|Reviews for More Than Meets the Eye|
| Helen Cole chapter 10 . 2/1
I like how she says an explosion would ruin her day. I found that funny and so like her
I like the phrase "really pack a punch"
"Afterwards my momentary admiration" could just be "after my momentary admiration" her bike sounds sweet! Nice touch having Rachel call it "my girl" - loved that!
I really liked the paragraph about her feeling free.
"Where was he getting at with this" should be either "what was he getting at" or "where was he going with this"
Something about " I looked around in alert" doesn't sound right. Maybe "I looked around attentively"?
I'v recently learned we can use the word "that" much less than we think we can. If you search for "that" in your document, you can evaluate each one and whether it is needed.
"I told you everything that I know" could do without "that" -while this phrase needs it: "so now that we're done..."
It seems to me the guardian hasn't already invited her in this updated version. Did I miss a chapter maybe?
It bugs me that he asks her about collateral damage. I don't mean that in regards to how it's written. I mean it as a reader and you get a sense that he's got something up his sleeve. You do a great job at making the reader sense that and keeping us always on Rachel's side. Nicely done. Makes you hate him before you even know him.
You did say she fought the urge to snap at hi, and phrased it the same way twice. Maybe try mixing it up. I recently read an article where they suggested trying not to use the same descriptive word twice on the same page. Harder than it seems.
Hmm.. Could the guardian be the mole? I sure hope not.
I'm really liking this chapter so far, especially when she kicks that guy's trash!
| Guest chapter 8 . 1/27
I like the phrase about wiping off imaginary dust because she's uncomfortable.
I think he knew of the classified mission because he was following her already. Maybe?
What did his attire look like without the cloaks? His build?
I love this chapter- how you can sense she thinks he's hot or something and you lead the reader to believe that as well. He's very likable and a strong character. Nicely done. Is this chapter new?
Did he drive with the mask on?
| Helen Cole chapter 7 . 1/27
i'd love to hear more of a description of the phantoms. Why are they dark figures? Are the dark and wispy like a ghost, are the humanlike and dressed in black (my guess) or are they dressed like ninjas? Jk. I can see why you didn't describe them in more detail here, as it would have taken away from the fast pace in this chapter.
Man Rachel really knows how to kick someone's trash! I can see this as a scene in a movie.
"Aim the gun that was flung during my fall at me" i understand what you mean, but it just doesn't sound right. You might want to rearrange that sentence.
Love this line! Poetic: "he came towards me, the sound of his heeled boots sliced through the thick silence"
You can just say "befall me" you don't need "on" in that phrase
Great intro to the guardian. Did you add more detail to his introduction than was there before?
| Helen Cole chapter 7 . 1/27
"To let me in peace" doesn't make sense. Maybe "leave me in peace" instead?
When you say " they sent a guardian of all people to protect me" do you mean she can't believe they sent a guardian of all people, or does you mean, of all people to protect, they sent a guardian for her? The former implies they may otherwise have sent someone other than a guardian to protect her.
"As least the directors" change to "at"
This chapter reveals just how engrossed she is in her missions. She doesn't even know what to do with herself when she's not working. You portrayed this excellently.
"Bullet I just dodged" might be better as "had just dodged" since it happened a while ago. Same with "there was a brief announcement" - could be: "there had been"
I'm liking this chapter so far but will be splitting this review in half because I need to go
| Guest chapter 6 . 1/27
"Faster as before I knew it" could be and instead of as. It might flow better that way.
"The exact shade of grey" i'm not sure what that means.
I like this line: "Too clean, I thought with certain distaste"
Remove the s on "Tells us what's on your mind"
"Thankfully I didn't get that feeling where I was as I sat..." You could just say " Thankfully I didn't get that feeling now as I sat..." Maybe? (Or is that switching tense? The sentence just seems too wordy)
I like the way you express emotion through her actions, "I stiffened a bit"
I didn't recall someone leading her away from the blast. Do you mean a "phantom" she was following?
This chapter is pretty repetitive from the last one but I like reading it twice so it's firmly in my mind. i try to do this in my book because it reminds the reader of important details.
Here's my guess, based on the fact I've read ahead of this chapter. I think the guardian had already been following her and protected her because he's in love with her and she'll come to realize that as she gets to know him? just my guess.
| Helen cole chapter 5 . 1/20
This must be a chapter you added, or I missed this last time. This one isn't familiar to me. I like it. This chapter is a great hook because it leads the reader to read more to find out why such a peculiar thing happened.
