight time, I wondered if maybe they were falling into a trap, going to the wrong place or something. hmm...?
I like this line "allowed the exhaustion to overcome me as I drifted to sleep" Perfect explanation, and that line actually made me feel tired and want to take a nap. haha :)
I'm confused about the line where she's reading Agent Delta's facial expression. Isn't he always wearing a mask? Has she seen his face now? (Did you already reveal that? I can't remember)
I will have to finish reading this chapter later when I have time to finish it. Good chapter so far. I wonder why he's sulking. hmm...
| Helen Cole chapter 15 . 2/9
I keep forgetting to sign my reviews, but that last one was from me as well.
I think you conveyed the awkward tension between Rachel and agent Delta.
I was thinking :It would be helpful to know when he's wearing a mask? Is it all the time, or has she ever seen his face, that we know of? Then the next line down conveyed that, as if you read my mind.
Agent Elvira sounds beautiful. Excellent description there, leading with pretty being an understatement, and details proving why this is the case. Nicely done. That being said, you don't need the line that says she's absolutely gorgeous. It's made redundant by your detailed description. Only writing that isn't up to par with the needed description requires such a phrase. And yours doesn't need it.
The last line is brilliant-about nodding her head because she didn't trust her voice.
Hmm.. Do i sense that Pete has a crush on Rachel? (Why do I always assume that in this book? Haha) maybe there will be jealousy between him and Agent Delta?
So far I like the new characters you have added. It's smart to have added them later in the story, as you did, now that we're well acquainted with the pre-existing characters. It makes it less confusing.
Good chapter, could use a few little grammar edits.
| Guest chapter 14 . 2/2
I like your description of the room and all the detail. Beautifully done.
I'm not a fan of the sexual references, like the bulge in his pants. It also seems unnecessary. We already know what he wants without having to go there. A lot of this chapter goes a too far for my liking. And I think it probably teeters on the edge of a T rating.
I do like that she can feel the muscles on agent delta's chest and I like that he carries her to the car. AndI love the mention of the rose.
You always throw in a little hook on the last line of the chapter. I love that!
| Helen Cole chapter 13 . 2/2
In my last review, I meant to say, a person like him wouldn't. I didn't mean Rachel. I meant Mr. Hill
| Helen Cole chapter 13 . 2/2
I am in LOVE with this chapter! I listened to the music as I read and really added to the feel of the chapter.
The guy sure sounds dreamy! mmm... I hope it ends up being the guardian.
At one point, she says "I smiled sweetly at me" instaed of "he smiled"
I like taht he tells her Hill won't be able to resist her and he can see why. With such reluctance from him about her going inside, it's gotta be the guardian. (I hope)
The last line made me uncomfortable, and I also hope he doesn't try to go there, but I can't see how a person like her wouldn't.
| Helen Cole chapter 12 . 2/1
Starting this chaoter thinking "yay! The concert!"
This chapter seems more poetic overall than those previous and I really like the details, as well as the tone throughout the chapter.
She sounds beautiful! I loved the description and there's no wondering what she looks like. However, you may want to say the shadowy look is to make her eyes pop, not pop "out".
Wow! Rachel even wore heels? And owns a pair? Haha i love that she just shrugs about her appearance in the mirror. That's so like her. I really feel like I know her.
Yay! This chapter has everything I was hoping for. Although i was unhappy when he asked for her name. Does that mean it's not the guardian that asked her to dance? Ugh!
Ok, I'm officially hooked. :) loving it so far
| Helen Cole chapter 11 . 2/1
"Exactly like what Agent Moore suggested" - you can remove "what"
That line confused me because at first I thought she was saying it, so it might be helpful to say one of them said it.
You explained the room very similarly in the last chapter wherein you described it, slightly making one wonder if they'd already read this part. But you mentioned it was a repetition and Then you said it felt like dejavu, which tied in nicely because it really did. I don't know if you did that on purpose but I enjoyed it.
"Revealed to me his newly familiar form" has a nice ring to it and brings that emotion that she's slightly drawn to him.
It makes me kind of bummed to realize maybe the guardian didn't want a date and just wanted to investigate. But I'm sure you're trying to lead the reader to feel that way. You sure know how to guide your readers to how you want them to feel or what you want them to believe. Then when he insist only the two of them need to go, it brings a spark of hope for some romance, haha
I take back my guess about him being the mole, the phantoms seem to make him pretty angry.
Nice hook at the end of the chapter. I'd decided this would be may last chapter to read for the day, but now I have to figure out why he would do that. You know what you're doing. :)
| Helen cole chapter 9 . 2/1
Just wanted to add a few more things about this chapter. I hadn't realized she was actually out on the balcony until you said she went back inside.
I LOVE that you keep the guardian so mysterious. Even when she's finally talking to him and looking at him, his face is in the dark. I swear he's already fallen for her when he does things like touch her hair. I can't wait for the masquerade part! I hope she goes.
| Helen Cole chapter 9 . 2/1
You can disregard the part in my other review about missing this information. Apparently I had skipped a chapter.
I like that Rachel, as tough as she is, pulls out her mother's necklace every night. Very touching without needing a lot of description.
I like the memory she shares about her dad feeling freedom when he's in the air and he uses the model planes to remind him of that. Nice touch. Very sentimental, as well as the fact the necklace has been passed down for generations.
"The memories brought a sad smile to my face" -this line is perfect!
I think my favorite line in your whole story so far: "a rebellious lone tear slipped past my defenses, and a wet rail slithered down my cheek" -almost gives me goosebumps!
