Reviews for Curtain Call
Kalitena chapter 1 . 3/20/2015
The opening for this chapter caught my attention immediately, though I found some of the wording in the opening paragraph awkward. The first sentence is a run-on, and you repeat the fact that the souls at the river did neither good nor evil in their lives. That said, the lead in from Dante's hell to Alexander's is well done, and it tells us a lot about the character in a short time, giving us something to immediately connect to.
Referring to Arielle in second person was an interesting choice. I don't usually like it, but it worked well here because the story is from Alexander's first person and limited point of view, and it feels very intimate.
My only real critique would be to watch your mechanics. Some of your phrasing is awkward, and I found the overuse of ellipses distracting.
lookingwest chapter 4 . 10/22/2013
Did you change your username? Well, no one can go wrong with Dante, that's for sure. I didn't like the italics in the middle to denote it was a memory - I thought that was very clear just by the way you narrated and transitioned into that scene, so I would suggest just taking the italics out. If you decide to keep them, at least un-italicize the last big paragraph because that's back in the past tense and obviously reflecting in the present (on the past) so that didn't make sense to me as part of the whole "memory."

This kind of read a bit to me like a very mini condensed version of Green's The Fault of Our Stars, but to be fair I think any story about cancer in teens will be shadowed by that for the next decade, haha. Anyway - I like how this framed it in the context of crying at the gates of hell because that was some great imagery, and I thought the opening with the Dante quote and then "impulses" was a great way to start and loop back to in the end. The use of second person is also unique. I think my favorite line was: Dante fainted at the gates of hell ...I cried at mine. Very powerful, great use of the allusion.
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 5 . 10/21/2013
First a couple nit-picky technical things:

The first is that normally any number under 100 is spelled out in narration. A few times here, mostly when referring to an age, you say either 8 or 4 instead of "eight" or "four." Not a big deal, but it just makes the exposition look better and more consistent.

Another would be that your dialogue punctuation is sometimes incorrect. You go into dialogue from an action tag with a comma instead of a period. For example: [I nodded, "I'll just ask Lily to take..."] The comma after nodded should be a period since it's an action and not a speaker tag. Again, it's something very minor, but the wrong punctuation can make dialogue sound choppy or strange.

As for the content of the story:

I really like that anecdote near the beginning of Ari's nosebleeds. Not only is that an effective flashback that tells us more about Ari's past, but I think it builds on her as a character. The fact she's not afraid of blood says a lot about her, which she probably got from being in the hospital a lot. Or maybe not. I watch the nurses put needles in my arm when I get my blood taken too, haha. Sometimes it creeps them out. But yeah, little things like that, different quirks and habits, really make Ari feel like a real, three-dimensional character. And the more real a character feels, the more attached the reader becomes, and the more the story itself will leave an impact.

Another thing I liked was the dance at the end. The way you described it was really well done and made it easy to picture. You also used a lot of fresh descriptions that are new and unlike anything I've seen before. I particularly enjoyed the moment when she fell to the floor, the moment Odette and Siegfried died. I never knew that ballet dances told a story, which I thought was really cool and informative, too. I learned something new today. ;)
Chancer On The Scene chapter 2 . 1/12/2013
One of the strong points of this chapter is the relationship between Arielle and Alexander. Both have well developed characters and you successfully are able to maintain their characters when they interact with each other. Lines such as "I smirked despite knowing you'd literally kill anyone who put music that wasn't Tchaikowsky or Beethoven on your MP3" as well as "I shook my head, remembering what a klutz you were" really show the depth of the history between them and drives the story forward well, especially since this seems to be a story rooted deeply in the interactions between characters as opposed to following one character's train of thoughts regarding other individuals. Make sure you maintain this is future writing, I enjoyed their banter.

My biggest critique of the piece lies, unfortunately, in the POV style that you've chosen to write in. As much I want to appreciate a change in POV, the use of second person is largely ineffective. I felt as if I was unable to identify as Arielle as a reader which would be the principle reason for using second person. Also, when you keep switching between first person and second person, a lot of what is happening emotionally is lost since the reader is not examining the events with any consistency. Often times it is much more effective to allow the reader to work off of the thoughts of a character (in this case Alexander). Your style might be more effective if it was more refined, but at this point I almost feel as if it is being used just for the sake of being used rather than add additional elements that are vital for the reader to experience the story.

