Reviews for Unattainable
iampay chapter 1 . 12/12/2012
At first I am like what the F is going on here. But in hindsight it was awesomely written.

I really liked how the story started out about Ember, then Switched to Haven and ultimately ended up about the power of Dia.

Within the first 200 words you create such a bond between Ember and Haven. I really thought Haven was the "god" but to find out that he is a "servant" also was a pleasant surprise.

The only thing that kind of through me off was from the dialog in the beginning. How it switches from thoughts to actual speaking. However by the middle end of the story I understood what was going on.
Overall great tale.
A. Gray chapter 1 . 12/12/2012
This is a powerful piece. I love how you give us Ember's thoughts so that we get a bit more depth into what is going on. It was slightly confused about the more than human bit when she thought it. It gave me the impression that humans weren't sacrificed. Maybe a bit of clarity there could be used. I think you mean that she was a flawed human not a special one that Dia would want.
I like Dia showing at the end, and how you show that she is a selfish goddess and the priests know that. It really gives depth into how deep and unrelenting their devotion and her power over them is.
The last thing that really left me wondering is if the Dia took the body? It's the impression I got, but what would she want it for? I would like to see a bit more clarity on that.
B. H. Stokes chapter 1 . 12/7/2012
I like the characters because they are pretty believable and interesting. However, I'm slightly confused about what the italics in this story are supposed to represent. I dislike these because I can't tell if these are someone's thoughts and, if they are, whose thoughts they are. Overall, this in a great beginning! I love how much Haven does love Dia and how you clearly state that. Please update.
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 12/7/2012
First thing I like is the italics woven into the rest of the narration. I think it gives the piece a very unique rhythm, and during the entire short-story I'm wondering who in fact is saying this. I'm guessing it's the goddess, but I think it could also be Haven since it mentions he's chanting. Or perhaps it's both of them, since Haven is a priest for the goddess. If you had something specific in mind for the italics, maybe make it a little more obvious who it might be (if you want it to be more obvious), but I quite like the ambiguity of it, so I personally don't think you need to change it. It all really depends on what you're trying to achieve.

I also like how you personify these characters through their names, like you have Haven who is dealing with the afterlife and the idea that he sends souls to (possibly) be accepted into heaven with the goddess. (Or where ever it is that she takes them.) I also think Ember is a clever name, since if she isn't accepted by the goddess then her body is fated to be burned.

I find this idea of the priest being in love with the goddess incredibly interesting, and I think it also has potential to be expanded upon. Like, I could see an entire book being written on that one prospect alone, so I think it's great that you inserted such a heavy theme in so little amount of space.

[shining light on her and forcing her to be a deer in headlights.]

One nit-pick is that this metaphor is a little overused and could be considered cliche, so perhaps thinking of another simile/metaphor to describe this girl's shock would be better. Or maybe just describing her physical reaction without the simile/metaphor would suffice.
Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 12/6/2012
I really enjoyed this! I think the strongest aspect of this piece is how well you construct this world and this scene without explicitly telling the readers what's going on. You control the feed of info really well so that we get absorbed but not confused.

I do think that some aspects of this piece can be tightened. Like, I really wasn't a fan of the "deer in the headlights" description. It's kind of cliché, and I feel like for a piece like this, you really want your metaphors to stand out.

Great job!
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 12/6/2012
I think you set up the scene and the follow-through really well, starting slow and building up the tension throughout the progression. You do a good job of making Ember's thoughts - fears - real to the reader with the laced-in italics, and by the time she's teetering on that brink of death I felt afraid for her even though I realized soon after it was hopeless and that she had to die to 'meet' Her.

I also love the imagery throughout. It's cool and elegant, tinged with hints of eroticism and dark beauty. The whole piece toes the line between twisted romance and cult horror of some sort, but I like the finished result.

And finally, the twist that applying a feminine pronoun and making The Deity female was emphasized I think in an awesome way at the end, when you say that she basically seduces all the priests with her beauty and splendor and they follow her because they love her. It's just...a really fantastic spin, I think, on the typical Western concept of the male/father God - not that no ones ever brought female deities into fiction, but the way you do it in this piece I think is original. That was sloppily worded, but I'm tired.

Point: nice job. :)

- Moonstar