Reviews for Psychronicles
360pages chapter 7 . 7/26/2015
Well this is a lot of back story, not that I mind since you actually started explaining the world somewhat. Also once again, you jumping around somewhat hurts the flow, usually you only do it once or twice in a chapter. The amount of times we jump to Ian and Corey is twice when we could have just had a single giant scene with them.
360pages chapter 6 . 7/1/2015
I noticed that you jumped around quite a bit in the beginning of this chapter. Perspective shifts and cuts can be useful, but a lot of people told me that even in third person it is best to keep one solid perspective until that is fully completed.

Ergo, it's better to full finish a characters side then switch then flip flop during the two. Even if something happens at the same time from another point of view, it is easier just to start that point of view from the starting point and have hints.

Of course this isn't a big thing this chapter, just a small tip. I noticed that you put more general character action during conversation, this is good. What a character does when they are talking can give a lot of insight into their character.
360pages chapter 5 . 6/8/2015
It's fast paced chapter I'll give it that, but at times I wouldn't mind slowing down somewhat. Like how the introduction to meeting characters are handled. They are less given an introduction via the group meeting them, and more we are given a short description about them without much else. Like Darren, is quickly without much fanfare.
360pages chapter 3 . 12/27/2014
Yeah, I noticed the rush somewhat...actually I noticed it a lot. A lot of detail is gone somewhat in this chapter. Even the action scenes lean more towards telling rather than showing, and you have a lot of cuts. Which is fine for a fast paced series, but I feel like there is very little action even in the action scenes themselves.

With that said, one again a lot happened during the chapter, also the little thing like stating Team Freakshow eating breakfast seem funny to me, but I guess it really helps humanize them.
Daniel Kozaki chapter 5 . 12/26/2014
The umpteenth time I found a Dan in a story I'm reading.. -w-
Still, anyway, I won't be making a wall-o-text as I did last time, seeing this is not your most recent writing and all... maybe.
Intriguing start, reminiscent of a detective flick. Dan and Don. Definitely extra characters.
'Also Rina decided to turn the timer on her phone off seeing what they could find out here.' - nice touch.
'"If we bring something that's almost but not out of date, we can also say we don't want them to go to waste."' - hm. Interesting.
'The truth is you should be open to yourself.' - pff.
'Rina, Prisha and Ian are now eating dinner...' - I guess using 'The three' is better, less repetitive.
Still, decent detective work with the passage. What one would expect out of a Psyko. Still, now reading again, yes, your prose has improved in Beast Wars.

Editorial Notes:
1. 'Heading to Dan's house, the shop keeper they agreed to come to dinner to.' - [shopkeeper]
2. '"So what they could mean is up for discussion," Prisha took a glance at another puzzle piece in his own hand.' - [discussion." Prisha] Dialogue grammar: 'took a glance' does not refer to saying the line of dialogue, so it is a separate sentence.
3. 'It seems the driver had stopped to go the man and apologized.' - [to go to the man]. Still, your description could do some polishing, this sentence is kinda lacklustre lol. Nah, nm, long ago, I know.
4. '...all wearing the leaf symbolled necklace.' - [leaf-symbolled]
5. 'This unlike the healing was what surprised her along with Prisha and Corey.' - [This, unlike the healing, was]
6. 'He also didn't appear to be wearing the usual robes, being short sleeve, having a cape and more gold in it.' - [robes, his being short-sleeved, having]
7. 'Rina heard two people in their and recognized the voices to be Dominic and Darren.' - [in there]
8. Tense switches are plenty.
9. '...a long cloak that trails away ghostly on the lower body.' - uh... reword 'ghostly'. [in ghostly wisps from the lower body]?
10. 'Prisha typed, "If it's a trap door it can only b on the 1st floor."' - I think it looks much better if typed words are in italics, but that's just imo.
360pages chapter 2 . 12/25/2014
Actually this is something to note about character introductions. You should usually avoid flat out saying the characters name in their introduction. In a narrative, unless they are the main character (Even then you probably should describe something about them before their name,) you should probably introduce them like you would introduce them to the characters of the story.

This is more natural and when you do decide to switch to the POV you at least have a basic understanding of them, unlike if you switched to a new character without any context.

Also I noticed the Death-Note reference
360pages chapter 1 . 12/25/2014
You know, for a magical world it feels really close to ours. Not that that's bad thing, it lets the reader know and have a basic connection. You don't have to explain what car is to us since a car is a thing we see everyday.

