|Reviews for Betrothed|
| Kommissar chapter 1 . 12/19/2012
There are a lot of choppy sentences. Not sure if that was the intention, but it kind of ruins the flow a bit since some of them could be combine together to form a proper sentence, and thus would flow better.
[Obviously it had made a mistake and had been led astray. Abandoning its duties to chase a false trail which it wrongly believed served its purpose here. And so not intentionally unproductive, but simply mistaken.]
This is reinstating what we the readers have already been told. Be careful not to repeat yourself.
[But it occurred to her that this particular insect kind was a stinging sort of insect. At least…she was fairly sure that it was. And so that might prove troublesome, should she attempt to relocate it by hand and was stung in the process.]
There are lines like this where the answer is really obvious, but it’s possible that she’s not that educated on how bees work. She second guesses herself all the time. The problem with a line like this is that it goes on too long. The last sentence in that paragraph is redundant, unless I am to believe that she has no idea what pain is.
The skin and eye descriptions are a bit clumsily told. The narration adds ‘of course’ to the skin color as if it were obvious even though we readers can’t really make such a conclusion, then it goes on to say that the light brown shades speak of nobility. Then it also notices the eye color for common stock even though this has already been established that everything else is common save for the brown hue.
[cocking his head to the side slightly to indicate thoughtful consideration.]
Cocking his head is showing; the rest is telling.
The dialogue runs into the painfully formal. It sounds a lot like the narrative: distant, wordy and bloated. I suppose this is how they talk; the society they live in seems to be very strict on presentation and profession. I’m not sure if the bee being out of bounds is symbolism that determines the fate of the characters
You don’t capitalize ‘he’ or ‘she’ at the end of the dialogue. You also need to be careful not to rely too much on dialogue tags.
| vanu chapter 22 . 12/18/2012
I am hooked. Your style of writing immediately caught my attention. Also the way the characters are written really draws you in. I love that the story is different then the usual. Very sad when I made it to the most recent chapter because I am completely absorbed by the story and can't wait to read more because it is so interesting. I hope to see more soon and will be keeping an eye out for the next chapter.
| Anonymouser chapter 22 . 12/14/2012
In case anyone's actually following along here, it may be a few days before I can get back to this one. My apologies.