|Reviews for More Than Meets the Eye|
| Helen Cole chapter 4 . 1/19
You do a great job at providing details of the room, without boringly saying: the room was white with a window, and a bed with equipment by it. Or just saying it was a hospital. I like that the audience can come to the conclusion with her. Great imagery, especially adding the scent of springtime.
"I couldn't believe at how much effort" You don't need the "at".
"I contemplated on getting out of my bed" you don't need "on"
Good call on saying "seeker" head warrior, as this is the first time you're introducing the title of a warrior, so we know that they're not enemies.
You tend to use "a sense" unnecessarily. "There seemed to have been a sense of concern hidden in it" could just be "there seemed to have been concern hidden in it."
I liked the comment about kissing wounds. It made me smile and fits the main character's personality. Good character development.
| Helen Cole chapter 3 . 1/19
This chapter was intense for me because I remembered what would happen, from the last time I read it, but I couldn't remember when, so the anticipation was killing me. I think this really work in a movie -hearing the click click, so the audience realizes what's going to happen before it does. Intense!
Gun occupied hand should be gun-occupied hand.
You describe madison square garden very well, its sheer magnificence. I've never been there, but now I feel like I have.
I like how you explained phantoms while moving the story along by using her thoughts to describe it, rather than just giving a history. I like that the phantoms are appropriately named.
| Helen Cole chapter 2 . 1/19
I can see the beginning if this chapter like the opening scene of a movie. Great setup here!
I like how she blames the phone call on the universe
Instead of 360 degrees, it should be 180. 360 implies you're back where you started.
This whole time I've been thinking this was a girl, but you mentioned a "bachelor" pad. Do i have this wrong?
How awful that they took the family and that signs of struggle were apparent. That would be awful to fin but i'm glad that part of it provided strength.
How awful to see your family in that way, would be heartbreaking seeing their bodies taken over.
| Helen Cole chapter 1 . 1/19
As promised, I have started reading this again. I'm glad I started over, to refresh my memory. In my pm to you, I said I wished I could review each chapter again and I just realized, Duh! I can if i log out.
On to my review...
I think i mentioned this last time i reviewed, but it maybe helpful to indicate the main character's gender and age in the first chapter so the audience isn't creating the wrong image in their mind from the beginning. I hadn't done this in my story but i read someone's recently that just reminded me how refreshing it is to know that from the get-go.
I was a little confused in this chapter but i think that is part of what keeps you reading. What does it mean, "he had his eyes"?
I liked the phrase "his choice of words were weapons on my frail spirit"
| Helen Cole chapter 11 . 10/18/2013
I like your word choice: a curt nod.
I'm officially hooked on this story now! I was so worried in the last chapter because I'm convinced the guardian is her love interest and I don't want him to be the spy. But now it seems like he isn't... Or maybe he is?
| Helen Cole chapter 10 . 10/18/2013
The magnum and the bike seem to fit her personality perfectly! You've really painted a picture of her personality.
Change "afterwards"my momentary admiration, to just "after"
I'm dying to hear your thoughts on the last two chapters from "on the Other End of the Phone"!, :)
| Helen Cole chapter 9 . 10/18/2013
Wow! Six hours at the gym -she's intense! Seems like it fits her personality. But i like that we still see a tender side of her nobody else sees, like when she pulls out her mother's necklace.
I love this line: "a wet trail slithered down my cheek"
I don't understand why there was a tap on the window and then suddenly he was inside behind her? I must be misunderstanding the logistics.
At first I imagined her guardian as some old guy, but maybe he'll be her love interest?
"Faze" should be "phase" i think.
A maquerade will be so fun to read about! Can't wait.
I have added a few chapters of "On the Other End of the Phone". I'd love to have more of your feedback and I finally added pm, at least to try it out.
| RunningwithShadows chapter 4 . 10/13/2013
Hmm, I like that you're gradually building the suspense of the main conflict. It's an interesting guessing game that keeps the reader wanting more. If I might make a suggestion. We don't seem to know too much about you're character at this point. We know her back story and what she is but not really who she is. I'm not sure if this was intentional but maybe include more of her internal thoughts along the way? Especially because this is in first-person, and we have more access to her mind and stream of conscious. If that makes sense haha. Anyway, good job, on to the next.
| RunningwithShadows chapter 3 . 10/13/2013
Nice build up and good scene. It'll be interesting to see what happens.
| RunningwithShadows chapter 2 . 10/12/2013
Hmm, interesting. I like the background of her story, just one suggestion. Is there a way you might be able to weave it into the story more instead of telling us all at once? Just a thought but it might make it flow better.
Also, I wouldn't use exclamation points in the beginning. They're better saved for dialogue or internal thought. Other than that good job. Looking forward to more!
| RunningwithShadows chapter 1 . 10/12/2013
Nice beginning. It has a great aura of mystery and suspense about it. And I can't wait to see how your characters develop over the course of the story. Nice work.
| Kenna-Kat11 chapter 1 . 10/11/2013
Good opening and cliff-hanger! The cliff-hanger about his eyes definitely makes me want to keep reading because it's so unusual. Looking forward to seeing how this develops! Happy writing.
| Helen Cole chapter 7 . 10/8/2013
I like that you portray how out of her element she is when she's just acting as a civilian. I also like that she now has a name.
You may want to use the word chortled instead of snorted - if you mean laughter. Change "wondering" around the block to "wandering" around the block.
Great action sequence!
Finally he came! That whole fight, I was thinking - so much for her "guardian". She doesn't even need one
| Helen Cole chapter 6 . 10/8/2013
I just realized my last two reviews weren't tied to may name but they were from me. ;)
I love the way you draw out the details - like in the first paragraph, instead of just saying the sun was setting.
Very interesting chapter - what a cool idea to have their faces hidden. Adds mystery. This makes me wonder if they are corrupt and the guardian maybe is a spy and can't be trusted?
Thank you for all your reviews on my story, "On the Other End of the Phone". I have made a lot of changes from your suggestions. Thank you! I will keep reviewing this as I get the chance. Sorry I'm not a quick as you. I'd love if you can read the chapters I've added.
| Guest chapter 4 . 10/1/2013
Love this line: "the deafening silence that was in my head"
You use a mixture of two styles, which can kind of break up the flow. The beginning of this sentence is more formal and the other half is a totally different tone: "It must have been several hours later when I woke up again if the setting sun was proof enough. That time, I focused on remaining at ease to prevent another situation like the morning to occur. Seriously, it was not pleasant; the drug left me feeling woozy."
I'm really liking the story itself so far and I'm curious as to why he wants to meet with her.