|Reviews for Silent Shadows|
| TheSilentWitness chapter 2 . 10/27/2014
I seem to recall a rather dramatic display of violence involving a Glock and an alarm clock which you seem to have since removed, was that because you wanted to present a different first impression of Rachel? Or was it simply that you found it to be unnecessary or unfitting for the kind of story you wanted?
"No sign of forced entry or..." And on that note, I'm not sure something like this could be explicitly assumed to be an assassination without any further investigation, so perhaps terming it as something more general would be better?
"Or is that so?" strikes me as a little odd as a phrase, perhaps something more along the lines of "Or is this really the case?" is what you're looking for?
Funny that a flashback would occur without any sort of trigger, is this some sort of reoccurring affliction for Rachel? Seems like it would put her under a lot of emotional duress if this sort of thing was chronic, especially coupled with the stress of being a field operative. Rachel seems to have lost some of the fire that she used to have in previous iterations of this chapter, whether that's intentional or not is up to you I guess; its not a bad change per say though, she certainly seems more mature.
| TheSilentWitness chapter 1 . 10/23/2014
This reads a lot more smoothly than the last time I glanced over this; looks like you've gone over with some edits since I last brushed up on this story. Some nice work there.
Never commented on it before, but electric blue eyes must involve some real strange compounds in the molecular makeup, some kind of synthetic polymer of some sort perhaps? Seem's as though such iris colouration might come with some drawbacks like sensitivity to light, but hey, what do I know.
Bit of a laugh at the star wars esque reference of allowing emotions to be too controlling; there's the somewhat common misguided/misrepresented goal of bringing peace or unity, whatever the costs that you sometimes see in villains or antagonists, I'm interested to see what kind of backstory or reasoning you design for it in case you come up with a way in which the reader becomes sympathetic to these Phantoms.
Some small catches like "The leader then flicked the smoke aside...", the 'then' in that part of the sentence being somewhat redundant.
Been working on trying to complete a first draft of my novel myself so I can go through preliminary edits so I'm sorry if I'm not overly helpful, just thought I'd stop by and say hi while I have a spare moment.
| Helen Cole chapter 23 . 4/10/2014
As always, here are my reactions as I read:
Woo! Delta's firm chest (lol)
I like that you reiterate that Pete and the head warrior are the same person, so readers don't get lost and mistake them for two separate people.
"everyone else were already waiting" should be everyone else "was" waiting. The word everyone is a singular word representing everyone as a whole.
"The room was thick with anticipation" I can see what you're saying here and I like the concept you are trying to portray, but I think it could be more effectively executed, maybe more detail or something. For example, you later say, "A heavy silence fell upon us like a thick blanket." which was perfectly executed. That kind of imagery would serve well regarding the anticipation.
At one point you call it the Shroud, and later you call it the Shard.
"I let out a long breath I hadn't realized I was holding" I really like this line. It says a lot about Rachel's emotion in very few words.
"Mr Hill informed us with more information" is redundant. You could maybe say he provided them with more information
"Predator stared back at fear, and realized what he did. " I can't figure out what this means.
Fear's character kind of confuses me. For some reason I didn't realize until now that he also wears a mask. I found it a little odd that Rachel mouths to Agent Delta that she would tell him later, but what will she tell him that he didn't already see. As an audience, I think it would help us to know what she means by that. It was also a little off to me that she would mouth that to him while everyone was in the room watching her. I'm sure this isn't how it pans out in your mind, and just needs to be portrayed.
Ah! Why does she call him friend!? Wrong signals! jk
It's ok because I accidentally saw that he kisses her hands later in the chapter! I was scrolling to add to the review and accidentally saw it. (way to ruin the anticipation for myself)
Ah! again I accidentally saw the last line that they kiss! urgh - I missed it! haha
Woah! right for the tongue, huh?
I love the romance between them, yet I'm a little uncomfortable reading the part about the bed so I skipped the last few paragraphs, but I get the idea. I think with some of the details, this should probably be an M rating, rather than a T. That's just my opinion.
I'm glad they're FINALLY together.
| Helen Cole chapter 22 . 4/7/2014
Again, here are my reactions as I read:
Of course her heart was pounding. MY heart was fluttering just reading about it in the last chapter. But I'm worried about the guardian being the double agent or something.
I like that you sometimes call him Gizmo, and other times refer to him as the Tech Expert, to remind us of his role. That's perfect when there are a lot of characters to follow.
