|Reviews for Evelyn|
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 2 . 12/17/2012
Hmm... I normally will read it all and leave a big review at the end, but I saw you wanted a review per chapter so I decided what the heck? A very interesting first chapter, it's an agreeable length that sums up the main character's bleak life pretty quickly. We don't know much about the world yet, which keeps the reader reading. It's very interesting. (:
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 1 . 12/17/2012
Wow... Interesting start. It was short, but most prologues are. It opens it up for a wonder of different ways the book could go, it leaves the reader wondering. I couldn't find any mistakes as I read. The story flowed smoothly. Good job!
| professional griefer chapter 1 . 12/14/2012
I really liked how little info you initially gave away, it really brought an air of mystery to the piece and I was intrigued from the beginning.
I didn't really care for your use of adjectives, that was a bit over the top and weighed the prose down considerably.
I also didn't like that after the first few paragraphs, your paragraphs got chunky and infodump-y. I just feel like you started giving too much away.
Overall, nice work, but I think there are a few things to work on.
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 12/14/2012
I liked the use of pronouns here. I feel like it added to the suspense of your opening. The simple, repetitive nature of "he" and "she" were attention-grabbing. And then, when you did introduce the title character, Evelyn, by name, it was sort of the climax of the tension you'd built up with the stream of consciousness style.
In order to tighten up your prose, I would suggest losing some of your adverbs. You have quite a few, and though a few are fine, too many tend to water down your writing and create a juvenile-sounding narrative.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 12/14/2012
I think your beginning would be more of a hook opening if you took out the first paragraph. In that first paragraph you pretty much tell the reader where these people are and what's about to happen, and taking it out will leave a sense of suspense/questions and mystery that's perfect for a hook opening.
Also, just be careful of redundancies. For example:
[He hated himself, but mostly he resented his parents. They had asked him to do this, an awful request to ask of such a young boy. He hadn't wanted to do this but he knew he had to.]
In this passage, I think the first and third sentences pretty much say the same thing. Or, well, the first sentence *shows* his distress and reluctance to do this deed, and the third *tells* it. So I think you could occasionally condense by taking out the telling and letting the showing do its job, since by this point I'm already getting the impression he doesn't want to be in this prison; I don't really need to be told it as well.
Condensing some of the lines might help with the general rhythm, too. For example:
[He took comfort in the fact that the girl he was seeing in front of him was not really his sister. The girl he saw in front of him was the monster they were trying to rid their family of. ]
In the first sentence the "the girl he was seeing in front of him" could just be "the girl" since it's already implied he's looking at her and she's in front of him. Same with the second sentence. I wasn't sure if the repetition was intentional and meant to aid the suspense, but I think it's doing the opposite by making the narration drag. But like I mentioned above with the condensing of the paragraphs, I think doing it on a line-by-line edit would be better. It's a good practice to only use as many words as you need in order to say or narrate something.
I really like this conflict you have between the boy and his sister, Evelyn. The way his emotions keep going back and forth between wanting to help his sister and do what his parents want is very believable, and I think it makes him overall a more likable character because of his empathy.
Hope you found this review helpful!
| Tumbleweedr chapter 4 . 12/14/2012
I love your descriptions during their escape, especially when Evelyn is using her magic at the end. I could really see the scene and had a little soundtrack going in my head while listening. I really hope to learn more about Damon and Sasha in the next chapter or at least soon!
| Tumbleweedr chapter 3 . 12/14/2012
I was hoping she would escape, but the rescue was just as good! Is it her brother? Guess I'll have to read on to find out. Nice to get to see her magic too! And find out why she hadn't used it to get away.
| wisedec4u chapter 2 . 12/14/2012
I did not read the Prologue so my review is solely based on this chapter alone. With that said, I thought this was great opening scene. You did a wonderful job with description and making me feel that I was in the cell beside Evelyn as the guards approached her. I also liked how you gave us flashes of her past which gave me some pertinent of info about her backstory. I appears that every who's tried their best to protect have died and now she on her own. You start to wonder if she going insane under the pressure or if the voice in her head real. My question is if she is such a powerful magician, how is it that human's can so easily hold her captive? Does the shackles somehow tamper her magic. It just seems a little unrealistic that her having such advantage over her captors would not work in her favor in some way.
| Link Roc chapter 4 . 12/14/2012
The only real problem I saw here was this bit:
He started towards us, pulling his sword from its hilt.