"I personally have never been to the pub before" should be had instead of have, in keeping with the tense of this story. (I'm much more aware of that since you taught me about that in my story).
"I fought hard not to demand if the head warrior was messing with me" i think this line is unnecessary. I think it's evident that he's being serious and means well.
| Helen Cole chapter 4 . 1/19
You do a great job at providing details of the room, without boringly saying: the room was white with a window, and a bed with equipment by it. Or just saying it was a hospital. I like that the audience can come to the conclusion with her. Great imagery, especially adding the scent of springtime.
"I couldn't believe at how much effort" You don't need the "at".
"I contemplated on getting out of my bed" you don't need "on"
Good call on saying "seeker" head warrior, as this is the first time you're introducing the title of a warrior, so we know that they're not enemies.
You tend to use "a sense" unnecessarily. "There seemed to have been a sense of concern hidden in it" could just be "there seemed to have been concern hidden in it."
I liked the comment about kissing wounds. It made me smile and fits the main character's personality. Good character development.
| Helen Cole chapter 3 . 1/19
This chapter was intense for me because I remembered what would happen, from the last time I read it, but I couldn't remember when, so the anticipation was killing me. I think this really work in a movie -hearing the click click, so the audience realizes what's going to happen before it does. Intense!
Gun occupied hand should be gun-occupied hand.
You describe madison square garden very well, its sheer magnificence. I've never been there, but now I feel like I have.
I like how you explained phantoms while moving the story along by using her thoughts to describe it, rather than just giving a history. I like that the phantoms are appropriately named.
| Helen Cole chapter 2 . 1/19
I can see the beginning if this chapter like the opening scene of a movie. Great setup here!
I like how she blames the phone call on the universe
Instead of 360 degrees, it should be 180. 360 implies you're back where you started.
This whole time I've been thinking this was a girl, but you mentioned a "bachelor" pad. Do i have this wrong?
How awful that they took the family and that signs of struggle were apparent. That would be awful to fin but i'm glad that part of it provided strength.
How awful to see your family in that way, would be heartbreaking seeing their bodies taken over.
| Helen Cole chapter 1 . 1/19
As promised, I have started reading this again. I'm glad I started over, to refresh my memory. In my pm to you, I said I wished I could review each chapter again and I just realized, Duh! I can if i log out.
On to my review...
I think i mentioned this last time i reviewed, but it maybe helpful to indicate the main character's gender and age in the first chapter so the audience isn't creating the wrong image in their mind from the beginning. I hadn't done this in my story but i read someone's recently that just reminded me how refreshing it is to know that from the get-go.
I was a little confused in this chapter but i think that is part of what keeps you reading. What does it mean, "he had his eyes"?
I liked the phrase "his choice of words were weapons on my frail spirit"
| Helen Cole chapter 11 . 10/18/2013
I like your word choice: a curt nod.
I'm officially hooked on this story now! I was so worried in the last chapter because I'm convinced the guardian is her love interest and I don't want him to be the spy. But now it seems like he isn't... Or maybe he is?
| Helen Cole chapter 10 . 10/18/2013
The magnum and the bike seem to fit her personality perfectly! You've really painted a picture of her personality.
Change "afterwards"my momentary admiration, to just "after"
I'm dying to hear your thoughts on the last two chapters from "on the Other End of the Phone"!, :)
| Helen Cole chapter 9 . 10/18/2013
Wow! Six hours at the gym -she's intense! Seems like it fits her personality. But i like that we still see a tender side of her nobody else sees, like when she pulls out her mother's necklace.
I love this line: "a wet trail slithered down my cheek"
I don't understand why there was a tap on the window and then suddenly he was inside behind her? I must be misunderstanding the logistics.
At first I imagined her guardian as some old guy, but maybe he'll be her love interest?
"Faze" should be "phase" i think.
A maquerade will be so fun to read about! Can't wait.
I have added a few chapters of "On the Other End of the Phone". I'd love to have more of your feedback and I finally added pm, at least to try it out.
| RunningwithShadows chapter 4 . 10/13/2013
Hmm, I like that you're gradually building the suspense of the main conflict. It's an interesting guessing game that keeps the reader wanting more. If I might make a suggestion. We don't seem to know too much about you're character at this point. We know her back story and what she is but not really who she is. I'm not sure if this was intentional but maybe include more of her internal thoughts along the way? Especially because this is in first-person, and we have more access to her mind and stream of conscious. If that makes sense haha. Anyway, good job, on to the next.
| RunningwithShadows chapter 3 . 10/13/2013
Nice build up and good scene. It'll be interesting to see what happens.