Reviews for The Darkwater Chronicles
JaveHarron chapter 1 . 9/21/2014
Okay, the revised intro to this story seems fairly interesting. You've got an intro to the weirdness immediately and the main character having a distinct narrative voice. A bit more creative description, and this could be even more gripping.
Silverwolf Bombarda chapter 4 . 8/25/2014
This is getting disturbing but rather good
Silverwolf Bombarda chapter 2 . 8/22/2014
well now im getting intrigued bout the manor
Anne Redwood chapter 5 . 8/12/2014
I have very little to say other than I want more! What’s going on? What’s the book? No fair leaving a cliffhanger. :P
Anne Redwood chapter 4 . 8/11/2014
Seven and still has time to get ready before school? Lucky. At my high school classes started at 7:25. “Oh my. It’s very detailed. Right. Moving on.” Nice. Lol. I really want to know what’s going on. You’re building the plot well.
1: par 31 4th sentence. “…all the evil topiary aren’t…” I could be wrong, but I think this sounds better than “isn’t”. 2: par 34 1st sentence. “Out of the corner of my eye, I sense movement and can almost swear…” or something like this would flow a little bit better. Also, when you say “in my eye…” I picture something actually in her eye. 3: par 41 2nd sentence. “…I never thought of buildings having feelings let alone…”
Question: did you mention before that it was the first day of school after summer? For some reason I pictured her coming in sometime during the school year.
Hope this helps.
Anne
Anne Redwood chapter 3 . 8/11/2014
OMGOSH! I really need to stop reading your story at night -_-‘. Moving dolls? No f-ing thanks. *shudder*. You have a talent for writing creepy. Well done. I’m freaked ;).
1: par 8 4th ish sentence. “…that’s the first nightmare of the night.” The word “one” seemed a bit redundant and awkward. 2: par 16 5th sentence. “Which, in its own way…” You had “on its…” originally. 3: par 29 4th sentence. You say it’s 1:30 am but in an earlier paragraph you said it was 2:30somthing. Did you do that on purpose? If yes, that’s both creepy and awesome. 4: par 32 1st sentence. This sentence just felt strangely worded and I wasn’t entirely sure what you were trying to say. You might want to rephrase it.
Just an in general comment: A lot of your sentences get rather long. Maybe try varying the lengths to change it up a bit and to keep them from getting too long.
Hope this helps.
Anne
Anne Redwood chapter 2 . 8/10/2014
“’Dibs.’ It’s legally binding.” I love it! Okay, this is a creepy house. Like crreeepppyyy. I shouldn’t be reading this at night ;). I love how her dad knows her so well; it can be hard to find a story where the parents and kid get along. I’m glad you have it, at least right now.
Minor rephrase things. 1: par 2 5th sentence. “The phrase ‘too many’ is relative though…” I just think that would flow a bit better. Just a personal preference though. 2: par 11 4th sentence. “Surely one of these doors leads to a bedroom.” The word “should” seemed unnecessary with the word “surely”. 3: same par sentences 8 and 9. I think you can combine the two so that you don’t have “thankfully” and “thank” so close together. Again, this is a personal preference. 4: par 14 last sentence. You used “their”. I think you meant “there”. Minor, minor mistake. 5: par 23 1st sentence. You’re missing an “e” at the end of come. 6: same par 2nd sentence. “…like that stupid frog that always stopped singing by the time they got there.” Something like this just feels like it flows better. 7: par 61ish 3rd sentence. You forgot the “h” in “shame”.
I just realized something; have either of her parents called her by name yet? If not, you might want to put that in there somewhere so the reader knows her name from the story and not just the blurb. Sorry if you did have it in there and I missed it; just ignore me then ;).
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Hope this helps.
Anne
Anne Redwood chapter 1 . 8/10/2014
Hey! So I already like Alex’s character , probably because I love a character with a little bit of sarcasm. I also like the realistic way that her mind wanders before she brings it back to her original point, like when she mentions her mom staring at the road. I also like her descriptions. Good job!
YIKES! Living in a graveyard! Forget it. I’d be gone in an instant. Really well done; I can’t wait to see what happens next. I actually forgot that I was reviewing about halfway through -_-‘ (that’s a good sign though ).
Just a few suggestions for things you could rephrase so that the story flows a little better. 1: par 2. 6th sentence. “…all sunshine and rainbows with unicorns galloping through them.” This is just a personal preference and sounds a bit better to me. 2: par 7 5th sentence. “It’s been a long drive and I haven’t moved in so long that my legs have turned into noodles.” I’d suggest saying something like this because Alex mentions that she doesn’t know if they’d stopped or not because she was sleeping. To me, the original wording makes it sound like she does know and the new wording works with the fact that she was sleeping, thus not moving around a lot. 3: par 8 2nd sentence. “She doesn’t look too concerned whatever is making the entire town feel like the emo table in the cafeteria.” This eliminates some unnecessary words and implies that there is a “feeling” about the place that her mom isn’t pick up on without stating it directly; it also feels a bit more descriptive because it relies on imagery/a simile to convey the idea.
One suggestion: For Alex’s direct thoughts, try putting them into italics to separate them from the story and to distinguish between what the character is thinking and what's going on. It’s something someone suggested to me (my story is in 1st person present tense too) and I really like it. Your call though.
Hope this helps.
Anne
brittanyleewilton chapter 1 . 8/3/2014
I love the way this starts, my favourite part has to be when she sees the mansion... castle thing and she says it screams haunted, through the town sounds a bit depressing... but that just adds to the mystery. I'll have to read the rest.
SBC
Gehoji chapter 5 . 7/23/2014
I believe in you! Fight! Your writing skills are the skills that shall pierce the heavens!
KM chapter 6 . 6/11/2014
WTFHITWJH (what the fucking hell in the world just happened) time warp much!:O ohhh I just can't wait until she finds the book!
That was so weird and graphic at the same time
KM chapter 5 . 6/11/2014
Uuuuuummmmmmm... Okay then. I now know that she has found the rock to nowhere but probably doom
KM chapter 4 . 6/11/2014
I guess that could have ended worse._ who would not be worried on there first day at the most creepiest school I've ever heard of. Thanks for writing this awesomeness and I shall continue reading!:)
KM chapter 3 . 6/11/2014
Whooooooaaaaa! WTF! Like that was creepy and weird at the same time. I bet she is in so much trouble when she gets up:p
KN chapter 2 . 6/9/2014
WTF is with that guy anyway? What idiot would leave a hundred dollor bill at his table? Wow this is so exiting:D
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