|Reviews for Time Could Kill You|
| Kommissar chapter 1 . 5/29/2013
The opening could be stronger. Starting the story with the main character being bored is not very exciting.
["Natalie," Mr. Louis said. "Will you sit with her during lunch today?"]
Eh, there's a difference between trying to boost someone's self-esteem and then forcing them in situations. It would've been better if Mister Louis made it an offer or something, included Hana more rather than it being phrased as a command.
["Hanalei, we need to have some sort of conversation," she said pronouncing my name with the 'H.'
"The 'H' is silent," I told her then correctly pronounced my name]
Natalie would know this since the teacher said Hanalei's name aloud, unless Natalie wasn't paying attention. Though this option doesn't occur to Hanalei.
Overall, it does need some work. You start a paragraph when you start a new topic. It's not to make them as small as possible. While the interactions with the characters are nice-a breath of fresh air from their relations turning hostile from the start-they fall a little flat. I think it has to do with the lack of description.
| InfiniteMaze chapter 16 . 5/9/2013
Very good so far. All the characters are very likable, and I enjoy reading each chapter. And I'm not sure who the red haired girl is... Can't wait I find out who!
If anything, the chapter could be a little longer, only if you can though
| Valkyrie25 chapter 15 . 4/18/2013
Wonder if Hayley is the red-haired girl. Hey, this book isn't terrible, you just need to work on your descriptions a little more. There's a fiction on here called 'Owls and Fireflies' that has some good descriptive paragraphs in there, as well as 'Waiting for the Sun' and plenty of others too. You can always take some inspiration from mine if needed (The description in there isn't amazing, but there's some depth in there that might be useful). Remember, you can always go back and change the chapters you've already done, and sometimes it helps to continue character descriptions throughout to help remind your readers about their appearances. Just take your time to really put yourself in there positions and write about that; it'll help :)
| Sally Wolf chapter 1 . 4/8/2013
Why do you hate Natalie? Sounds like you two could be great friends. Other than that it is well written.
| Valkyrie25 chapter 14 . 2/12/2013
Another chapter, lovely :) Perhaps you could describe the characters in more depth here; are they crouching in wait? Squishing themselves against the wall? Just standing on edge etc etc? Love the way that you've still made it difficult to know who the red-haired girl is though; a nice mysterious touch. Also a very lovely cliffhanger :D
| Valkyrie25 chapter 13 . 2/12/2013
Hi, sorry for not reviewing for ages! Just done exams so back to reading. I'm guessing that the girl is Crystal, though still not sure. If you could use this sort of description in your other chapters so I know exactly what your characters are up to when they're speaking, and how they're feeling, that'd be really good :)
| NinaT2000 chapter 14 . 1/24/2013
its really good. keep updating (sorry its kind of normal)
| Valkyrie25 chapter 12 . 1/10/2013
Nice to see an update. Love the way you've got another problem on the go too! Great to see what Jackson's been up to as well. Sorry I haven't reviewed before, just got some of my exams out the way. Just one little thing, 'What all did' is 'else' rather than 'all' I think. Also, you may want to add a few more commas in here and there because some of your sentences are a bit long. Great plot and can't wait for more.
| Scarlet Air chapter 2 . 12/30/2012
Ok right after the second sentence you could have described the main character and you could have said some of what she put in her diary. Seems intriguing though so I am going to read another chapter.
| Scarlet Air chapter 1 . 12/30/2012
From a first chapter point of view it seems really good. Maybe just a tad more detail or something to make it longer. This might and probably is just me, but I like to really get to know the main character within the first or second chapter, or at least the basics. You know, hair color, length, style, age, if they are short or tall, skinny, fat, middle? Stuff like that.
| blue eyed bitch chapter 3 . 12/30/2012
I noticed some incorrect grammar and run-on sentences, just saying
| Valkyrie25 chapter 11 . 12/26/2012
Lovely chapter with little hints of humor there with the 'Talia's angry'. Just a little correction, 'an DI' is probably 'and I'. Thank you very much.
| annabeth the wise girl chapter 11 . 12/23/2012
I love this story! I can't wait for the next chapter!
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 2 . 12/22/2012
I found a few errors in this chapter, like "with just my lick" I'm sure you meant luck. I like this story so far, but it's rather undescrptive. That isn't a bad thing, but it seems kind of choppy at parts. You don't need that much description, but a little more would help this story flow better. (:
| Valkyrie25 chapter 9 . 12/22/2012
Well this is getting very very VERY interesting :) Keep writing, I want to see more :D