With that said, outside the small action scene nearing the end of the chapter, the start actually feels somewhat different. It doesn't feel like a fantasy, but far closer to a murder mystery until we get a more proper introduction later in the chapter.

Once again this isn't a bad thing, just something I noticed. Your details are rather good, which for some reason felt like it was going for a darker tone than I first thought. I can at least picture the basic layout of areas and sections which is a good things.

I hop this is helpful
Darth Zannacross chapter 24 . 9/13/2014
Ah, sorry to hear your not in the best of health, hope you feel better soon. Hard to give a overall review since the story as not complete besides the usual touch ups but hope it works out.
Darth Zannacross chapter 23 . 9/13/2014
So, Basil appeared, and Basil got cooked in a manner of speaking. Well, at least he was reasonable. We will see where it goes from here. Looks like its not over yet.
Darth Zannacross chapter 22 . 9/13/2014
Well, looks like in the end Balgo got Terminator 2 treatment, guess he could not adapt quite so fast as he thought lol.

So, Project M, the bad guys want to make Metroids? Guess we will see. So, the plot thickens, we will see where it goes from here.
Darth Zannacross chapter 21 . 9/13/2014
Well, this sneaking mission failed horribly it seems, this Balgo does seem to be quite a threat, reminds me of a X men who had powers like this. The fighting was good in this chapter, and I am quite hyped to see where it goes from here. Sorry I got off track but keep up the good work.
Lohar chapter 1 . 7/6/2014
So here a review of chapter one.

The story is interesting, with a lot of mystery behind it all. Something which I personally enjoy very much. Not to mention the concept is something I love, considering it deals with this whole idea of secret societies and organizations. Not to mention the main characters and very quirky and funny, and show very strong character personalities and traits.

Although I do feel that these scenes lack proper pacing and details. For example the whole scene in the lab felt like it was five minuets, when I presume it was actually a lot longer than this, based off several character's comments. Also, the details feel slightly shoehorned in, if you don't mind me saying. For example when you were describing their outfits, it felt simply more like a list then anything. A bit like I was reading a spreadsheet with character details.

Some of the character reactions are very good, such as Ian suddenly rushing towards the lab after the explosion, however again I feel some of these lack detail and emotion. Obviously Ian is very angry, and this is portrayed quite well. However on the other characters, I can't really get a gauge on how they're feeling about the explosion, if they're even feeling anything. I don't quite know.

And my final thing to note is a general lack of detail in some places. I know they're in a city, but what type of city? Cities all over the world look completely different. Los Angeles is quite an open city, things aren't so mushed together and people generally have space to move. While New York is overcrowded, the roads, the streets are all full of people who are extremely busy with their own lives, and buildings are very close together, and also very tall all in an effort to find more room in a city where there is none. But I can't picture anything with this city. I don't know if it's warm or cold (I personally imagine it as Los Angeles, since that's my home. But I really should have a more defined view of what the world looks like.) or if it's crowded or empty or anything. I also don't know things such as what their hotel looks like. I could be imagining a giant hotel like the ones in Las Vegas, or I could be imagining a tiny little room in a tiny little village hotel. The same applies to the lab. Overall giving more detail to the world these characters are in will help greatly with getting immersed in the story.

Sorry for the whole rumble. But the story is good, but obviously needs some attention to detail in some places, and I think it would be good for you to work on your pacing skills. The best way I can suggest doing this is to try and actually imagine yourself in these situations purely off reading your own story.

I'll keep it in mind that this is obviously just the first chapter, and I'm sure it was written a long time ago and you've gotten better since then. But there you go, all of my impressions (Mainly from a technical side) on the story I've read so far. It was fun, and I'm going to read some more now.
Darth Zannacross chapter 20 . 7/6/2014
Well, theses guys are far more tolerable over team supreme so that's all ready a large plus, Rina's father looks like he has many possibilities to say the least. So this does have some relation to the previous group? I wonder if that means another bout with Dominic? Guess we will see.
Darth Zannacross chapter 19 . 7/6/2014
A head sage appears? Well, looks like the stakes are being raised, guess we will see just by how much. So, Vally of dying screams? could be Vally of dying, various other things so, could be worst.

Guess we will see what horrors unfold from here.
Darth Zannacross chapter 18 . 7/5/2014
Even if Team Supreme was suppose to be on the right side this time, I still wanted to see them get owned lol. Well, generic aliens are still generic but we will see if this chapter lives up to what you say.
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