Reviews for Psychronicles
Deneru Yamada chapter 1 . 4/12/2013
intriguing...gonna read more of this ;)
proudnarutofan1 chapter 1 . 4/10/2013
Good story so far. It has very good word choice, and the length is really good. Your jumping right into the it, and not leaving much time. Ik this is only the first chapter and its the only one ive read, but try to use some more descriptions even if the characters are only in for one chapter. It helps the reader, and makes for a better story.
Max Sorrell chapter 15 . 3/24/2013
I'm noticing something sort of common with your writing, especially during like fight scenes and stuff. You've fallen into something I'm sort of guilty of doing myself. This is sort of minor, but I think if you take care to follow my advice it could improve your writing by ten fold! The thing I'm noticing is that you have a good way of basically describing the scene, but your writing sometimes lacks a bit of depth and emotion that I think all action stories on FictionPress should have.
Like for example take the fight Corey and Jam. I'm really curious toward what Corey was thinking about at the time when he agreed to go up and fight him. Wasn't he afraid? And when Corey gets hit, he screams in pain, but like I said, I'd really like to see more emotion. Keep in mind, even though this novel would be great for a manga, while on FictionPress it's only just a chapter book. If you want to make this story up to its best potential, then use the fact that it's a book to your advantage, by showing your readers, pain, emotion, thoughts, feelings, and struggles that can't be seen in manga alone. Let the readers know how it felt for Corey to be hit by the wind. This is hard to do and still be subtle and avoid boring the readers with an overly long description, but with practice I believe you'll get really good. It also wouldn't hurt to read some of the top Favorited manga stories on FictionPress just so you have an idea what you're up against. You could also see what other writers do for description and who knows, maybe you might just find a way of describing action that works for you.
Max Sorrell chapter 14 . 3/24/2013
Nice job. I'm almost up to date on your story! :D
Max Sorrell chapter 13 . 3/24/2013
I really like the alien idea. I'm having a bit of trouble picturing what the aliens look like though :(
Max Sorrell chapter 12 . 3/24/2013
Nice chapter. I didn't say this last time, but I should probably tell you, that I am a little put off by the mention of pornography in this chapter and the one before, but I was glad that you didn't dwell on it longer than you should have and I understand that it was all done in comedic effect.
Max Sorrell chapter 11 . 3/24/2013
I really liked this chapter. It had a lot of humor and suspense, two of my favorite things XD
Max Sorrell chapter 10 . 3/24/2013
I was honestly a little sad to see Jimmy go, but I guess I'm always that way with Fiction. XD
I'm hoping he returns later on. :)
Max Sorrell chapter 9 . 3/24/2013
This fight with Dominic is going to be really great, I know it! (I'm not just saying that because I read ahead, before reviewing either lol) I knew it would be epic from the start and it was! :D
Max Sorrell chapter 8 . 3/24/2013
I'm loving the whole moral conflict and sort of internal debate about whether humans can really be truly selfless. It really helps make this arc a lot more interesting (Even though it's already really good on its own)
Max Sorrell chapter 7 . 3/24/2013
This is just sort of nitpicking, but I noticed you use the word "somehow" quite a bit in your description like, "Ian and Corey somehow got out of the in the bathroom with as little fatalities as possible only to come across more disciples"
One of the first things that a beta taught me was you should avoid using that word in description, instead either leave the word "somehow" out or explain how that event happened. I know it's not always easy to think of how to describe certain events, but as a writer it'll make your writing look a little more formal.
Max Sorrell chapter 6 . 3/24/2013
I really liked this chapter. Things are getting really exciting and I'm just speaking my mind, but their religion is really messed up. It kind of creeps me out a little D:
Max Sorrell chapter 5 . 3/24/2013
I know I haven't reviewed in a while. I was still reading, but I wanted to finish your story, before reviewing and then review all at once. Prisha and the others seem so smart. A lot of the plans that the group came up with ended up working out, which I'm really happy about, but I'd like to see sometime in the future where everything just completely backfires for the group and they're pushed to wits end. I think that would be really neat.
Benehime chapter 2 . 3/18/2013
Ugh so I typed a review and accidentally quit out of it so this will probably be less detailed than I'd hope for.

I'm going to be frank here, but keep in mind not to take this personally. I honestly found this chapter to be rather boring. Half way in and I ended up skimming through the rest of it in a minute. The intro was good to grab my attention, though I thought there was unneeded detail in there that made it bulky. However, after that I feel the tension you built up just crashed right into the ground. It's a shame too, cause often I'll see a great set up in the beginning like you have but the story is taken nowhere afterward.

First off, there is way too much dialogue. That is the main reason I lost interest in the story as I read; too much going on and not enough excitement. Second, way too many characters to keep track of. I'm not sure which ones are more important and who the main character is, if it's only one. I do like the idea you have going on; detectives investigating a crime. I love crime shows and I see you have a lot of elements from common themes used. However, I don't see what the comical relief adds. To me, it was actually annoying. Humor, like anything else, needs to be used in the proper situation. Not saying all the attempts at humor were unsuccessful.

Grammar was decent, didn't catch any spelling mistakes. Punctuation could use some work. Oh, and I got a lot of past and present tense switching in the beginning parts. So much, that I was unsure what tense the story was being told in until I got further down. As for description you seem to have the same problem many others have when starting off a story, myself included. THere's no need to give description of your character or setting if it doesn't add to the story. Example: [A soft voice called from the door to his left. It was his assistant Doctor Helena Morris, a woman in her mid twenties with knotted red hair.] Giving the full name like that is unnatural narration, and how many of your readers do you think care about her knotted red hair? Not many.

I apologize if some of the advice I gave you was vague but like I said I ended up losing the original review haha. The story has potential and I really like the idea. It just wasn't executed as well as it could be have been. One tip I would strongly urge you follow is to write down an outline of events in your chapters. If the outline is too small (here for example) then you have a problem. Keep it up, I'm sure your other chapters improve as you get used to writing. Good work!

I thought I deleted the other but it looks like it posted accidentally haha. I'll just do Chapter 2 and you can delete the other one.
Benehime chapter 1 . 3/18/2013
I'm going to be frank here so don't take anything personally as this is all opinion. To be perfectly honest, this was a fairly boring chapter; I ended up reading half way and the skimming the rest of it. I liked the very first part; that did a decent job at capturing my attention. It went downhill from there. Way too many bland character introductions off the bat. I'm sure you've heard this a lot already, but there's way too much "telling" and not enough "showing. Also you switched between present and past tense so often in the beginning parts that I wasn't sure which tense your story is (now guessing past).

The attempt at humor was unsuccessful in my opinion. Just think about where you were trying to be funny in the story. It actually came off as annoying to me, both how the guy was listing all the help he brought and how the occult kids behaved. Now, this is were I started losing interest. Want to know why? Wayyyy too much dialogue between wayyy too many characters for your first chapter. It became hard to keep u
118 | « Prev Page 1 .. 4 5 6 7 8 Next »