Ok, so I must say I just love the guardian! He just seems so dreamy, and then he goes and notices things, like the fact her hair is down. If we as readers are supposed to like him, you have certainly done your job. I love their growing relationship and how he makes her feel.
Hmm... I've been trying to figure out why they're trying to kill her or maybe didn't on purpose at the gardens. I'm going to throw out a guess in the dark, mostly because I have really enjoyed your reviews for me when you have told me your guess as to why something happened or what would happen next. Here goes: maybe the guardian is a mole and they're trying to switch him over to become a phantom, but while he's been watching her, he's fallen for her and doesn't want to betray her. And maybe he protected her at the gardens when they tried. They're trying to kill her because she's his weakness and that's why the guy asks about collateral damage in the next chapter. He wants her to kill the guardian. I'm sure I'm way off but I've been trying to guess and that's what I've come up with. Haha I hope you've found it amusing.
| Helen Cole chapter 10 . 2/1
I like how she says an explosion would ruin her day. I found that funny and so like her
I like the phrase "really pack a punch"
"Afterwards my momentary admiration" could just be "after my momentary admiration" her bike sounds sweet! Nice touch having Rachel call it "my girl" - loved that!
I really liked the paragraph about her feeling free.
"Where was he getting at with this" should be either "what was he getting at" or "where was he going with this"
Something about " I looked around in alert" doesn't sound right. Maybe "I looked around attentively"?
I'v recently learned we can use the word "that" much less than we think we can. If you search for "that" in your document, you can evaluate each one and whether it is needed.
"I told you everything that I know" could do without "that" -while this phrase needs it: "so now that we're done..."
It seems to me the guardian hasn't already invited her in this updated version. Did I miss a chapter maybe?
It bugs me that he asks her about collateral damage. I don't mean that in regards to how it's written. I mean it as a reader and you get a sense that he's got something up his sleeve. You do a great job at making the reader sense that and keeping us always on Rachel's side. Nicely done. Makes you hate him before you even know him.
You did say she fought the urge to snap at hi, and phrased it the same way twice. Maybe try mixing it up. I recently read an article where they suggested trying not to use the same descriptive word twice on the same page. Harder than it seems.
Hmm.. Could the guardian be the mole? I sure hope not.
I'm really liking this chapter so far, especially when she kicks that guy's trash!
| Guest chapter 8 . 1/27
I like the phrase about wiping off imaginary dust because she's uncomfortable.
I think he knew of the classified mission because he was following her already. Maybe?
What did his attire look like without the cloaks? His build?
I love this chapter- how you can sense she thinks he's hot or something and you lead the reader to believe that as well. He's very likable and a strong character. Nicely done. Is this chapter new?
Did he drive with the mask on?
| Helen Cole chapter 7 . 1/27
i'd love to hear more of a description of the phantoms. Why are they dark figures? Are the dark and wispy like a ghost, are the humanlike and dressed in black (my guess) or are they dressed like ninjas? Jk. I can see why you didn't describe them in more detail here, as it would have taken away from the fast pace in this chapter.
Man Rachel really knows how to kick someone's trash! I can see this as a scene in a movie.
"Aim the gun that was flung during my fall at me" i understand what you mean, but it just doesn't sound right. You might want to rearrange that sentence.
Love this line! Poetic: "he came towards me, the sound of his heeled boots sliced through the thick silence"
You can just say "befall me" you don't need "on" in that phrase
Great intro to the guardian. Did you add more detail to his introduction than was there before?
| Helen Cole chapter 7 . 1/27
"To let me in peace" doesn't make sense. Maybe "leave me in peace" instead?
When you say " they sent a guardian of all people to protect me" do you mean she can't believe they sent a guardian of all people, or does you mean, of all people to protect, they sent a guardian for her? The former implies they may otherwise have sent someone other than a guardian to protect her.
"As least the directors" change to "at"
This chapter reveals just how engrossed she is in her missions. She doesn't even know what to do with herself when she's not working. You portrayed this excellently.
"Bullet I just dodged" might be better as "had just dodged" since it happened a while ago. Same with "there was a brief announcement" - could be: "there had been"
I'm liking this chapter so far but will be splitting this review in half because I need to go
| Guest chapter 6 . 1/27
"Faster as before I knew it" could be and instead of as. It might flow better that way.
"The exact shade of grey" i'm not sure what that means.
I like this line: "Too clean, I thought with certain distaste"
Remove the s on "Tells us what's on your mind"
"Thankfully I didn't get that feeling where I was as I sat..." You could just say " Thankfully I didn't get that feeling now as I sat..." Maybe? (Or is that switching tense? The sentence just seems too wordy)
I like the way you express emotion through her actions, "I stiffened a bit"
I didn't recall someone leading her away from the blast. Do you mean a "phantom" she was following?
This chapter is pretty repetitive from the last one but I like reading it twice so it's firmly in my mind. i try to do this in my book because it reminds the reader of important details.
Here's my guess, based on the fact I've read ahead of this chapter. I think the guardian had already been following her and protected her because he's in love with her and she'll come to realize that as she gets to know him? just my guess.
| Helen cole chapter 5 . 1/20
This must be a chapter you added, or I missed this last time. This one isn't familiar to me. I like it. This chapter is a great hook because it leads the reader to read more to find out why such a peculiar thing happened.
"I personally have never been to the pub before" should be had instead of have, in keeping with the tense of this story. (I'm much more aware of that since you taught me about that in my story).
"I fought hard not to demand if the head warrior was messing with me" i think this line is unnecessary. I think it's evident that he's being serious and means well.