|Reviews for -0F Siberia|
| Complex Variable chapter 1 . 12/16/2012
Ok, so—I've been reading this for a while now—and, I feel like I just have to say something.
1) You need to HEAVILY edit and reformat this story (and your other story, for that matter). For starters: Do not put in a line break after every sentence. (i.e., don't press RETURN after each sentence). Take a look at the other stories on FictionPress—that's actually a really great way to figure out some basic things that one needs to alter about their own writing; pretty much all of them are formatted in a clean, paragraph structure. Never forget that presentation is important! The grammar, spelling, organization, format, and other technical features of your writing are very important in making your story appealing to a would-be reader. 'Cause, I can tell you right now, as a reader, it is definitely off-putting to see a story without formatting.
More generally, there are many, many spelling errors, grammar errors, missing punctuation marks, and so on scattered throughout your writing, and that's a HUGE no-no. Being a writer is kind of like having to do homework for the rest of your life—you need to treat your writing as if it's the final exam to a hugely important class you're taking in school. You have to make sure that there are virtually no errors—otherwise, it's hard for a reader to take you seriously.
2) Don't use capital letters every time a character shouts. It's way too over the top. Just say something like "I screamed" or "Celestia yelled" instead; writing in caps is not a very mature thing to do. Also—more importantly—if you use caps all the time for screaming, then, if you ever have a situation where it IS appropriate to capitalize the scream, the effect won't seem as special.
3) When you insert your section breaks (the [-0F Siberia] things), make the center-justified (i.e., in the middle of the page, rather than sticking out as if they're rejected lines of text).
4) [My friend Billyy said beside me. (Siberian Husky get it?)] - - - When you talk to the reader directly in these parenthetical comments, it's really REALLY tacky. Under no circumstances should you EVER explain one of your jokes in-text, or explain why you're using a particular song for your character to play, or why you're skipping over writing about dragon math class. It's really hard to take you seriously when you do something like that; it make a reader feel like you don't take them seriously—and that's definitely not where you want to go.
5) On the plus side, you definitely have a lively imagination! You've thrown a huge amount of different story/world elements into this story. It's always a good thing, having lots of ideas, just waiting to come out. But—just because it is so important that you understand this—unless your presentation is up to par, it makes it very difficult for a reader to get hooked on what you have to say.
Yes, this story (and your other one) are currently in a rather messy state. But, you have an entertaining authorial voice, and no shortage of new ideas. Don't let my harsh words dull your spirits (and, I certainly don't want to come across as sounding harsh, so I apologize if I do); just take your writing, read it over, out-loud—word by word. Fix every mistake; repair every error; format it properly, clean it up, and maybe even add more to what you've already written. Then, keep on writing, and hope for the best.
Keep up the good work,