|Reviews for The Willow Weeps|
| loivissa17 chapter 16 . 1/3/2014
beautiful poetry... it's overflowing with emotion. :) thanks for sharing it with the world :D
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 5/20/2013
.I feel like she acts older than fifteen. I know situations like this would make a character grow up more, but in the overall way she acts…even making her sixteen would make it feel just a bit more believable. You may want to get rid of the lyrics; they’re copyrighted, and even if you give credit it’s still iffy ground. If you want to use songs you’re better off just saying the title. I’ve read before that most people view the use of lyrics as lazy, like the writer can’t come up with the atmosphere by themselves. I don’t think that’s the case here, but replace the lyrics with description and it might be stronger. Although this is a good way to introduce the character, she doesn’t really feel…new. Kid who dislikes everyone in school, is smarter and from a broken home has been done before. I think you need something else – or tone down one of the other things – to make her really stand out. You have a really nice writing style, but I would suggest toning down on the talking to the audience bit. Avoid things like ‘I won’t bore you with the details’, because it jerks the reader out of the story and reminds them they are reading about fictional characters and events. You want them to really feel for the character, like she’s someone we might meet, rather than fictional. It may sound odd, but addressing the audience can sometimes feel a bit awkward.
| thetruthaboutsilver chapter 1 . 1/23/2013
Greetings from the Roadhouse :)
I really feel for your character, and can just feel the emotion emanating from this. You have great description of Ariel's life and feelings. You also have an awesome balance of dialogue in between paragraphs.
Thanks for writing! (I should write a criticism, but I just can't come up with one :)
| Lidi Millegar chapter 3 . 1/20/2013
Sorry I'm not logged in for this -_-;!
Lol, so far I am mostly loving Ariel... she's actually almost as sarcastic as I am! I'm very interested in learning how this story will be resolved, eventually.
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 2 . 1/13/2013
I really liked these first two chapters. It was very well written, with a nice format with the breakers and all, I really liked it I think the story is very creative, and I really feel bad for Ariel and Symb. I kind of hope their mom dies... x.x
On to the spelling and grammar issues, I found none, so good job, but I don't really look! This story has amazing potential, I'll keep reading. (:
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 1/10/2013
[WhileI was left to feed my...] Put a space between "While" and "I."
[I opened the fridge nothing, well except mommies...] I would suggest putting " ; " between "fridge" and "nothing," so, "...fridge; nothing, well, except mommies..."
[I walked out of my room and slouched down the stairs that creaked with my every step; I walked into the kitchen and opened up a cabinet, cobwebs.] I would suggest combining these two sentences into one, because as it is now, it sounds robotic. "I did this. I then did that." Beginning with "I" multiple times is robotic, as in you're telling the reader instead of showing. For example, to show, you could write "The floorboards beneath my feet creaked with every step" or "Once I made it to the cabinet, I was greeted by the cobwebs when there should of been food."
[I started rooting through the other cabinets, expecting to find some remnant of food, knowing it was a fruitless endeavor.] I suggest rewording this sentence because as it stands now, it contradicts itself. The speaker says she's 'expecting to find some remnant of food,' but then says "knowing it was a fruitless endeavor." I know what you're trying to get across, but it needs to be rephrased so that it makes sense, such as "I started rooting through the other cabinets, expecting to find some remnant of food; however, I knew deep down inside it was a fruitless endeavor."
[just in time for the window to shoot open spilling all of her crayons on the floor, stupid wind.] I suggest changing it to "...crayouns on the floor. Stupid wind." I also suggest having the speaker *do* something with the wind, since she spent the time to tell the readers about it. Like, have her close it, or emphaize that she shut it harshly to show frustration.
Hmmmm, I *may* be wrong here, but I think writing in lyrics from a song is considered plagiarism. I know just writing the title of a song is considered okay, but I think I read somewhere that actually including lyrics of a song into your piece is bad. I'm not one hundred percent sure though, so maybe you should look it up or something.
[Just silence, did my radio bre- BANG BANG BANG,] Since it's told in past tense, avoid interupting the narration as such, since it's not happening as we read it. And you shouldn't write "...did my radio..." because that is present tense, and so far, the story has been told in past. Keep it all the same throughout.
The speaker is a tad bit too angsty, especialy for a humor piece. I would suggest toning down her morbid views down a bit, or to an extent that they come off funny, since this *is* a humor story.
I also think that changing her age to perhaps sixteen would come off more believable for the readers. I understand that fifteen (and younger) year olds go through these sort of family issues (such as the acholotic parent, being left to watch over younger siblings, etc) but simply because of her narration, and her ability to question her mother's action (and confrontation), it seems that she comes across older than fifteen.
I can't really comment on plot that much because so far there hasnt been that much development. I like the aspect of the alcholic parent always gone; it gives the story more depth.
| Sombrette chapter 1 . 1/10/2013
I like Arie and I love the sarcasm and dry wit as well lol I thought this was actually pretty interesting, and I love the conflict she has with her mother and that there's solid reason for her disliking her. I'm not going to say I have been in a similar situation as her since everyone's life is circumstantial, but I will say I know what she's going through so I immediately connected. I saw in the summary the she's going to get transported to a magical world and after a few interactions with 'Symb'... wow that made me laugh lol anyway I hope she takes the kid with her XD
I think the only issues are minor. There's some repetition with her actions. Like: [I walked out of my room...] then the next sentence was [I walked into the kitchen...] You should add more variety to how she begins these actions.
Example: [I opened the fridge, nothing, well except...] this could instead say - [Opening the fridge, I found nothing. Well, except mommie's good ol'...]
Besides that I think the writing is well done and I enjoyed the humor. Nice chapter!
| Nerumi H chapter 3 . 12/18/2012
Ah this is getting interesting! Radio dwellers haha. It's the ghost of a band member.
Quasimodo and Aladdin. I couldn't stop giggling at that xD
At first I thought that she changed her mind too fast at the end, but then again, she did have a point. As long as she strongly believes its fake then what the heck, right? Though it did feel like you had a sort of debate going on with them trying to convince her and it went no where, then all of a sudden took a sharp right turn that could have been eased into a bit more.
Anyhow, eager to read more!
| incrediblectopus chapter 17 . 12/16/2012
Wooo, I can't wait for the next book! I have gone to your profile and clicked follow, so there is no escape. You will never escape me. Just know, even if I'm not commenting, I am there. I am watching you. That's a nice shirt, by the way.
| Beautifully Corrupted chapter 17 . 12/16/2012
I can't wait for the sequel!
| Nerumi H chapter 1 . 12/16/2012
Okay, I'm new here, so forgive my bad reviewing.
This looks like it could be very interesting! I like your writing, how it isn't so bogged down like most peoples', just simple and flows nicely. I absolutely loved your line, "My blood curdling like rotten milk." In a situation where cliche lines are all too tempting, you came out with that creepy, illustrative line. Really liked it.
My only comment so far (which...doesn't really count for much given that it is at 16 chapters already) is that Arie and her situation are...ugh I hate to say it, but typical of fiction of this type. I really hope as the story goes on we see more sides of Arie and her sister, that set them apart from characters that I've already seen before.
| Beautifully Corrupted chapter 16 . 12/15/2012
This was really pretty! I liked it a lot.
| Beautifully Corrupted chapter 15 . 12/15/2012
I liked the ending!
| incrediblectopus chapter 14 . 12/14/2012
Ariel had better get cake.
| Beautifully Corrupted chapter 14 . 12/14/2012
Nice chapter :D