Side note: Something that stood out to me immediately was your use of the phrase "a swan song." While you are correct in regards to its modern day applications, the origin of the swan song is rooted in an old myth that, right before a certain species of swan died, it would sing a beautiful song after remaining silent for its whole life. I'm not sure if you intentionally presented an alternative origin of the phrase or if you were simply unaware of the actual origin, but I thought it best just to let you know regardless since I kept finding myself thinking about that as I continued reading.
Highway Unicorn chapter 3 . 1/12/2013
[Waking up to the steady hum of an oxygen tank, the constant drip of the IV and the eerily familiar antiseptic smell of the hospital brought me back to my childhood—{the days when I was more likely to be seen in the ER than the park, when an IV pole would be decorated with tinsel foil and stars for Christmas, days when mom would take scraps of cloth from old hankies to make headscarves for my Barbies so they'd look like me, days when I could easily say that ER nurses and MRI technicians were my best friends, when I was always tired but never wanted to take naps because I'd always go to sleep unsure if I'd be able to wake up the next day.}] As lovely as this sentence is (what with the great imagery and diction) I feel this is another run-on sentence. I mean, the emotion and imagery in this sentence is awesome, but it's a tad bit long, sooooooo cutting it up won't hurt, at least in my opinion.

[I saw you sitting on a stool by my bed, holding what {I saw} was another analysis...] I think you can cut out the second "I saw" and still have the same meaning, because as of now, the speaker is basically just repeating what she said in the earlier half of this sentence.

[...when I was around {12}...] Spell out twelve.

[Ah, {Jersey Shore}.] You should italize 'Jersey Shore' since it's a trademarked show.

[You said as around {30} minutes...] Thirty.

What I liked about this piece is your imagery, especially at the start. It conveyed strong emotion, and and made me feel sympthany and pity towards the speaker.

What I disliked about this piece was when her parents came in to tell her the news that the cancer was back. I felt her reaction was believeable/raw enough, especially since we're dealing with the big C, which is a heartbreaking and extremely delicate subject. I disliked how Arielle instantly tried to act like she could handle it, moments after just being offically told she has cancer again. What would have made it more touching/emotional is if she broke down, because I would think that somebody would be pretty upset if they found out that death is back on her door step after *just* getting rid of him a few years back. I also found her hobbling out after the guy to be unrealistic at the rate she did it. Personally, if she had stayed with her parents a tad longer, just to hold each other or do *something* together instead of her rushing out right after finding out would be better. Sure, I don't think it's bad that she went out to see the guy to tell him, but I think maybe holding out to do that after digesting her fate with her parents would flow better and make the situation much more realistic.
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 4 . 1/9/2013
[ Dante fainted at the gates of hell… I cried at mine.]

Ah, such a cool line! I love the allusion to The Divine Comedy, and I think it fits so well with the current mood. It also creates a very nice, ominous tone from the beginning. With this mention of Hell, it makes me think of death, and I'm wondering if this is trying to foreshadow something in regards to what might happen to Ariel. Is she going to die? Or, like Dante, will she venture to Hell and make it back out? I think this is a great example of such a small sentence that holds a lot of weight.

[It was the one things fragile in you that would've reminded people that you were still a 9-year old girl if only you showed it.]

This sentence sounds a little awkward. Maybe reword it like this:

"It was the one fragile thing in you that would've reminded people you were still a nine-year-old girl, if only you showed it."

[snoring as the tubes and devices they'd put on you drowned you in a fierce cocktail of painkillers and sedatives.]

This is another nice sentence. I like the use of that word "cocktail" because it gives the painkillers and sedatives a volatile and delusional quality.

[The smile on your face told me you didn't mean to sound so snarky so I nodded, "So, where to?"]

The comma after "nodded" should be a period since this is an action tag.

