|Reviews for Psychronicles|
| Rebeccie chapter 16 . 5/27/2013
["Or a palm tree egg!" Corey made his own suggestion.] This was the line that made me decide Corey was my favourite character. He’s so awesommmeeee! XD
[The Imperial March theme] Is that the one that goes DUN DUN DUN DUN-DUN-DUN DUN-DUN-DUN? Like all grand and stuff. If it is, then one of my family friends has it as a ringtone and it sounds epic.
| Rebeccie chapter 15 . 5/27/2013
I totally understand why Corey is such a difficult character for you to write. He seems to have a dark past, and he sounds slightly sarcastic at times, but I do get that you’re trying to convey that he is cute and enthusiastic. A confusing character for a reader too, but that’s what makes it fun. Keeps me guessing.
A lot of Corey’s fights are characterised with him winning in a ‘smart’ way. Like finding the eye of the storm in this one. I have a question though; is he supposed to be an intelligent character? Like, a strategic one? The way he acts make me think otherwise, but the way he fights makes me think he is.
One thing, is the final price (1079) because of the delivery fees? Just a small detail, but yah.
["What the hell is HAPPENING?"] What the HELL is happening? May sound a little better
["JAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAM!"] Ham? :D haha.
Nice action packed chapter. I don’ think your beginning chapters do your story much justice, because honestly, the later chapters are a LOT better and everything makes a lot more sense. It’s also easier to follow and truly shonen elements show here. So I dunno what you can do though, I guess you can’t do much and just keep making it better (:
This was my second favourite chapter in this arc, the first being the one where Corey fought the elite alien. That one was nice, short, and easy to follow.
| Rebeccie chapter 14 . 5/27/2013
[Oh it doesn't matter you're just so kawaii anyway desu] Japlish! Clara makes me lol, she reminds me of those Kowea-boos with their “Oppa sarang you”s XD I love how you make her Japlish a thing. It unique-ifies your characters. Unique-fy? That’s a word now.
[a soft captivating voice] ohhhh I like :D
[A crowd of people with love heart eyes appeared at the sides] I just wanted to ask, is One Piece one of your inspirations? It is very one-piece like, although I guess countless other animes also have these scenes.
[Rina grew red to the point where a poof of white smoke had escaped her] These little bits in your story makes me so focused on the idea that you should make this into an anime XD
["And I will complete my reverse harem collection!"] Rina is Epic. I do love how she’s the only girl in Team Freakshow, instead of being something cliché like two girls and two guys. Then there’s always your ecchi and harem themed shonens with panty shots and big boobs. Not cool.
| Rebeccie chapter 13 . 5/27/2013
I felt that you introduced way too many characters in this one chapter alone, and I found myself having trouble keeping up in the later chapters as to who each of these people are. Keep in mind that the character’s appearances may be clear in your mind, because you created them, but it’s ten times harder for a reader. Also, I suggest you re-iterate the physical features and appearances of your characters, especially your main ones. This isn’t an anime, so we don’t get a really clear image of what your characters look like until you repeat yourself many many times. A picture says a hundred words, so I guess you have to work a hundred times as hard for a manga-based series that’s not actually a manga :D
| Rebeccie chapter 12 . 5/27/2013
One thing, Ian reminds me a little of Sanji from one piece; protective and nice, but a ladies’ man and very perverted. I love characters like that
[An athletic serious looking brunette girl with her hair tied in a pony] pony tail. Also, put in a comma between athletic and serious, it makes it more clearer.
[over six feet tall] you use a feet and inches, which I find very peculiar for an Australian. Don’t we normally use centimetres? O.o Ah wells. I guess more readers on Fictionpress are Americans after all.
I don’t have much else to say for this chapter, it is a generally nice and coherent chapter.
| Rebeccie chapter 11 . 5/27/2013
It’s good you enjoyed writing, that feeling really does transfer to your readers
["Remember that time Rina made those chips that look normal but deep inside they're actually really burned for picnic?] this sentence is rather confusing, maybe change it a little and add in commas.
[Rina sweat dropped.] haha I can imagine this, anime style. Although you start bringing it up a bit too much throughout your later chapters. Maybe vary the way you say it a little? Like, a bead of sweat rolled down her temple, etc.
["And we'll yell it all out at the top of our lungs right?" Corey also played along.] Corey makes me lol
| Rebeccie chapter 10 . 5/27/2013
Corey using wits was something that was much more characteristic of Prisha, so if you could somehow swap their two fights around, then it would support your character personalities more. But I guess that is hard and messes up your story a bit, so :L
[Corey then pointed his finger at Dominic in a gesture like it was a gun, winking, "Checkmate!"] The wink feels unnatural somehow, maybe if he stuck out his tongue out or something it would be better.
