|Reviews for What Truly Matters|
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 2 . 1/7/2013
I really like the writing style of this story. It moves quickly but without sacrificing the necessary plot and character information.
There is quite a lot of repetition in the paragraph where you describe Kaja's appearance- for example you describe the colour of her eyes more than once, and the scar. It might be better to shorten this and just mention each thing once here. You can reiterate these details later to remind the reader, perhaps in the next chapter or two.
Overall though this was a well written chapter. I'm interested to find out what happens next.
| Syneia chapter 2 . 1/7/2013
I thought this was very well written, it flowed really well. it was one of those stories that kept you reading which is always a good thing hehe. the descriptions were pretty good and it felt real. ... On to the next chapter!
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 1 . 1/7/2013
Well, this is short, but promising. I like the simple yet descriptive way this is set out- it's an interesting style that instantly drew me in.
From the Roadhouse :)
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 3 . 12/31/2012
When I first gave a review the format and such was so different than it is now. I can already tell your improving. (:
I like this story, but at places it just seems kind of bland, and at others choppy. By no means is that bad, it's the start of the story, it will have places like that. You have an interesting plot setup here, and I'm looking forward to where you take it. There are grammar errors and at some places it interrupts the flow of the story, but otherwise it's well written. Sometimes it seems rushed, too, and occasionally lacks details, but none of that is bad.
"Aamir shook his head and clapped his hands together. Causing the letters in his hands to crumple slightly"
You should have put a comma there instead of a period. The period messes up the flow and makes it choppy. There's other places like this, I'm just using this one as an example.
Overall I think this story has amazing potential, and so do you as a writer. Keep listening to your reviews, you will keep getting better. You've met my standards about a high-school story and gone over the top. Kudos to you!
| Guest chapter 3 . 12/29/2012
I'm intrigued. And there's Cameron!
| DarylDixon'sgirl1985 chapter 3 . 12/28/2012
I'm intrigued about the letter. What's up with that? And I like how Amir is so nice to Kaja. I can't wait to read more. Please update again soon.
| Lady Kirei chapter 3 . 12/28/2012
Awesome! I love this chapter. Keep it up.
| Child of Sleep chapter 2 . 12/28/2012
It's nice that you put so emotion into this chapter, it really creates character and atmosphere. But remember to create worry. Maybe Kaja is worried about her new life? Why? Create anxiety within the reader, so that they'd want to know what happens next, so that they'd want to read on to the next chapter. This chapter is a nice start, but nothing really happens.
Note: Remember to create new paragraphs whenever there's dialog.
Ex. "Middle finger please." The man simply said as he pointed to the device that scanned fingerprints.
"Oh right." I said softly as I placed my middle finger on the scanner. And nothing happened. The man grumbled, glared at me and bit out a
"Too wet." He passed me a roll of what looked to be toilet paper to wipe my fingers dry.
Overall, this was a nice chapter! I couldn't find any typos or grammer mistakes or spelling mistakes. This chapter was informative about Kaja's life. It tells you about her emotions-why she's sad, what she's leaving behind, etc. It was also descriptive.
"I never knew customs agents could actually turn purple in annoyance." That line was great. It emphasized how enraged the man was.
| Sombrette chapter 2 . 12/22/2012
This is a nice beginning :) I'm curious on how her switch of countries is going to go for her. That's usually a big shock for a teenager.
Alrighty, so something I wanted to point out. Your dialogue is fine but the format needs some tweaking. I'll give you an example of what I saw.
[ It all told me that I wouldn't like this news. I wouldn't like it at all. "Dad what's wrong?" My dad let out another sigh and looked up at me. "I got a new job, a better one at Philips medical solutions." I actually smiled, that wasn't so bad. "That's great Dad." I said happily.]
There are two different people speaking in this paragraph, Kaja and her dad. You usually start a new paragraph every time someone different speaks so it doesn't get confusing and you know who's talking.
So it should look like this.
[It all told me that I wouldn't like this news. I wouldn't like it at all. "Dad what's wrong?"
My dad let out another sigh and looked up at me. "I got a new job, a better one at Philips medical solutions."
I actually smiled, that wasn't so bad. "That's great Dad." I said happily.]
It's cleaner that way and more clear. Anyway, I liked it. Kaja seems like a typical teenager who is ashamed of her 'flaws' if you even want to call them that lol I think she's just self conscious. I would love to see how she develops further. I will say to watch your tenses though. I saw it switching from past to present here and there and generally your suppose to stick with just one. Other than that I think it's a great start :)
| Lady Kirei chapter 2 . 12/22/2012
This is as I said before, a great story. Definitely like the detail, emotion and depth in this rewrite. Very nice job!
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 5 . 12/22/2012
First off, I like your idea of having other people submit characters! Coming up with characters to all be different than the others can be difficult sometimes. However, it can be difficult to pen a character you didn't invent yourself, I'm looking forward to see how you do this. The transition from chapter 1 to 2 was kind of rough, and repeating the final sentence of 1 as the start of 2 can be a little repetitve. It isn't a bad idea though, it could refresh the reader's memory, but I would suggest maybe removing it. You have an interesting plot idea, I'm looking forward to reading more!
| RawrHappi chapter 5 . 12/22/2012
I liked it, though it seemed like the part chapter four played was as an information dump. It's how a lot of people introduce characters in first person though so not too far off. I'm proud of your girl though, I'm sick of main girls who are all perfect little things with no real flaws to them. I was a bit confused by the beginning of chapter four, how it started off in the school and then jumped back before that. I had to go back and reread it to realize what was going on between there and the airport.
There's a lot of potential, and you have a lot of patience for actually writing out the longer scenes where most people normally start skipping stuff. There were a few grammatical errors but not too bad that they interrupted anything. Keep up the good writing!
| Lady Kirei chapter 5 . 12/22/2012
This is so awesome! I'm happy you're using Henri as the principle, he's so...well, you know, fair? If only all principles were like him. Hm, really feel bad for Kaja, to be upheaved from her home. So far, it's a great start, don't start!
| Kay Iscah chapter 4 . 12/21/2012
You have a flashback inside a flashback here. I understand you wanted to start the story with some action or conflict, but I think you would do better to cut off the first few paragraphs and start with:
"My name is Kaja Maas, and this is my story."
There are a LOT of stories about highschoolers getting bullied, particularly by cheerleaders and jocks. The slushie just feels like a Glee moment. What's distinctive about this and far more interesting to me is Kaja's experience as high school immigrant. Bullying may be an element of that, but I think there's more to this character than just the role of victim.
You say things started with her parents telling her the news, so I'd like to start the story with that scene. How did they break it to her? Give some description of the world she knew, so the reader can go through losing that with her.
On one hand, it's nice to get a character description and shows her connection to her parents...on the other, the girl describes herself in a way that makes her sound very attractive, except perhaps for the small scar, then calls herself ugly. Normal teen insecurity, but it feels out of place somehow.
Maybe she could save it for sometime when she spots herself in the mirror? Or she looks at her parents and thinks about her own appearance. Apparently her dad is very winning, maybe that makes her feel plain by comparison?
Once the story gets to the airport it moves nicely...and the first few paragraphs have a nice visual sense to them, I just think they belong later in the story.
| Link Roc chapter 4 . 12/19/2012
This isn't too bad. Nice introduction on main characters, good backstory start on the main heroine and her family, also letting us have a peek at her strange visions with that woman in white. I admit, I haven't read a story where it starts out like yours, where you put up a cast, have a list for characters needed and everything, but that aside, it's an interesting story.