Reviews for Breaking Thunder
Ishotthealbatross chapter 1 . 9/22/2015
Trillpuv chapter 1 . 8/20/2014
*cries because there is a novel of emotion within only 2000 words*
awed chapter 1 . 7/23/2013
That was a great piece of writing, poignant, heart-touching, sweet, memorable...I'm a fan.
JYates chapter 1 . 4/1/2013
Sorry about getting to your review a day late! I just conked out last night.

Anyway I really liked your opening. I thought it was a very good setup for the conflict that followed in the story. The use of "falling out of trees" was a really good way to phrase what was going on. I thought that the subtlety of it made the reader understand that this was a more complicated issue than just a father beating his son/

I think that the dialogue with Bobby, where Kenny talks about if he gets caught is a little bit confusing. I think for readers looking over it the first time, it takes place in an ambiguous place in time. Since you have other sort of jumps to places in Kenny's life, we aren't really sure if this is happening in the present or the past. On a second read though it sorts itself out, so I do with that as you may.

Well congrats on getting the freebie and I hope you enjoy it!
Mia52 chapter 1 . 3/25/2013
[Jesus, Kenny, what happened to your face?] South Park came to mind instantly, haha.

Anyway, this one-shot was wonderful. It feels wrong to say that, especially considering the situations Kenny was in, but it was still a wonderful piece.

I like the metaphor of his abuse being considered to him falling out of trees. It just tells us he's being hurt, but not out right saying it.

The only thing I found weird was that changing of tenses, but other than that, this piece was wonderful.

Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 3/24/2013
This was...lovely. It sounds like an odd word to use considering the overall events of it, but there's a real sense at the end of the characters moving on. Kenny seems like a very solid character, with a lot going on, and you manage to convey that without it being too confusing. I love the way you show his conflicts, the way he's torn between so many different things. And Bobby seems like a brilliant offset to that. Their relationship is handled wonderfully, too, and it makes for an absolute joy to read. Really enjoyed it. Great stuff.
Infected Beliefs chapter 1 . 3/24/2013
[Jesus, Kenny, what happened to your face?] - LMAO I am instantly thinking of South Park, though that probably was not your intention.

[There aren't any stairs in his house, so Kenny fell out of a lot of trees back then.] - Aaahhh...and there puts the damper on my good humor. Good sentence though; you say a lot in very few words and you don't slap the reader in the face with it either.

[There was a time when things weren't like that, Kenny knows.] - Tense issue, I think. "Kenny {knows}." I think {knows} should be {knew} considering that you start the sentence out in past tense. Or actually, I realize you are talking in first person tense for most of the story, so maybe instead of changing "knows" to "knew" you should change "was a time" to "were times"? Maybe? Fuck, now I am all confused.

I enjoyed the metaphor of Kenny falling out of trees. I mean, I didn't enjoy the content of it but, I enjoyed the way it flowed within your story. Your flashbacks were interesting and insightful but to be completely honest I did not feel that the bit about his mother at the end was as smoothly intertwined as the earlier flashbacks. It felt as though it had been just shoved in.

I have no complaints about your dialogue in this story but I also can't say it had me jumping up and was clean and concise, which is good, but I got no sense of flair from it. The word I would use to describe it is "adequate."

As a whole, I thought the story started out strong and finished...not weakly but...less strong. I really enjoyed it up until you show what was on his father's tombstone. After that, while I didn't dislike it, I thought that you have written better in other things I have seen. I don't know what you need to add more spice to it, or even if you do (maybe it is just me). If you do decide you want to bounce some ideas around later well, you can always PM me.

Best of luck to you and your writing,

Findus chapter 1 . 3/24/2013
Oh Jayzus, that was beautiful and horrible at the same time. No wonder you won the WCC . This is some seriously gorgeous writing and I don't know where to begin commenting on it. I liked the tree theme. the morbid humor in imagining all those trees Kenny "fell out of" and the tree that killed his mother.

I like the Bobby character the most in this. He comes across with such positive energy, they way he's totally unapologetic, sort of just invading Kenny's life. At least that's the impression I get.

I loved how you strung the flashbacks and the current events together, mixing them up. And that in the end, as desperate as the tone is throughout the piece, I felt optimism at the end, that young couple just starting out, kenny not ready to forgive but leaving the door open on the possibility.

Wonderful reading!
okunoin chapter 1 . 3/19/2013
What makes this piece really nice is how you splice the (quite tragic) quotes from the past into the present and yet maintain the simple, colloquial writing style. In doing this it doesn't come across as being overtly sentimental or as though you're trying to force the reader into feeling a certain way about things. I think when you use something which features things such as abuse it's very easy to have it come across as too morbid, or too depressing to read, but you've delivered it in a way that there's a really nice balance between it.
In a similar way, your description of things is nice and vivid, I particularly liked the line, 'Kenny untucks one hand and thumbs over the frost on the verse, melting back the ice and bringing—"The Lord hath given him rest from all his enemies…"—to a dark sheen that glistens in the white-yellow of dawn like wet lipstick on a statue.', specifically the 'wet lipstick on a statue' because this is a very unusual simile but it paints a very vivid image - but your text isn't bogged down by the descriptors, again I think it takes a very nice level of skill to be able to do that.
I really like the character of Bobby, you give enough of him to give the reader a good idea of what sort of person he is and what he does for Kenny (as a rock) but he doesn't fall into an archetype, specifically I love how he calls Kenny, 'firefly', it's an intimacy that the characters share, but as a reader - we're not told how this name came to be, and I like that! I think it's nice when a writer leaves the reader to line the dots instead of having it told to us.
Really good piece :)
lookingwest chapter 1 . 3/15/2013
You know meee. Not always a fan of the flashback stuff. BUT with this - I actually really like how you worked with that technique! (Don't tell anyone I said that, you know, because I'm always so against it, hurhur). But yeah - I thought the decision to weave those memory moments in was good. I mean, the only other thing I could see happening is actually expanding this and making it longer - and actually kind of detailing out each flashback scene and perhaps just making it something that is divided by line breaks, or you could even have really short little chapters, each with these different fragments within a larger frame story. But I guess I'm talking like, chap-book idea, lol, and I don't know if you're exactly looking for feedback for revision for this and everything. But anyway. I liked the decision to include the memory-moments.