This chapter was good, and I think you concluded this particular arc very nicely. Although, this one was a bit more focused on religion. Which is weird, because your third arc is on aliens, which is pretty much in an opposite genre. You should keep it to one genre, even though a mix of both is quite interesting.
| Rebeccie chapter 9 . 5/27/2013
The scene where Prisha emerges victorious is rather cliché, but I guess it is a shonen so that it is acceptable. It does go to show how much that care about one another.
[Corey smiled. "Well it's time for me to have some of the fun."] sometimes I find it hard to decide whether he’s a sarcastic and sadistic character, or a cute and enthusiastic one. You should keep it consistent. But I guess the fact that he’s unique and hard to guess is what makes him my favourite character.
I actually enjoyed the length of this chapter. It is one of your shortest, but it’s comfortable. I suggest you keep more chapters at this length later on
At the ending, the way Dominic said ‘I am immortal’ is a definite cliffhanger. Maybe you could also increase the dramatic-ness by do it on a new line. Something like:
“Not only don’t I age but I’ll instantly recover from any attack! Why, you ask?” Dominic boasted. “Because I am….”
Not sure how to do the punctuation in this case though, so it really depends on what you want. Also, I think this chapter is an excellent lead to the next, where you bring in something unexpected.
| riverstardust chapter 5 . 5/26/2013
OwO Its getting super exciting! Meeting the members of the camp was cool, i wonder how come everyones so young in this story though(its making me feel old hehe)
Just a little correction needed here:
"Afterward, he also noticed Rina, Prisha and Prisha and decided to talk to them, "I see that wild mouthed kid isn't with you today."
You have two Prishas there omo I think it was supposed to be Ian,
| riverstardust chapter 4 . 5/26/2013
The teachings of Diviin sure sounds similar to my religion D How... do you do that sum?(this is why i cannot become an engineer) xD
Dumb robbers! Lol that scene reminded me of when I read about a dude who robbed a store while still wearing his work uniform with his name tag on! Aevincere is a nice name 3
I SPOTTED THE FINAL FANTASY REF! I dont watch Yu Yu though (
| Y. S. Wong chapter 4 . 5/23/2013
Oho. One must learn math to practice the occult, eh? But man, that Corey sure is one random kid.
That balcony conversation between Prisha and Corey was deep. I love it when characters have these sort of conversations because they shed so much light on their characters. Well done.
Fishcake robbers? Lol.
The writing this chapter was definitely a lot better than in the previous chapters. Still some issues with tenses, but not nearly as bad. Kudos!
| Y. S. Wong chapter 3 . 5/22/2013
Heh. So it was Morris. Interesting.
The problem with your first chapter was you introduced so many new characters at once that I couldn't really tell who was who. But I'm starting to get a better sense of the different personalities of each of the kids this chapter and that's definitely helping me to connect more with the story.
Yeah, the ending of this arc did come a bit sooner than expected, but you still managed to wrap everything up, so it's all good.
| Rebeccie chapter 8 . 5/21/2013
[He blushed a little] This is good. It gives Darren character, and makes us almost sorry for him when he is killed off. I do think that in a story, it is also important for us to connect with the villians and what they are thinking, so good job on that.
[decide toplay completely defensive] you forgot the space.
The size of your paragraphs and stuff were nice and short and organized, so I didn’t actually feel this chapter was particularly long.
[monocular] it should be plural.
About Kageta’s logic that everyone is bad on the inside, it’s really good that you brought in little psychological and intelligent bits. It really differentiates it from the pure-action things we see a lot these days, the ‘brawn and no brains’. You should put more in, although you do have quite a fair amount throughout your story.
| Y. S. Wong chapter 2 . 5/21/2013
I can see why you say this is a very shounen series indeed.
"Just according to keikaku" indeed. That got a lol out of me.
To be honest, though, the tense switches are very distracting and make it difficult to follow what's going on.
So far, the Death Note influence is definitely pervasive through your work, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I do like the effort you've put into creating these elaborate plans.
| Rebeccie chapter 7 . 5/21/2013
["Is it supposed to be some kind of ritual to turn us into rats?"] rat turning ritual :D I imagine Corey putting on a cute evil face like :) and reciting a mantra XD
["No boys allowed!"] sounds like my old diary I made with a friend when we were 6. It was like: no boys allowed! They have boy germs :D Although this is in an entirely different context XD
[Rina and Prisha of Team Freakshow! We were sent to investigate this not so discreet group of yours! ] I imagine there to be the anime theme song playing at this moment :)
[Garmonite? The legendary mineral made of Tusklion bones that is said to be harder than diamond?" Mera gasped.] I googled those two LOL. It's awesome how you can think of names that actually sound LEGIT. Btw, Mera means flame or something right? I remember seeing that in One piece.