|Reviews for The Darkwater Chronicles|
| Anne Redwood chapter 1 . 8/10/2014
Hey! So I already like Alex’s character , probably because I love a character with a little bit of sarcasm. I also like the realistic way that her mind wanders before she brings it back to her original point, like when she mentions her mom staring at the road. I also like her descriptions. Good job!
YIKES! Living in a graveyard! Forget it. I’d be gone in an instant. Really well done; I can’t wait to see what happens next. I actually forgot that I was reviewing about halfway through -_-‘ (that’s a good sign though ).
Just a few suggestions for things you could rephrase so that the story flows a little better. 1: par 2. 6th sentence. “…all sunshine and rainbows with unicorns galloping through them.” This is just a personal preference and sounds a bit better to me. 2: par 7 5th sentence. “It’s been a long drive and I haven’t moved in so long that my legs have turned into noodles.” I’d suggest saying something like this because Alex mentions that she doesn’t know if they’d stopped or not because she was sleeping. To me, the original wording makes it sound like she does know and the new wording works with the fact that she was sleeping, thus not moving around a lot. 3: par 8 2nd sentence. “She doesn’t look too concerned whatever is making the entire town feel like the emo table in the cafeteria.” This eliminates some unnecessary words and implies that there is a “feeling” about the place that her mom isn’t pick up on without stating it directly; it also feels a bit more descriptive because it relies on imagery/a simile to convey the idea.
One suggestion: For Alex’s direct thoughts, try putting them into italics to separate them from the story and to distinguish between what the character is thinking and what's going on. It’s something someone suggested to me (my story is in 1st person present tense too) and I really like it. Your call though.
Hope this helps.
| brittanyleewilton chapter 1 . 8/3/2014
I love the way this starts, my favourite part has to be when she sees the mansion... castle thing and she says it screams haunted, through the town sounds a bit depressing... but that just adds to the mystery. I'll have to read the rest.
| Gehoji chapter 5 . 7/23/2014
I believe in you! Fight! Your writing skills are the skills that shall pierce the heavens!
| KM chapter 6 . 6/11/2014
WTFHITWJH (what the fucking hell in the world just happened) time warp much!:O ohhh I just can't wait until she finds the book!
That was so weird and graphic at the same time
| KM chapter 5 . 6/11/2014
Uuuuuummmmmmm... Okay then. I now know that she has found the rock to nowhere but probably doom
| KM chapter 4 . 6/11/2014
I guess that could have ended worse._ who would not be worried on there first day at the most creepiest school I've ever heard of. Thanks for writing this awesomeness and I shall continue reading!:)
| KM chapter 3 . 6/11/2014
Whooooooaaaaa! WTF! Like that was creepy and weird at the same time. I bet she is in so much trouble when she gets up:p
| KN chapter 2 . 6/9/2014
WTF is with that guy anyway? What idiot would leave a hundred dollor bill at his table? Wow this is so exiting:D
| KM chapter 1 . 5/30/2014
Ha Ha Ha lol. The imagination of her is simply mind blowing along with the discribing words!:) first time reading and already wanting to read more and more of this.:D. ty and I shall continue to read this epicness
| HybridStories31 chapter 2 . 9/24/2013
Okay I know I reviewed the first chapter (it told me I could write another one), but I completely forgot what I said, so bare with me if I repeat myself.
One thing I've noticed is capitalization. Mom and Dad are capitalized when they are used as a name. I.e. Mom and Dad said... Examples for when it's not... my mom and dad said...
Next (I have this problem myself so I understand) you need to combine more of your sentences. Not too many, as that would create run-on paragraphs and sentences, but just a few more would make it more readable.
You may also what to look over some of your sentences. They seem unfinished and many times are just fragments.
Some of those fragments are your characters thoughts, so I recommend separating your characters actual thoughts from the narrative. Or make most of her thoughts into complete sentences (Like Twilight, and yes I know many people don't like it, but she is a good writer technically).
I also recommend putting more narrative into your writing and less actual thoughts. It' s kind of hard of to read with mostly thoughts. Narrative can be in first person, it adds description and depth to your story.
These are all my opinions and you can take 'em or leave 'em.
I hope this helps.
| RokStar chapter 18 . 8/11/2013
YES! I AM GOING TO READ MORE!
| jerrellsgirl112606 chapter 18 . 6/5/2013
This was an amazing story and yes i think you can publish this. Im off to read the next one i hope its as good as this one.
| david the scottish werewolf chapter 2 . 3/8/2013
| david the scottish werewolf chapter 1 . 3/8/2013
I howls at the moon to salute your awesome story
| HybridStories31 chapter 1 . 2/23/2013
I can honestly say that this is the best story I've read on here (writing wise). The story line is good and that way you have developed Alex is great. When I don't have much to say in a review that means you are doing something right! I always edit more than review so the fact that I have practically nothing to edit means you are a really good writer.
I'm not a professional editor but I catch most common mistakes. Keep up the good work.
I have noticed some spelling errors, but I think that might be because those words we just have different spellings. Such as 'centre' I spell it as 'center'.