Overall, I really like this chapter. While it is emotional, I don't think it's as over-the-top as the previous one. I feel like Xan crying is really justified, and the way he handles it is very honorable for someone his age. The only complaint I have is with the ellipses. I don't know if I mentioned them in a previous review, but I think you should get rid of them and replace them with commas or periods. In most cases they don't really create drama, just make the narration drag. But I'm known to have a personal vendetta against ellipses - I just don't think they have a rightful place in narration. They're okay in dialogue, in my opinion, though should be used in moderation to keep things from becoming overly sentimental or melodramatic.

Anyways, I'll stop rambling about ellipses. xD Good job!
Sombrette chapter 3 . 1/8/2013
I see I was correct :( I think your description does a nice job of portraying just how sad the situation is, especially with the memories. I also like the relationship between Arielle and Xander and each chapter is showing more and more just how strong a bond they have which I think makes the whole situation even more sad.

[It just so happened that I learned the word 'pervert' just a few weeks back and didn't really know how to use it so I kept calling the paramedic a perv.] - I snickered at this part, and it does a good job of lightening the mood, if only for a while.

[We went completely silent as they shuffled in,] - here the comma could be a period since you began a new paragraph afterwords. Other than that, a very emotional chapter, but a good one as well.
Highway Unicorn chapter 2 . 1/6/2013
[Dante Alighieri's hell welcomed him with the souls of what I call the 'neutrals' they didn't do any good nor any evil so they were damned to a place which wasn't really hell and wasn't too much of heaven either for the rest of eternity—The Shores of Acheron… the river of pain where they were tormented by insects and maggots that drank their tears and blood.] Woah, run on. Okay. You should do something about this, break it up or whatever, because it's overbearing for the reader right off the bat like this.

[...sick...sickly...sickness...] (These words show up in the length of two paragraphs, up towards the top) Change up these words so the narration doesn't sound redundant.

[You put a 5 dollar bill...] Spell out 'five;' you're suppose to do this with all numbers under one hundred.

I like the friendship between the speaker and Ari; it felt very natural and at ease, with no tension or awkwardness.

I also liked the little bit with the swan, having a graceful death and all. I found that bit to help smooth out the plot and add a special and deep touch to this story.
Sombrette chapter 2 . 1/6/2013
I've never read a story from this POV before and I'm guessing it's second POV? But, it's really interesting. Your narrative is so clear and pretty perfect in my opinion with the description, it's a little heavy but I think it fits. you use And throughout the whole chapter I kept getting this vibe that he was telling her these accounts because something had happened to her. It had a sort of somber mood to it. Though, after seeing the last sentence I see that I might just be right. Stuff like this usually gets me all emotional... lol but I really liked it and it's very well done. I think the only thing I'll say is when you mentioned the five dollar bill, you might want to write the number out, it'll look cleaner.
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 3 . 1/4/2013
[stroking it lightly when you did when we were kids to calm me down.]

"...stroking it lightly to calm me down, like you did when we were kids." Sounds more fluid.

I really like how the open sentence is a long stream of images and memories. I think you do a great job keeping the strength of the sentence throughout the paragraph, too, regardless of how long it is. It makes me think back to writers from around a century ago who would have sentences that were paragraphs, some of them even pages long. But however much I enjoy it myself, just be careful to not overdo that type of syntax - modern readers sometimes aren't able to keep up with it. I don't really see it happen too often throughout this chapter, so my caution probably isn't needed. :)

I don't know if this is just me, but I think the big reveal of her cancer returning is a little... too much. Maybe bordering on melodrama. I don't know if that's an issue with you and what you intended, but all the crying and despairing was a little too much for me. And I feel really mean saying that, haha. I don't think it's something particularly *wrong* with the scene, I just thought I should let you know so you'll see how various readers might react to it. But that's not to say I don't think the emotions were well handled - I thought they came across as very realistic.

[Then, I opened my eyes only to face the deep blue ocean that yours was and placed my other hand on your which was still gently stroking mine.]

