Reviews for A Devil on one shoulder and A Angel on the Other
Ashborne chapter 1 . 12/1/2012
I think you have an alright story going but I must stress formatting, grammar, and spelling. Few people enjoy reading giant block paragraphs. Try separating your paragraphs appropriately, adding in some additional corrections to punctuation and grammar, and then post the new version. I think you will get back a lot more positive feedback.

Basic suggestions:
Make a new paragraph every time the main topic of point changes (normally 3-7 sentences go into each paragraph.)
Make a new Paragraph every time a different character starts to speak.
Capitalize the first word in every sentence. (Dialogue included)
For contractions (don't is the contraction for do not) and possessive words (Amanda's wallet), remember to always add an apostrophe ( ' ) just before the "s" in most cases.
Always reread a piece at least once to catch errors before you post so that you work comes out as clean and professional looking as possible.

All of these things will help bring your wonderful ideas to a broader audience. :D