|Reviews for More Than Meets the Eye|
| Guest chapter 3 . 9/30/2013
I would vhange the first sentence to report "had been" made, indicating the search abd the report were at fifferent times. (May be fine either way though)
The second paragraph has a fragment.
You used "mess" twice in the fourth paragraph -redundant
I like the phrase, "the feeling of being watched invaded my senses"
Use hyphens to indicate words are connected as its own noun "gun-occupied-hand"
I like this chapter- very intense and actually had me scared a little
| Helen Cole chapter 2 . 9/16/2013
One thing i didn't mention in my first review is that it's a bit hard to discern whether the character is male or female. I also originally thought it was in a midieval time period until I got to this chapter.
This chapter really creates an image of what kind of person the character is, but is still unclear whether male or female.
This chapter reminded me of the short animated film on youtube called, Alarm Clock, though yours has a different feel- not cutesy.
Great work and thank you for my many reviews! I will be using your feedback in my next edits of the story. Thank you! Thank you!
| Helen Cole chapter 1 . 9/12/2013
Excellent so far! I like your writing style. Be careful to make sure you're consistent with past and present tense. You switched mid-sentence in the fist paragraph. This is descriptive, and not in a way that is choppy, or list-like. You've done a greatb job at explaining the backstory whilst moving the story along. I read your comment on the forum and I would love for you to review my story, On the Other End of the Phone. I will try to keep reviewing your story as I read.
| i'll.keep.dreamin chapter 2 . 9/1/2013
This is an interesting start to your story! I like how you jump right into what's going on, but then step back a bit to give the background info. It doesn't seem out of place though; I think it's really good so far! I can't wait to continue reading the rest!
| hiram09 chapter 2 . 7/31/2013
Nice start; language is a bit wooden and some poor word usage in places, but that's why it's called a draft. Guard against tense shifts within a paragraph, for example the last paragraph. The first 3 sentences are in past tense, the last one in present. Either that or put quotation marks around the last sentence.
example of word usage;
"With a purpose, I hastily made my bed sheets as I folded them nicely", this seems incongruously impossible.
"I was woken up by the sound of my alarm clock as it played the tune of Stevie Wonder's "Superstition". Out of habit, I pressed the snooze button and rolled onto my other side as I thought that I could sleep in." .. to the sound, not by the sound. Period after "onto my other side." and eliminate "as".
May I offer you two very helpful tools to use in self-editing a story; the first is to brutally pare down your word usage, and I mean brutally, in the first revision. Second, when you are rebuilding it, do what is called "unpacking", which means to break up sentences that contain to many concepts. It's to fight our tendency as writers to overuse commas which only complicates a sentence and makes it difficult for the reader to follow our meaning. We understand ourselves because it's written in our own voice and in our own heads, but other people are confused by it. An example is, "I roughly took out my bloody pager, and grumpily checked the message as I hoped that it was worth the lack of sleep." First you might want to pare out "roughly", "bloody" and "grumpily" (way to many adjectives in one sentence), then perhaps put "grumpily" back in where "roughly" was removed, then put a period after "message." That would be your paring, your revising, and your unpacking.
| Van Quatra chapter 43 . 7/30/2013
oh this was an excellent story, you did a great job and i can't wait for the sequel.
| Un-Ended Tales Unravel chapter 6 . 7/27/2013
The story progresses. I wonder who this guardian will be.
Your language seems a little stiff and it isn't flowing as nicely as it could be. You're jumping from sentence to sentence quite abruptly at points.
‘I distracted myself by humming the tune of "Superstition" as it was my favorite song of all time.’ Feel this sentence would work better as two sentences, replacing the word ‘as’ with a period.
‘As usual, it helped me block out the cold and time seemed to have gone by faster as before I knew it, I was at my destination.’ Same thing with this one, replacing the second ‘as’ with a period.
This of course is only my opinion. It's really up to you. Sorry, it's been a really long time since I've reviewed this story.
| Felrain chapter 43 . 7/20/2013
Damn, I'm all caught up and now its over. ;_; So much death and pain. But well done sis! So proud of you! And do start another story soon ;D
| NightlyDreamer chapter 43 . 7/19/2013
Wow. You've left it off at a nasty spot!
Poor Rachel and John. I feel sorry for them.
I can't wait for the next story! :) I'll be waiting anxiously for more of your work.
| SweetMichaela chapter 42 . 7/19/2013
I'm literally standing at the edge of my seat.
Why? Why did you have to give us this cliffhanger? ;_; Anyway, I hope that the Epilogue will be quite better after all the deaths that we have witnessed. I'll miss Fear the most. :(
I love this story. It was the most interesting one that I have read on FictionPress. Great work.
| brandy.dehayes chapter 35 . 6/25/2013
I cannot wait for the next chapter. This is the second story I have read on this site and have greatly enjoyed it thus far. You definitely know how to keep people enthralled.
| Felrain chapter 34 . 6/24/2013
-fangirl shriek- His mum is awake! I wanna hear what she has to say :D
Oh and another thing... Agent Ray Alannah... my real name. O_o :3 Was that an accident or on purpose? XD
| Felrain chapter 33 . 6/24/2013
What... What... O_O WHY?!
| Felrain chapter 32 . 6/24/2013
WHOSE EYES DAMNIT!
| Felrain chapter 30 . 6/24/2013
O_O Umm... ow? That sounded so painful :O