Reviews for Eagan: A Flame in the Night: January 2014
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 4/7/2013
As always, your characters remain engaging, and they really push the plot forward. The dialogue still feels a bit stiff, but I remember you saying you were working on that. Something like ["But he has been doing so well with Annabelle that I would have been surprised.] can really be cut down, maybe (But he's been doing so well with Annabelle, I'd be surprised if he has.) In some parts, the pacing can get confusing; in the phone conversation, it's hard to get a handle on who is where; who has the phone on the parent's end? How can Callum hear their conversation from the other end, unless he's on speakerphone?
I think you could do with scene breaks, too; in some parts it just feels like it jumps too quickly from one thing to another. A line across the page, or XXX or something, will really help break it up and help the reader realise there's a scene change, avoiding some of the confusion. As always, good luck!
A. Nonymous1234 chapter 1 . 12/17/2012
Very interesting. There were a few grammar errors, and typos-
"He looked down at her pale arm. Violet prints marked the grip that once squeezed her wrist." Instead of making it two sentences, a comma would have been better. It seems a little bit choppy this way.
That was one thing that stuck out to me, it really isn't that big of a deal. Overall good job.