The hilt is actually part of the HANDLE of the sword, what you're meaning here is "pulling his sword from its sheath (or scabbard, both same)"
Other than that, this was a good chapter! Might wanna read through and spot some of the minor spelling mistakes. I got a really good image about the fighting and the whole escape from the prison. You're doing good, keep it up!
| Link Roc chapter 3 . 12/14/2012
You know, I knew that she wasn't likely to get far in her condition, but I was actually rooting/hoping she'd get away when she made the mosh pit jump off the stage away from the guard XD I really liked this chapter! I REALLY hope that Leon gets one HELL of a beatdown or some kind of punishing karma coming his way, because he's already my least favorite character. I'm betting there will be more, but right now, he's the first.
So glad she got rescued! Oh and NOT ended up going crazy, that's always a good thing XD
| A Fire Rose chapter 1 . 12/13/2012
Hey, there! I think you meant "barren" instead of "baron" in the first line. And you don't need that line anyway, since you proceed to describe the room. Some of your sentences start out choppy. When the narrator mentions his parents, he mentioned his sister twice in the same sentence, so it becomes repetative. Nice descriptions on the emotions! "This was his little sister, this was Evelyn" should probably be "This was his little sister; this was Evelyn." Also, "Come on, boy, you need to rest now."The guard said. should be "Come on, boy, you need to rest now," the guard said. Great details with the eye color! Your introduction makes me interested in what is happening.
| Tumbleweedr chapter 2 . 12/12/2012
I think this was a very well done chapter. It gave us some back story on Evelyn, at least how she knows it, gave a good look at her personality and set up for the next chapter. I like Evelyn so far, and the world seems interesting.
One question was raised: Is Evelyn not human? Or do magicians just call those without magic humans like they're looking down on them? Or like in X-men, the mutants call non-mutants human, despite pretty much being the same thing?
| Tumbleweedr chapter 1 . 12/12/2012
I really like this! It sounds like it's going to be a great story! The struggle the brother has is very nicely done, although I think perhaps more emotion could be added to him. But this way, I don't feel so connected to him, which might work since he's not your main character (or at least I assume so given the title and summary).
The opening paragraph was probably the hardest part for me to get through. It just read blah. Repeated use of the word "room" in the first few sentences kinda got to me. Once I got through the second paragraph, though, it got better and I really enjoyed it.
| Link Roc chapter 2 . 12/12/2012
I like how we went from a narrative point of view to first person view with Evelyn telling the story. Again, thanks to the way you've written it, I can really see it in my mind's eye as I read it. You don't do EXCESSIVE amounts of detail and you don't do too little; you get just the right amount to fill it out and give the readers an image.
I don't blame Evelyn for being a pessimist. If I were in her shoes and lived that, I would be that way too! I feel so bad for the girl.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 12/12/2012
Yay, another Australian. (I know that's off topic, but oh well...)
As far as chapter titles though, I think you should format it a little differently, eg. bold or italicise or centre, or a combination of them. That way it stands out from the actual chapter. The eyes read faster than the brain after all.
[The room was relatively baron] - barren?
Considering those first two sentences, I don't think it really works in your favour to repeat "the room". We as readers know you're talking about the room in the first sentence; repeating it so closely (particularly when there's nothing to confuse) doesn't add anything. You could say something like: "it was barren, just the plain stone walls..." . On top of that, stone and dark makes me think of cold, but you haven't mentioned that. Those beginning sentences could be structured a little different to work better presentation and interest into it I think. As it is, it's a little grating to read through; it feels a little like the stuff teachers forced us to read in primary school. The rest of the paragraph was fine though; it's just those initial sentences geared around the description of the room/setting.
I also find it rather odd that you've got "parents" and then "little sister" - but only "little sister" under family. If that's the case, the information given in the second paragraph doesn't really make sense. Asked by parents to betray family? Family is stronger, so I'd think they'd go for the family and not the parents. After all, not all kids get along with parents but family is family. Of course, they're all subjective words, but the fact that you've used family to describe "little sister" implies that the boy thinks the same way.
[The frenzied, crazy look on the girl's face, the almost animal way she moved made him accept that this wasn't really his sister and finally accept that he was about to do the right thing by his sister.] - this sentence reads rather oddly to me. Perhaps a comma after "moved"? On the other hand, that look you've described has gained my interest. Particularly since the POV is, while third person, subjective.
[it's still the darkness." The boy's father said firmly. ] - "darkness," the boy's father... I'd also put a semicolon before "it's still..."
["Come on, boy, you need to rest now."The guard said.] - "...rest now," the guard said.
This is an interesting scene you've set up; you've made the darkness inherently evil, but at the same time you've implied that something may happen later on to change that. I'm hoping it does actually; I prefer them not to be in black and white. I also like, although I do feel it could be stronger in places, the feelings of the unnamed boy. It supports well the action and information that's given throughout this prologue, as well as draws in something personal. It also sets the groundwork for many possibilities to show themselves later on in the chapter.