reddir chapter 1 . 2/16
In the second paragraph, the second instance of "White Mage" is not needed. It would read better without it, as he says it directly just a few words before.
Also, what is a "seemingly glary hill"?

Very interesting start, albeit kinda dark.

I like how you worked the shifts in tone, both the start and the main part of the chapter. Nothing actually jarring, but still having that sudden change at the end which allows us to consider Kishin as potentially sympathetic...without having him reveal much at all.

At the end, I am left feeling sorry for him. Instead of the horror I might normally expect.
Miles Montgomery chapter 2 . 12/9/2013
Oooh...Wanting more already. How will most of the guildie's react when they realize he's a reaper? I suspect Yuu already knows. :D
Miles Montgomery chapter 1 . 12/9/2013
Wow. Evil does win apparently. All three? You could've left one alive at least lol
E.T.Novem chapter 1 . 6/22/2013
Okay now, time for a review. I'm intrigued with your story under the reason that,
1. It's a MMORPG genre story.
2. I'm exploring writers who are writing similar genre as I am.
3. Its basis was somehow built upon SAO.
4. That said, the story started with a cliche yet interesting twist.

Your writing is good, but it lacked description. I like the transitions and for awhile, I honesty thought Kishin the swordsman was the Fullmetal. However, you've twisted it around in a fine way that even I got surprised. So props for that.
Because of the way it ended for this chapter, it makes you wonder what happened to Asagi now?
Two problems though.
Firstly, because this is a game, I thought it would be impossible to have two players of the same name. But if it's allowed, future developments may be much interesting due to the way you can play around that.
Second, you've written it in a narrative way, but ended with 'this is my story.' It kinda throws the reader away due to the 180 change of style but if you want to retain that, I guess you will need to change your writing Abit prior to the last sentence.

Other than that, I would say its a good work that although bares similarity to SAO but have their own unique driving point.
kingofe3 chapter 2 . 6/6/2013
There's quite a bit of changing between first and third person, kinda confusing.

Aside from that this seems like a different take on the "You die for real or serious" MMO genre. You bitch slapped SAO with this and kinda hope you continue to do so. This has some potential, like many stories you're not continuing.
kingofe3 chapter 1 . 6/6/2013
I actually felt you made fun of SAO's traits in here, then cut it away and to form something. Quite clever.
Ereh chapter 2 . 6/3/2013
I seriously don't know where you're going with this. Knowing you, sooner or later you'll butcher one of the characters here. Ah, you already did it in chapter one. I'll try to avoid treating this as another SAO-based story. XD

LOL I find it funny that I can sympathize with Ai. I too, don't like working as a team in a game. (And I enjoy PK)
Ereh chapter 1 . 6/3/2013
Eh, did I just sense a lot of SAO references? Aside from the synopsis, some parts of the story had some sort of similarity.

Though that ending got me. Didn't expect that to happen. So were there two Kishins?

And I'm going to sound weird here. I like the part where the two flirty girls died. They deserve it hoho!
c'estquatre chapter 1 . 3/12/2013
I swear I reviewed this when it came out...
Probably I just said something on the forum and didn't anyway here goes.

Unlike everyone whose saying 'this is like SAO,' or 'when I clicked on this I thought it was like SAO but then I realized it's not,' or even 'har har har, I assume this is your take on SAO.' It isn't. For one SAO doesn't start in media-res, but you've taken that on. However, seeing this might properly seem to be Chapter 9, I guess you have the whole story already planned out, unless one memoir takes more than a chapter. However if this really is the end... and it's memoir 9... it seems kinda short considering how much you have to get to become a Reaper. Which means the timeskips would be gigantic and I'm just rambling on right now trying to predict what's going to happen.

Either way, White Mage who gives up all your items and equipment, 666,666,666G, and be relegated back to level 1 with your stats and abilities while fighting monsters at the Corpse Garden that all over level 70 sounds pretty hardcore. Hardcore in a good way.
Kurogatari chapter 2 . 3/2/2013
A bonding moment on a quest? Now what I read allowed some questions of my own but I guess I'm just being too eager for only two chapters. Your chapters cover a good segment but at the same time I can't shake off the idea they're slightly short, I blame the other books that I be reading for the most part.

lol, bashing on SAO. Are you personally saying- "This is how you do it?"
Kurogatari chapter 1 . 3/2/2013
I like to admit that was quite the amusing twist I seen. Now I'm stupidly curious about his background or how much of a time lapse since Asagi is no longer a character to my notice. I thought SAO at first because it's decent but your story amuses way more then what that could do, lost count how many times I ended dropping it.

Looking forward to the continuation of this.
Stardrag chapter 1 . 1/16/2013
Just wondering but did you mean to have so many shout outs to the other MMO based anime and games out there? It feels like Sword Art Online mixed with .Hack GU. But I thought the story was cool for an opening and there was a nice ending in a way and it did get me interested.

Corrections listed below

she pointed a gargantuan tree that stretched beyond the clouds that was far from the two. -it should say "pointed out a" or "pointed to a".

see hooded young man in a ragged cloak-"see a" it's just missing the a. And also an a to the magic staff later on in the paragraph.

Isn't that pretty girly a name?-forgot the a again, lol, between that and pretty

like ruins of a temple-"the" between like and ruins

Her ands started to fade away in a blue hue-That's supposed to be hands, right? You forgot the "h".

leaving only the sound of the rain to be heard-it's a nice line, but personally, I don't think you need the "to be heard" part.

Kishin grip on his blade was tighter than before-it's suppossed to be a 's to make Kishin's grip.
McMicah chapter 1 . 1/13/2013
I liked this one. At first, I thought, "What? After that touching scene, he is traipsing about with these random chicks?" But the resolution at the end cleared that up. The Reaper challenge is also very interesting. I have to know how the Fullmetal Reaper did it.

But I do agree with the other guy on the town name. It's just...weird for a virtual fantasy world setting.
Ryou Arubin chapter 1 . 12/17/2012
Thought it was gonna be a light read for me to get my own engines (writing) started, but wow! The plot really caught me off guard :o

The boy's consciousness started to dissipate as he body almost failed on him. - small typo here. "his body".

:o "Czechoslovkia"? Don't be lazy and go research or think of a better name. :p

Aw! That stinger at the end, a good one nonetheless. Do continue this! :D
Lolitroy chapter 1 . 12/13/2012
Oh I honestly thought this was going to be another copy of Swort Art Online, which would've let me down since your other story's so awesome . Fortunately, it wasn't. But I suggest that you change the summary a little, just to make sure nobody comes and lames your story for being similar O.o
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