This sentence is a bit awkward and overly wordy/confusing. Also, "deep blue ocean" to describe someone's eyes might be a bit too purple prose-y. Maybe reword it like this:

"Then, I opened my eyes to face your deep blue ocean, and placed my other hand over yours."

Once again, I think you do a great job addressing emotion, especially near the end when she's talking to her friend. I really was feeling a large amount of empathy toward her by the end of the chapter; I hope she's able to overcome this. It's terrible someone her age would have to go through it twice.
professional griefer chapter 5 . 1/3/2013
One thing I noticed: [You made your way through the sea of wide eyed kids and]. I think you should probably finish that sentence...:)
I liked how Ariel danced for the little kids, it was a really sweet moment, and I think you conveyed her love of dance really well. However, I thought it was unrealistic that just she and Gwen could perform the ballet by themselves and manage to tell the story.
I really love Xander and Ariel's relationship, you convey the love in it really beautifully, and everything is touching. Their dialogue seems to be filled with emotion even if it's not much.
Nice work.
lookingwest chapter 3 . 1/3/2013
I liked the emotion you put into this in the ending sections with Ari finds out the cancer's back again, I thought you did a good job with her meditating how to handle things, especially when approaching Xan, because it shows development in their relationship and also in her character. Things take on a much more serious tone in this chapter - I like it better than the first one. The second person kind of quality to the narrative is still unique and you're keeping it up pretty well. I liked the part when Xan tried to cheer Ari up by watching Jersey Shore, I thought that was a necessary moment of some comic relief because it let out some tension before her parents returned with the results. Overall a good chapter, pacing was good too.
lookingwest chapter 2 . 1/1/2013
Before telling someone else to write dialogue correctly, you should probably make sure you're writing it correctly yourself. In other words - I don't like the incorrect formatted dialogue because I find it distracting and a demonstration that you don't know how to format dialogue correctly in the first place (if you break dialogue rules, make sure you know them first and have a good reason), remember dialogue should look like this:

"Hello," she said.

Or:

She said, "Hello."

Notice how the "she said" blends with the dialogue as one sentence. You should treat it as one whole sentence, not two separate ones. And always remember your comma. If you need further instruction, look it up on Google. But I see you've already been told this in reviews before this, so I doubt you'll go the extra mile, but I really think it would clean up the technical writing aspect.

"Cmon" is "C'mon"

Anyway, I liked the beginning because it caught my interest and I think the actual dialogue *content* is saying good stuff and I thought it was realistic. It's unique that this is in second person and I like that because I think it's creative and I don't see it that often. I think telling a whole novel with this sort of first/second person feel should be a fun challenge but I think you have a good grip on it so far. The ending could be more unique - but it made me curious to see what happened to Arielle. Unique name choices too!
Whirlymerle chapter 4 . 12/27/2012
[That night 7 years ago, I ran home crying, think about losing my best friend but just two months after] You should spell out the seven to keep consistency with the two. Also, generally any number under 101 should be spelled out unless you're going for stylistic effects. Same with "3 weeks"

[It was a mortal sin for me to have cried in front of you—Greed.] I don't understand this.

I think you do a great job playing up the tragedy of the piece. The detail about how Ari had to leave up to the name "The girl who never cried" was both attention catching and heart wrenching. I thought you pulled the whole thing off in a really intimate, sweet way by having Xan narrate.
professional griefer chapter 4 . 12/27/2012
Ooh, I liked how you opened with the impulse thing. It definitely hooked me in, and then made me laugh with the mention of the teacher. I think it would be more interesting to expand upon the impulse thing though, I found it quite interesting and wanted to read more.
I really liked this chapter in general, I felt that everything was very well executed and beautiful. (I'm gonna be more specific, don't you worry :))
I really loved the emotion in the chapter, especially towards the end. You make how strongly Xander feels about Ariel so very very clear and beautiful, and I almost cried in the last paragraph. You make the reader feel so invested, especially with the use of the second person. Great execution of POV, honestly.
I also liked your inclusion of the flashback, it was a nice moment to show us, and it was a nice mirror/foreshadowing moment for what's to come. Or that's the way it seems, at least.
I hope you update soon!
27 | Page 1 2 Next »