I'm not sure what he means about the wound being superficial.
I was kind of confused when she read the message on the pager. I thought the message said for gizmo to tell everyone to meet in the conference room. Then I realized she was telling Gizmo that after reading the message. Maybe split those lines up somehow.
When the head warrior said for them to enjoy some brief time off-duty, that made me so excited! That leaves more time for Rachel and agent Delta to get to know each other better and have a little romance! Ooh la la (hopefully) I'm so addicted and I love this between them!
I think Predator may be in love with Diana.
| Helen Cole chapter 21 . 4/6/2014
I just read my last review and I sound like an idiot! lol I must have been trying to say I added another chapter and my phone's autocorrect typed "soothe chapter" and for some reason I did it twice. Oy! (rolls eyes)
Anyway, onto my review. I'll type in my reactions as I read.
Yes! I knew the phantom agent was the nurse! I am so glad they saved her and I was hoping that's who she was. That's a good point that she may have had other motives for saving him. I like that as a writer, you can view things from many different angled in order to portray each character.
You've depicted the sorrow of each person after the briefing very well, and I could almost hear background music during the little peptalk. It was nice having some insight into each person's lives and why they are there. But the assassin... kind of creepy. I wasn't expecting that answer from him.
I'm kind of finding it hard to follow each character so I loved that you provide the debriefing. It just helped to recap what just happened in case we missed anything important as readers, and fills any holes we may have forgotten.
There's a lot going on in this chapter and it can be kind of confusing. I am lost as far as the chip in the seekers and making clones and how that works, and why they do it that way.
I thought "austin" wasn't in the interrogation room, and then he spoke up.
I was confused about Rachel touching the guardian's cheek. Was he wearing a mask?
Ah! yay! She's taking off the mask!
Ugh! No! Darned pager!
Oh my gosh! I love the last line!
(I hate when people double up on exclamation points, but I feel they're necessary in this case! I've been waiting a long time for this. haha)
| Helen Cole chapter 19 . 3/21/2014
Very intense chapter! Yet quite a few cliches as well.
I looked the comment about how Fear finding hear bearable made her happy.
It was a little hard to understand the setup of where they were.
I am interested in this phantom girl and her evidently having morals. I wonder if she was the nurse that rescued the guy earlier in the story? Hmm
I added another chapter to mine. :)
I added soothe chapter
| Helen Cole chapter 18 . 3/17/2014
I found it odd that she didn't realize right away that he was trying to save his mother. Her wondering what she was doing didn't seem very realistic.
I was excited to find out more about how the two feel about each other but I feel like it came about at a really odd time when he would have been more concerned with his mother. What happened with her, did she remain unresponsive?
I have a hard time picturing agent delta. What does his mask look like and how much of his face does it cover?
| Helen Cole chapter 17 . 3/12/2014
When the assassin speaks, the language you have him use is very realistic character.
You word things so beautifully. "A light echo of chuckles raptured the uneasy silence of the room"
I like the line "a symbol of hope in this dark battle" I hope that surgeon will come up later on in the story and perhaps be rescued as well?
I liked the line about her breaking down to hug him. That was cute.
The thought of them passing the containers was so eerie to me. What a twist a the end! Is it actually his mother or a clone?
(I updated "On the Other End of the Phone" with a couple new chapters. I'd love to hear your reaction.) Thanks again for everything!
| Helen Cole chapter 16 . 2/13/2014
I like the line "Head warrior, err pete" - reminds the reader that it's not just a narrator and makes it sound more like her. Nice touch. Lines like this and when she said the demolitions expert was really going to make her day.
You changed tenses in the 2nd sentence of the 2nd paragraph.
I appreciate that you reintroduced some of the characters rather than just saying their names and assuming we remember who they are. That makes it a lot easier to read, without having to turn back to the previous chapter. Gizmo's name really seems to suit him, by the way.
It seems you have this story very well planned out because you have an expert involved in each area. Some stories just make the main character amazingly great at everything, which simply isn't realistic and can be annoying. I like that you have an explanation for everything to make it real. I'm very jealous because you wrote somewhere that you didn't even need to put much thought to this story. :)
When she said she overestimated the flight time, I wondered if maybe they were falling into a trap, going to the wrong place or something. hmm...?