It filled stuff in for Kenny and such, and we got to see the relationship he has with not only Bobby, but Bobby-past, his father, and even his mother. In that since - this is a really well rounded piece. I can't remember the prompt all the way though... too lazy to good look, BUT I feel like this addressed thematic elements really well as far as healing and everything. I thought you did a good job weaving that idea throughout, especially contrasting Kenny with his father and his father's form of forgiveness - which I don't think ever happened for him.

I almost got the sense that maybe Kenny killed his father at one point in the story, but I didn't want to assume that. There were some violent undertones, I think, when you contrast the memory flashback of Kenny saying his mother's death was his father's fault, to the gravestone that he's standing in front of. But hey, it was a good setting transition. Which speaking of, the setting was really good in this too! I loved the details about how cold it was and everything, and I also liked the details about the graveyard. That was a nice touch.

Liked that Bobby calls Kenny "firefly" that was cute...

Let's see what else...Good dialogue. I felt like they used a bit of regional slang-ness to their words, and I could get a sense of education and family background from their dialogue too. I liked the irony that Kenny and Bobby are out there on Kenny's dad's grave and that they have this relationship - good use of that literary element for sure.

Overall, this was well written! A good piece that I think does a wonderful job with character development. I got a good sense of development even in 2,000ish words, so that's definitely saying something!
Sombrette chapter 1 . 3/10/2013
The imagery in this is really something. I appreciated the little minute details that pop up here and there. Small, but I think they make this story very rich. For instance this little bit here [His father's gravestone juts out of the earth around it like a broken bone out of raw flesh.] I thought that was a small little detail, but they way you illustrate it makes it so much more.

I feel really bad for Kenny, his personality is so gloomy, for obvious reason though. The flashbacks mixed into this are done nicely, I actually thought it was really interesting the way you did this. I felt like I could see everything written. Even though we are only seeing a little bit of him and only flashes of his life, I still feel like we got a decent feel for him as a character. This is, without a doubt, depressing lol But I loved it all.

[But trying to remember that is like trying to sketch from memory an image from a favorite storybook as a kid{} or trying to explain the taste of something you hadn't eaten in decades to a stranger who'd never tried it.] - This is the only thing I saw that I wanted to point out. It seems like a lot to go on without a pause, maybe a comma would fit there. However, that's just a thought.

Very nice story and congrats on winning :)
Daisy215 chapter 1 . 3/2/2013
I really liked this!

It was the perfect length, in my opinion, for a one shot. I often find that one shots are either to weighed down with backstory and detail, or that they have none. You've done a perfect balance here.

I personally have experience with this kind of situation, with Kenny's father and him not being able to forgive him. I thought you wrote it very well, and that it was very realistic and powerful in the end when he forgave him for everything, just this once.

I liked the interaction between Bobby and Kenny, especially in the flashbacks it really showed the conflict then to how their relationship is now.

There was one error I noticed:

There's the sound of glass shattering,

Since it was in italics I think it was meant to be a flashback in which case it wouldn't be "there is" but "there was"

Overall a great oneshot, I can see why it won an award!
Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 3/1/2013
Wow, this is really some amazing work. I've missed seeing/reading your prose. Its been few months :)

What I want to point out first is how seamless the blend was between the chaos of the opening abusive scenes with the mellow healing moments at the end. I think its really good how you blended time and space with that. Kenny is a fascinating character as well, he's submissive, but in a way Bobby is too so they mirror each other well.

The ending was a bit soft and kind of abrupt. I honestly could have read more and enjoyed myself, although I know there was a word limit involved do its understandable.

As usual you do a tremendous job of having your characters connect with one another. Loved Bobby's endearment of 'firefly' keep up the good work.

Much love,
Olivrayna chapter 1 . 1/28/2013
This is a nice story. A little ok, a lot, sad but with a happy ending. Thank you for sharing your talent.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 1 . 1/7/2013
Here's your RM prize review! :D

I like how you interwove past and present into the story with little snippets of Kenny's past triggered by certain phrases or sights. It adds depth to the plot and really helps the reader understand what Kenny might be feeling as he stands before his father's tombstone.

I also like Robert's character. He's brave and unrelenting, and I think the fact that he doesn't get riled up at Kenny's dad makes him in that way Kenny's opposite. I felt I was better able to relate to his standpoint on the issue.

Awesome short story. Congrats on winning WCC and RM! :) *luff*

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