|Reviews for More Than Meets the Eye|
| RunningwithShadows chapter 2 . 10/12/2013
Hmm, interesting. I like the background of her story, just one suggestion. Is there a way you might be able to weave it into the story more instead of telling us all at once? Just a thought but it might make it flow better.
Also, I wouldn't use exclamation points in the beginning. They're better saved for dialogue or internal thought. Other than that good job. Looking forward to more!
| RunningwithShadows chapter 1 . 10/12/2013
Nice beginning. It has a great aura of mystery and suspense about it. And I can't wait to see how your characters develop over the course of the story. Nice work.
| Kenna-Kat11 chapter 1 . 10/11/2013
Good opening and cliff-hanger! The cliff-hanger about his eyes definitely makes me want to keep reading because it's so unusual. Looking forward to seeing how this develops! Happy writing.
| Helen Cole chapter 7 . 10/8/2013
I like that you portray how out of her element she is when she's just acting as a civilian. I also like that she now has a name.
You may want to use the word chortled instead of snorted - if you mean laughter. Change "wondering" around the block to "wandering" around the block.
Great action sequence!
Finally he came! That whole fight, I was thinking - so much for her "guardian". She doesn't even need one
| Helen Cole chapter 6 . 10/8/2013
I just realized my last two reviews weren't tied to may name but they were from me. ;)
I love the way you draw out the details - like in the first paragraph, instead of just saying the sun was setting.
Very interesting chapter - what a cool idea to have their faces hidden. Adds mystery. This makes me wonder if they are corrupt and the guardian maybe is a spy and can't be trusted?
Thank you for all your reviews on my story, "On the Other End of the Phone". I have made a lot of changes from your suggestions. Thank you! I will keep reviewing this as I get the chance. Sorry I'm not a quick as you. I'd love if you can read the chapters I've added.
| Guest chapter 4 . 10/1/2013
Love this line: "the deafening silence that was in my head"
You use a mixture of two styles, which can kind of break up the flow. The beginning of this sentence is more formal and the other half is a totally different tone: "It must have been several hours later when I woke up again if the setting sun was proof enough. That time, I focused on remaining at ease to prevent another situation like the morning to occur. Seriously, it was not pleasant; the drug left me feeling woozy."
I'm really liking the story itself so far and I'm curious as to why he wants to meet with her.
| Guest chapter 3 . 9/30/2013
I would vhange the first sentence to report "had been" made, indicating the search abd the report were at fifferent times. (May be fine either way though)
The second paragraph has a fragment.
You used "mess" twice in the fourth paragraph -redundant
I like the phrase, "the feeling of being watched invaded my senses"
Use hyphens to indicate words are connected as its own noun "gun-occupied-hand"
I like this chapter- very intense and actually had me scared a little
| Helen Cole chapter 2 . 9/16/2013
One thing i didn't mention in my first review is that it's a bit hard to discern whether the character is male or female. I also originally thought it was in a midieval time period until I got to this chapter.
This chapter really creates an image of what kind of person the character is, but is still unclear whether male or female.
This chapter reminded me of the short animated film on youtube called, Alarm Clock, though yours has a different feel- not cutesy.
Great work and thank you for my many reviews! I will be using your feedback in my next edits of the story. Thank you! Thank you!
| Helen Cole chapter 1 . 9/12/2013
Excellent so far! I like your writing style. Be careful to make sure you're consistent with past and present tense. You switched mid-sentence in the fist paragraph. This is descriptive, and not in a way that is choppy, or list-like. You've done a greatb job at explaining the backstory whilst moving the story along. I read your comment on the forum and I would love for you to review my story, On the Other End of the Phone. I will try to keep reviewing your story as I read.
| i'll.keep.dreamin chapter 2 . 9/1/2013
This is an interesting start to your story! I like how you jump right into what's going on, but then step back a bit to give the background info. It doesn't seem out of place though; I think it's really good so far! I can't wait to continue reading the rest!
| hiram09 chapter 2 . 7/31/2013
Nice start; language is a bit wooden and some poor word usage in places, but that's why it's called a draft. Guard against tense shifts within a paragraph, for example the last paragraph. The first 3 sentences are in past tense, the last one in present. Either that or put quotation marks around the last sentence.
example of word usage;
"With a purpose, I hastily made my bed sheets as I folded them nicely", this seems incongruously impossible.
"I was woken up by the sound of my alarm clock as it played the tune of Stevie Wonder's "Superstition". Out of habit, I pressed the snooze button and rolled onto my other side as I thought that I could sleep in." .. to the sound, not by the sound. Period after "onto my other side." and eliminate "as".
May I offer you two very helpful tools to use in self-editing a story; the first is to brutally pare down your word usage, and I mean brutally, in the first revision. Second, when you are rebuilding it, do what is called "unpacking", which means to break up sentences that contain to many concepts. It's to fight our tendency as writers to overuse commas which only complicates a sentence and makes it difficult for the reader to follow our meaning. We understand ourselves because it's written in our own voice and in our own heads, but other people are confused by it. An example is, "I roughly took out my bloody pager, and grumpily checked the message as I hoped that it was worth the lack of sleep." First you might want to pare out "roughly", "bloody" and "grumpily" (way to many adjectives in one sentence), then perhaps put "grumpily" back in where "roughly" was removed, then put a period after "message." That would be your paring, your revising, and your unpacking.
| Van Quatra chapter 43 . 7/30/2013
oh this was an excellent story, you did a great job and i can't wait for the sequel.
| Un-Ended Tales Unravel chapter 6 . 7/27/2013
The story progresses. I wonder who this guardian will be.
Your language seems a little stiff and it isn't flowing as nicely as it could be. You're jumping from sentence to sentence quite abruptly at points.
‘I distracted myself by humming the tune of "Superstition" as it was my favorite song of all time.’ Feel this sentence would work better as two sentences, replacing the word ‘as’ with a period.
‘As usual, it helped me block out the cold and time seemed to have gone by faster as before I knew it, I was at my destination.’ Same thing with this one, replacing the second ‘as’ with a period.
This of course is only my opinion. It's really up to you. Sorry, it's been a really long time since I've reviewed this story.
| Felrain chapter 43 . 7/20/2013
Damn, I'm all caught up and now its over. ;_; So much death and pain. But well done sis! So proud of you! And do start another story soon ;D
| NightlyDreamer chapter 43 . 7/19/2013
Wow. You've left it off at a nasty spot!
Poor Rachel and John. I feel sorry for them.
I can't wait for the next story! :) I'll be waiting anxiously for more of your work.