I like this line "allowed the exhaustion to overcome me as I drifted to sleep" Perfect explanation, and that line actually made me feel tired and want to take a nap. haha :)
I'm confused about the line where she's reading Agent Delta's facial expression. Isn't he always wearing a mask? Has she seen his face now? (Did you already reveal that? I can't remember)
I will have to finish reading this chapter later when I have time to finish it. Good chapter so far. I wonder why he's sulking. hmm...
| Helen Cole chapter 15 . 2/9/2014
I keep forgetting to sign my reviews, but that last one was from me as well.
I think you conveyed the awkward tension between Rachel and agent Delta.
I was thinking :It would be helpful to know when he's wearing a mask? Is it all the time, or has she ever seen his face, that we know of? Then the next line down conveyed that, as if you read my mind.
Agent Elvira sounds beautiful. Excellent description there, leading with pretty being an understatement, and details proving why this is the case. Nicely done. That being said, you don't need the line that says she's absolutely gorgeous. It's made redundant by your detailed description. Only writing that isn't up to par with the needed description requires such a phrase. And yours doesn't need it.
The last line is brilliant-about nodding her head because she didn't trust her voice.
Hmm.. Do i sense that Pete has a crush on Rachel? (Why do I always assume that in this book? Haha) maybe there will be jealousy between him and Agent Delta?
So far I like the new characters you have added. It's smart to have added them later in the story, as you did, now that we're well acquainted with the pre-existing characters. It makes it less confusing.
Good chapter, could use a few little grammar edits.
| Guest chapter 14 . 2/2/2014
I like your description of the room and all the detail. Beautifully done.
I'm not a fan of the sexual references, like the bulge in his pants. It also seems unnecessary. We already know what he wants without having to go there. A lot of this chapter goes a too far for my liking. And I think it probably teeters on the edge of a T rating.
I do like that she can feel the muscles on agent delta's chest and I like that he carries her to the car. AndI love the mention of the rose.
You always throw in a little hook on the last line of the chapter. I love that!
| Helen Cole chapter 13 . 2/2/2014
In my last review, I meant to say, a person like him wouldn't. I didn't mean Rachel. I meant Mr. Hill
| Helen Cole chapter 13 . 2/2/2014
I am in LOVE with this chapter! I listened to the music as I read and really added to the feel of the chapter.
The guy sure sounds dreamy! mmm... I hope it ends up being the guardian.
At one point, she says "I smiled sweetly at me" instaed of "he smiled"
I like taht he tells her Hill won't be able to resist her and he can see why. With such reluctance from him about her going inside, it's gotta be the guardian. (I hope)
The last line made me uncomfortable, and I also hope he doesn't try to go there, but I can't see how a person like her wouldn't.
| Helen Cole chapter 12 . 2/1/2014
Starting this chaoter thinking "yay! The concert!"
This chapter seems more poetic overall than those previous and I really like the details, as well as the tone throughout the chapter.
She sounds beautiful! I loved the description and there's no wondering what she looks like. However, you may want to say the shadowy look is to make her eyes pop, not pop "out".
Wow! Rachel even wore heels? And owns a pair? Haha i love that she just shrugs about her appearance in the mirror. That's so like her. I really feel like I know her.
Yay! This chapter has everything I was hoping for. Although i was unhappy when he asked for her name. Does that mean it's not the guardian that asked her to dance? Ugh!
Ok, I'm officially hooked. :) loving it so far
| Helen Cole chapter 11 . 2/1/2014
"Exactly like what Agent Moore suggested" - you can remove "what"
That line confused me because at first I thought she was saying it, so it might be helpful to say one of them said it.
You explained the room very similarly in the last chapter wherein you described it, slightly making one wonder if they'd already read this part. But you mentioned it was a repetition and Then you said it felt like dejavu, which tied in nicely because it really did. I don't know if you did that on purpose but I enjoyed it.
"Revealed to me his newly familiar form" has a nice ring to it and brings that emotion that she's slightly drawn to him.
It makes me kind of bummed to realize maybe the guardian didn't want a date and just wanted to investigate. But I'm sure you're trying to lead the reader to feel that way. You sure know how to guide your readers to how you want them to feel or what you want them to believe. Then when he insist only the two of them need to go, it brings a spark of hope for some romance, haha
I take back my guess about him being the mole, the phantoms seem to make him pretty angry.
Nice hook at the end of the chapter. I'd decided this would be may last chapter to read for the day, but now I have to figure out why he would do that. You know what you're doing. :)