Reviews for The Forgotten
TheOneAndOnlyBangBang chapter 2 . 5/20/2013
Your opening paragraph was great from what I can tell. Very descriptive in showing the setting, but one thing you did not soon after irked me a little. You have one line dedicated to saying [The figure stood] which isn't a problem on its own. But then you start the next paragraph by saying [The female figure stood] which cuts off the flow of the story. You've already used [The figure stood] so you do not need to tell us that she stood again. If you put the second line in to tell the reader the figure was female, I'd recommend either taking out the first mention of standing or take out the second sentence and replace the first with [The female figure stood], like this:

[The female figure stood, the scene in front of her one of happiness and relaxation] and taking out the part where it says she stood [amongst the trees and the woods] because we already know where she is. Obviously its up to you how you change it (that is, if you want to) but I'd recommend that you do, seeing as an interrupted flow pulls readers out of the story.

I think the paragraph beneath the line about irony should be cut in half, so long as the cut is appropriate and makes sense. Nobody likes to read a wall of text, which is what you're presenting here. Granted, sometimes it doesn't make sense to start a new paragraph, but I think it would work if you did it like this:

From:
[The female figure pushed the cloth aside, and strode into the main room of the house. Burn marks cascaded down the walls, symbols of a struggle long ago. The main light lay in a corner, smashed beyond repair. Three torches, tied together with a simple knot and suspended from the roof, provided all the necessary light to see and move. A sofa, in surprisingly good condition given the general state of the room, leant against one wall. The other had a small hole at around chest-height, probably the result of the explosion that tore through the house all those years ago. This hole had not been patched up, and was instead employed as a makeshift window. Through it, one could see an almost picturesque scene – a babbling brook, a forlorn, almost-dead tree withering under the weight of its own leaves and a moon rising above it all, illuminating this particular area. The light from the moon fell at such an angle that it was reflected off the surface, the rippling lights shining off the trees and the rocks. Such a peaceful scene was spoiled only by the ground in front of it, which was littered with twisted metal and small shards of glass. The source of the metal was hard to locate, but was traceable to a shattered hulk of machinery, off to the right. The machine could not be identified, it had been destroyed so. This crippled machine dipped slightly into the brook, its front – or back – touching the waters. This rusted hulk seemed almost peaceful, as if its ghosts had long since departed. Now it stood as a testament to what humankind aspires to – a rotting hulk, with plants growing onto it. It was practically inundated with them, a man-made flower bed.]

To:
[The female figure pushed the cloth aside, and strode into the main room of the house. Burn marks cascaded down the walls, symbols of a struggle long ago. The main light lay in a corner, smashed beyond repair. Three torches, tied together with a simple knot and suspended from the roof, provided all the necessary light to see and move. A sofa, in surprisingly good condition given the general state of the room, leant against one wall. The other had a small hole at around chest-height, probably the result of the explosion that tore through the house all those years ago. This hole had not been patched up, and was instead employed as a makeshift window. Through it, one could see an almost picturesque scene – a babbling brook, a forlorn, almost-dead tree withering under the weight of its own leaves and a moon rising above it all, illuminating this particular area.

The light from the moon fell at such an angle that it was reflected off the surface, the rippling lights shining off the trees and the rocks. Such a peaceful scene was spoiled only by the ground in front of it, which was littered with twisted metal and small shards of glass. The source of the metal was hard to locate, but was traceable to a shattered hulk of machinery, off to the right. The machine could not be identified, it had been destroyed so. This crippled machine dipped slightly into the brook, its front – or back – touching the waters. This rusted hulk seemed almost peaceful, as if its ghosts had long since departed. Now it stood as a testament to what humankind aspires to – a rotting hulk, with plants growing onto it. It was practically inundated with them, a man-made flower bed.]

might work a little bit better.

[The young woman slept on.

The next day….

The young woman] this bit also irks me for the same reason as at the top of this review. The repetition of the [young woman] kind of causes the flow of the story to crash and burn, and it once again makes the reader double take, in this case to make sure they didn't just read the same sentence. I'd also recommend losing [The next day...] because if she has just gone to sleep then this makes it largely obvious that she is going to wake up the following morning, or at least at some point in the night, which you can tell them in the next paragraph. Using little shortcuts such as this can be seen as laziness, so I would advise against it personally. Once again it is YOUR story, but I think it might be in YOUR best interests.

Other than that this is beginning to look like a very good story. Your description is excellent and is better than a lot of work on this site, I'd say its definitely your strongest point in writing. Good luck in future and the rest of the story, I look forward to reading more of it.
-Bangle
TheOneAndOnlyBangBang chapter 1 . 5/19/2013
I have to say, that after reading this single introductory chapter, you have me hooked. This is a tremendously hard feat for any writer, especially when it comes to me seeing as I have an issue with getting into stories sometimes, but you have pulled me in and for that I congratulate you.

One thing I noticed immediately though is that you switched from past to present tense at one point. [The lights flickered in the gloom] was in the first paragraph, introducing the scene. Then you said [The bulb swung idly in a non-existent breeze] which is also in past tense. Then in the next two paragraphs you slipped into the present by saying [The light bulb flickers again for a few moments], which kind of pulls out of the story, and makes readers double take to make sure they're reading this right. I'd recommend you fix that as soon as you can. I can overlook it, but you could be turning people away from your story with one simple slip-up.

On a plus side you are very descriptive and almost poetic in your writing, and it is represented in a clear structure. You utilise short sentences like [The Age of Survival] in an effective and interest grabbing way. Its almost like when you're watching a movie, and the intro narrator makes this little speech and then pauses, you're on the edge of your seat, and then they say those two or three (in this case four) words you've been waiting for, and the action begins. I especially like this quality in stories that I read and you do well in portraying this through the perspective of what I like to call an omniscient narrator, meaning the narrator knows all.

However, this introduction is more of a tell than a show, which many readers prefer. You could have worked this history into the story, and this can turn off some readers who see it as laziness. Personally, I see it as another way of storytelling, but everyone has different tastes. if you could perhaps have the characters knowing some of the history, but not all (unless this isn't the kind of post-apocalyptia where most if not all knowledge of the past is lost) then they should maybe stubble across the history in a library or something. However, as I have yet to read the rest of the story at present, I suppose I don't really know what you have done or plan to do.

All in all, this is a very attention grabbing introduction with clear description and some minor issues that fortunately do little to detract from the overall effect. I shall be reading the rest of your story and doing my best to review each chapter, but we all have our constraints. Good luck in the future and I hope you have fun writing the story!

Thanks for taking the time to read this review!
-Bangle
Satsuriku no Akuma chapter 2 . 12/21/2012
This was a well-written chapter, the description of the setting was very good, and the objective perspective was refreshing since it is rarely used. However, I don'y think 'they' or 'their' is appropriate when describing the characters objectively because they are singular, but other than that, it was a very good chapter.