|Reviews for Kaleidoscope Heart: Red|
| KaiserSchwarz chapter 1 . 12/17/2012
Hm... I find how you start it off pretty interesting. From the first chapter I can see what your main character is like. That is a good thing; however, I have to agree with previous reviewers in that your language grasp is definitely strong, but you could lighten up on how flowery the language is. I'm interested to see what happens next though so it's time to turn the page.
| Unweighted Book Author chapter 1 . 12/10/2012
Very good use of narrative and the first person perspective. This is the correct way to allow the reader to understand and appreciate the personality of the main character. Rather than spelling it out via observations from other characters or utilizing similar devices, you allow the reader to know his thought processes and come to their own conclusions, and it's great that your main character feels like a realistic, actual person.
A flaw that stands out to me, though, is the pace of the writing. It's too slow. All conversational narratives suffer from this, but yours particularly stands out. Cut back a little on the elaboration. You don't have to list so many examples. Just a little fine-tuning will make the story much better overall.
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 2 . 12/10/2012
I was having this sense of dejavu as I read your chapters, not in the sense of having encountered something similar before, but the narrative voice just struck me as someone rather familiar. And in this chapter, I found the connection. He resembled Kuon from the light novel Melancholy of Haruhi Suzimiya, with his constant digressions about his perceptions about the world around him (I read the english translation btw, my Japanese is cmi).
Like I mentioned earlier, I don't particularly mind digressions, since they allow me to get into the mind of the narrator and yours are rather entertaining in a zen-like circular kind of way. I also get to know a little about the isolated nature of the city. But it does take me out of the story quite a bit when you start with dialogue (which is always a good hook for a chapter) and then you forgo that hook in favour of a rather long musing which could almost be doubled as an info-dump. Perhaps it could work better if they peppered and spread throughout.
Or you could cut them down. I learnt the hard way that the reason people keep flipping the pages of a novel (most of the time) is because they are interested in the story, not the literary and flowery quality of the language (unless one is a snobbish literary critic who insists on metaphors and symbolism in every damn paragraph), nor about social commentary that sheds light on the cruel and apathetic nature of the world. So always... story story story.
Criticism aside, I very much like the subversion of the class monitor trope which is very very refreshing. That conversation about romance is also spot on. Often we get to see how a couple gets together, but not what that transpire afterwards. I'm still not too sure where this is going. But I'll get back to soon!
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 1 . 12/10/2012
Hi, just dropping by to check up your story and I have to say, you have a really strong grasp of language (but I thought some of the words could have been simplified.) as evidenced in your prose, with moments of dry wit to boot. I like the way you do your introduction with your personalized description, though I thought its rambling nature probably deterred many potential readers from continuing. Not that I personally minded (since I am personally guilty of it myself and one of my favourite writers, Mr Stephen King is the er-hrm king of rambling) but you might want to cut short a wee bit if you do consider a rewrite. I also very much like the morbid premise. I'll continue reading to see how it pans out.
| Lavender Town Massacre chapter 1 . 12/10/2012
Very good. I love your writing style-reminds me of mine. It's playful and relaxed, or as I like to call it, 'Casual Caligraphy'. It's easy-going, charming, and amusing.
I laughed at this:
'By the way, horrible movie.
I should write a note to myself to never watch it again.'
That was very funny.
You have a very good talent, and I do look forward to reading more from you.
| yukiteddy chapter 1 . 12/10/2012
i like this manga :)
| JohnnyZwei chapter 1 . 12/6/2012
Woah, this is something alright.
Not really sure what to say other than it grabbed my attention, and when it started to lose it, my attention came back right away.
| TK Anez chapter 1 . 12/4/2012
This is really good so far! Once I started, I just couldn't stop reading it. Your narrative voice is so strong, and it really hooked me. That last line was amazing, too! It really made me want more, and I can't wait to see what happens next. Maybe you could check out my story, The Underdogs. I'd love to get your opinion on it :)